Bailey found me and ensured I drank the orange sludge. I didn’t even taste it as it went down.
When Chris, June, and Emma returned, I laid down and closed my eyes, feigning sleep. They had to have known it was bullshit, but they didn’t say anything.
An hour later, we loaded onto the bus. June didn’t say a word as she sat beside me and held my hand. I leaned my head against the window and closed my eyes. If June saw a tear escape and fall down my cheek, she didn’t say anything.
“We going to the rec room?” Chris asked when we got off the bus.
I shook my head and walked to my room.
“I’ll go with him,” I heard June say. Her footsteps sounded like thunder behind me. I just needed to be alone. I needed to speak to my mom and my high school coach. I needed to know what was happening.
“Jesse,” June called as I walked into my room. She slipped inside, but when I turned to her and saw her worried face, I couldn’t cope.
“I need to be alone,” I said.
June reared her head back—I’d stunned her. I never wanted time apart from her, and I didn’t now. I just didn’t want her affected by the emptiness that was trying to pull me down.
“Jesse, please,” she begged. “What did that guy say to you?”
“June,” I whispered, “please leave me alone.”
“I don’t want to,” she said boldly. “I don’t think you should be.”
“I need to be!” I said, my voice slightly raised.
This time, her mouth dropped open in shock. I felt like the world’s biggest dick. June was perfect, and I’d just shouted at her. But I couldn’t help it. I was drowning, and I didn’t want to pull her down with me.
“Just go… I’m begging you,” I said, and June’s eyes filled with tears. She waited for me to change my mind, but when I just stared at her, she nodded and slipped out of my room.
The sudden silence was deafening. Pulling my cell from my pocket, I called my coach. “Jesse?” my high school coach answered. “How are you doing, son?”
“Has UT recruited someone else in my place?” Loud silence was Coach’s only response. I sank to my bed. “Why didn’t you tell me?” I whispered.
“Because we didn’t want it to break you, son. We didn’t want you to lose your will to fight.” I looked out the window at dusk settling in. Everything felt dark now. “Your spot on the team is still there, as is your scholarship, but the UT coach needed to make sure he had the depth he needed in his quarterbacks. You’re not out for the count, Jesse, but he had to make sure his team is as strong as possible for next season.”
“It was always impossible, wasn’t it?” I said. “A pipe dream. I was never gonna be able to recover in time for next season. I was foolish.” I released a self-deprecating laugh. “And y’all knew it and let me pretend.”
“We all need something to get us through, Jesse. You were determined.” Coach cleared his throat. “You’re the most talented player I’ve ever had the privilege of coaching. And maybe it is too late for you to get healthy for next season. But you’re onlyseventeen. There’s the season after. And I know Coach Higgins. He believes in you as much as I do—as much as wealldo.”
Tears tracked down my cheeks.
“Son, you’re a football player. And a damn good one at that. You know it’s not over until it’s over. And the Jesse I know would keep fighting. You hear me?”
“I only have a ten percent chance of survival,” I said, my heart feeling really heavy. It was hard to always be positive. “The treatment isn’t working—might never work and then I’m all out of options.”
“You can do this, Jesse,” Coach said, and I knew that my mom must have told him already.
But I nodded, needing to hear it. My chest ached. It was times like this when I really wished I had a dad, that my dad had loved me enough to stick around and help me through rough waters. My old friend rejection infiltrated my veins. “Thanks, Coach,” I found myself saying. “I’m gonna go now.”
“You’re gonna be okay, Jesse,” he said. “I believe it.”
“Thanks,” I said. “Bye.” I hung up and laid down on my bed. I pulled the comforter over me and switched off my lamp. I couldn’t move and just wanted the world to disappear for a while.
No, that wasn’t true. I wanted Junebug. Guilt clawed at my conscience. I’d chased her away. The first person except my mom and sisters to ever love me unconditionally, who had fought for me, chased after me to make sure I was okay—and I’d sent her away.
Getting to my feet, I pulled my comforter with me and went onto the porch. Ginger was staring at me like he wanted to jump the fence and sit with me some. But there was only one person my soul was crying out for. So I sat down at her porch door to wait until she came back.
I’d beg for her forgiveness, but at this point, I felt like June and her love for me was the only thing that was tethering me to this world.
