Mama smiled, but that smile quickly turned to sorrow as tears began spilling from her eyes. Mama and Daddy flanked me on the swing’s bench seat. They each took hold of my hands, and for a moment, they felt like mine again.
“Darlin’,” Daddy said. I turned to him. “How are you feeling?”
“I don’t know,” I said, then shook my head. “No, I’m numb.” I gave a self-deprecating laugh. “I think I’m in shock.” My mama wiped her eyes. I turned away to lay my head on her shoulder, looking out onto the fields behind our house, and the wood that sat to the side. I adored this view. “I just never thought we’d get here.”
“Neither did we,” Daddy said, and my mama wrapped her arms around me. “Neither did we.” Nothing else was said. What was there to say? So we sat out on the porch until the sun set and stayed awhile longer, as the moon became visible in the sky, reminding us that another of my now-limited days was done.
I had no idea what would happen from here on out, so for now, I’d drink in the world, while I sat beside my two favorite people, and just breathe.
Two days later, we were back in Dr. Long’s office. We had no idea why we were here, and despite how much I had warned my heart not to get too excited, I couldn’t help but feel a flicker of hope.
My daddy and mama were sitting close to me. In the past two days, they had barely let me go. The last forty-eight hours had brought with it myriad emotions. But the detachment stayed. I found myself catching my reflection and not recognizing the girl before me—though that had happened many times over the course of my treatment. Month by month, I felt I had turned into someone else, looked like someone completely different. Only one thing had remained the same.
My love of writing.
A flash of pain cut through me again. Despite the pain I knew was coming, the weakness, the slowly dying day by day, the one thought that felled me most was that I wouldn’t become a writer like I’d planned. My dreams, my plans…all of them would turn to vapor.
My heart almost stuttered to a halt when I realized I would never fall in love. I was seventeen and had never been in love. I hadn’t ever been kissed. No boy had held my hand. I’d never gotten my happily ever after.
And now I never would.
The door clicked open behind us. Dr. Long gave us a smile as he made his way to his desk chair. “Hello, thank y’all for coming in.”
“Is everything okay?” my daddy asked.
My heart seemed to jump into my throat as I waited for Dr. Long to speak.
Mama and Daddy each took hold of my hands, squeezing them tightly. Dr. Long held some papers in his hands, and I realized his expression was different than it had been two days ago. It held what appeared to be a hint of…hope?
My heart beat faster still.
“I’m so sorry to call you back in so quickly, but I’ve literally just gotten some news that I’m eager to share with you and it’s extremely time sensitive.”
“Yes?” my daddy asked.
“There’s a clinical trial that’s being carried out just outside of Austin,” Dr. Long said, getting straight to it. “Several weeks ago, when I suspected the treatments for June weren’t working as they should, I put her name down as a possible candidate should her results come back as I feared.”
A clinical trial? I hadn’t even entertained the idea of being nominated for one.
Dr. Long turned his computer screen toward us and brought up an email. He pointed to the screen, but I kept my eyes firmly on his. “There’s a drug company that is developing a new treatment for teenage patients with acute myeloid leukemia.” I stilled. The disease I had been fighting for over a year now. “There are eight places available at a private hospital on a ranch just under an hour from Marble Falls, which is near Austin.” He pushed a brochure nearer us, across his desk. “Initially, June was rejected, as she still showed some signs of improvement. But when I spoke to them a few days ago about how your treatment had stopped working, they said there might be a spot opening back up.”
Dr. Long paused, a flicker of sadness in his demeanor. Then it hit me—the spot had become free because someone else hadn’t made it. A teen with AML, like me, had lost their life.
A strangled sob came from my mama, but I was too gripped by what Dr. Long was saying. “June,” he addressed me directly.“This trial…” He shook his head. “I’m not gonna lie, it’ll be tough, but this is our last chance.” He then addressed my parents. “It’s residential, of course. There are family quarters. I don’t know how it’ll work with your jobs, but this is a real chance of remission for June.” Dr. Long tapped the brochure. “Take a few hours to look through this, but we must give them a decision by the end of the day. It’ll be a total life upheaval…but it’s achance. Our final chance.”
I glanced to my parents beside me. They were completely wrecked. The past couple of days had been too much for them to cope with. “I want to do it,” I said, voice strong.
My mama nodded. She glanced at my daddy.
“We’ll make it work no matter what,” Daddy said. A flicker of a smile touched his lips. He turned to me and kissed my forehead. “Baby girl, we are going to give you this chance and we are going to make sure it works.” His voice broke. “I can’t lose you.” He shook his head, tears falling to the linoleum floor. “I won’t.”
Only then did tears spill from my eyes. For the first time since being told I was stage four, I broke down. I nodded at my daddy, unable to speak.
When I looked down at my hands again, I exhaled a shaky breath. They felt like mine again. I glanced out of the window—I felt like I wasmeagain.
“We’ll do it,” Daddy said to Dr. Long, taking me from my thoughts. “When do we leave?”
The sound of Dr. Long and my parents making plans turned to white noise as I stared out the window at the bright Texas sun. I could almost feel its healing rays kissing my face.
