I turned to Jesse, whose face was pale, his forest-green eyes glassy. He wasn’t saying anything.
I grabbed his hand. “She was getting better. Emma was responding to the treatment. She was going tolive.” My voice broke on that word. “She was going to live,” I repeated, hands shaking. I held on to Jesse like I would never let go. His grip was just as tight in mine. “We were going to go to college and visit each other.”
“Baby,” Jesse whispered and pulled me to his chest.
I broke then. In Jesse’s safe hold, I shattered, my chest raw with how much I was crying. The chair dipped beside me, and when I looked up, Chris was there, staring at the wall. I threw my arms around him—and he broke then too.
With the sound of Emma’s mama and daddy crying over her still body, the three of us crumbled from the loss of our friend. Susan and Bailey didn’t leave our sides, silent supports.
Sometime later, Chris’s parents turned up, and they all ended up on the floor, Chris in their arms. Time stilled in our bubble of shock and grief. I didn’t know how many hours passed, but Jesse held me through them all. Strong and solid and letting me fall apart.
“June, Jesse, Chris?” Susan moved before us.
I blinked up at her. My eyes felt swollen, my throat sore, and my body exhausted.
“Emma’s parents have left for a while, to take counsel with Pastor Noel.”
Emma’s door was closed, a candle lit outside to signify there’d been a loss inside. I hadn’t even noticed her parents leave.
“They wanted me to let you know that if y’all wanted to, you can go on in and say your goodbyes.”
Neenee appeared beside us. “I’m so sorry,” she said, and I could see that she too had been crying. Emma was so loved.
“What happened?” Jesse asked.
“She had sepsis,” Neenee said. “With her immunity compromised from treatment, when she got this infection, she couldn’t fight it. Her passing was quick.”
I couldn’t make myself believe it.
“You should go and say your goodbyes,” Chris’s mama said. “You’ll be glad you did.”
Neenee held out her hand for me, helping me to stand. As I did, she crushed me to her chest. I hadn’t even noticed feeling sick or tired, as shock, adrenaline, and sorrow had kept the effects of our treatment at bay. Fresh tears trailed down my cheeks as Neenee held me. When I pulled back, Jesse took hold of my hand. He was shaking. I cast him a watery smile. Chris walked behind us as we approached Emma’s door.
Jesse opened it, and we stepped inside. The room was still and quiet. And I didn’t know how to explain it, but it already felt like her soul was no longer there. There was no vibrancy, no life to the air, not even the distant echo of her sweet laugh.
Chris shut the door behind us, and I finally let myself turn to the bed. Emma looked so beautiful, like she was just asleep. Her head was free of her headscarf and her face was clean. The tube in her throat and the wires in her arms were gone. She was dressed in clean cream-colored pajamas.
She looked at peace.
My sobs came thick and fast as I sat on the edge of the bed and took hold of her hand. It still felt warm, but there was no holding my hand back, no squeeze and no smile stretching on her lips. I lowered my head and kissed the back of her hand.
“You were meant to live,” I said. “You were winning, Em. You were racing toward remission.” Chris sat on Emma’s other side, holding her other hand, and Jesse sat behind me. He put his hand on her leg, and all of us were holding her—just like we’d been doing for each other since we’d arrived.
We sat that way for a while in silence. Then Chris spoke.
“You are my best friend, Em,” he said, his voice breaking. “Who’s gonna bust my balls now? Who’s gonna meet my sarcasm in only the way that you can?” He choked on his words, then kissed her hand. “We’re gonna be Aggies together.” He gestured at me and Jesse with his head. “Rivals to these two at UT.”
I laughed, but it turned to sobs.
“Not sure how I’ll get through the rest of this without you,” Chris said. His head bowed and his shoulders began to shake.
Jesse said, “I’m gonna miss you, Em. It shouldn’t have gone this way. It wasn’t meant to have gone this way.” I turned to him and the tears tracking down his cheeks. I leaned against him and melted into his chest.
Holding tightly to Emma’s hand, I began to speak. “I’m going to miss you, Emma. So much that I can barely cope.” I took a deep breath, then simply whispered, “You were meant to live.”
We sat with her for two hours, until Neenee opened the door and told us it was time to leave. I held on to her until the final minute. I didn’t want to let go because then this would be real. I wanted it to be just a nightmare.
When Neenee came in, I stood to kiss Emma’s forehead. “Thank you for showing me what a best friend is, Emma,” I whispered into her ear. “You were a blessing to me.”
