She let out a sigh, her fingers absently tracing patterns on his chest. “No, nothing like that. I just had hoped you’d be able to be there for my eighteenth. For me, eighteen meant something specific.” She swallowed, shifting beneath the covers as vulnerability washed over her. “It meant you wouldn’t have a reason to push me away anymore.”
“Joy…”
“I know, I know,” she said quickly, waving a hand as if brushing it off would make the feeling less suffocating. The cabin suddenly felt too warm, too intimate for this confession. “It sounds stupid now.”
“No.” His fingers found hers beneath the blankets, warm and steady, anchoring her. “Not stupid.”
The sincerity in his voice gave her the courage to continue.
“I’d convinced myself you’d show up,” she admitted, her voice quieter now. “That you’d walk through the door, pull me aside, and tell me it was finally time. That you wanted me.” She swallowed hard, biting her lip. “I even bought… God, this is embarrassing.”
He shifted beside her, his full attention on her face. “What?”
She squeezed her eyes shut, shaking her head, her dark hair spilling across the pillow. “Forget it.”
“Not a chance.” His grip on her fingers tightened, firm but gentle. “Tell me.”
Her throat worked as she swallowed down the last of her pride. “I bought matching lingerie,” she whispered, barely able to force the words past the mortification clawing at her throat. “A set, just for that night. Something pretty, because…” She took a deep breath. “I wanted to be pretty for you.”
Bear sucked in a sharp breath, his body going completely still beside her.
Her face burned, but now that she’d started, she couldn’t seem to stop the words from spilling out. They tumbled forth like a confession she hadn’t even realized she’d been holding on to all these years.
“I spent weeks saving up for it. Went all the way to Reddington City to pick it out because I didn’t want to have anything like that mailed to my house. I wanted it to be perfect. I wanted…” She trailed off, her pulse pounding in her ears, unable to finish the thought.
Bear was quiet for a long time. Too long. She could hear the faint ticking of his watch on the nightstand, counting out the seconds of silence. Then he exhaled, long and slow, his breath warm against her skin.
“Bug, if I’d known…”
She let out a small, self-deprecating laugh, shaking her head against the pillow. “It wouldn’t have mattered.”
He turned onto his side, propping himself up on his elbow. His gaze was heavy as it traveled over her face, taking in every freckle, every line of tension around her eyes.
“I wanted to be there.”
She swallowed hard, the words settling in her chest like stones.
“I did,” he said again, his voice rough with an emotion she couldn’t quite name. “But I couldn’t get leave. I’d just been home for the Polar Plunge, and I couldn’t swing another trip so soon.”
She nodded, looking away, focusing on the dancing flames in the fireplace. “I figured as much.”
He curled his fingers beneath her chin, turning her face back to his with gentle insistence. “And even if I had, I wouldn’t have done what you were hoping for that night.”
Pain lanced through her, sharp and unexpected, but he shook his head before she could pull away. They’d just had sex, so it wasn’t like she didn’t know he wanted her. She wasn’t sure why the words stung so much.
“Not because I wasn’t interested.” He brushed his thumb over her jaw, his touch featherlight. “Because I was. More than I had any right to be.”
Her breath hitched, caught somewhere between her lungs and her lips.
“You were eighteen,” he murmured, his voice hoarse with remembered restraint. “And I was twenty-six. I needed to be sure, needed to know it wasn’t just me wanting you so damn bad I couldn’t think straight.” His thumb traced the corner of her mouth, sending tiny shivers across her skin. “Needed to know you weren’t just caught up in the idea of us, of me.”
She blinked up at him, her chest tight with a strange mixture of hurt and understanding.
He let out a rough breath. “And maybe that was just an excuse to give myself time, to keep from taking you the second I got the green light.” He huffed a humorless laugh, his eyes never leaving hers. “But I wanted you. Don’t doubt it.”
“Really?” Her voice was smaller than she intended.
He made an almost comical face, his eyebrows shooting toward his hairline. “Woman, trust me, seeing you in lingerie would’ve blown my fucking mind, no doubt. The whole event would’ve been embarrassingly short. It would’ve ruined my chances with you from the beginning since I would’ve lasted all of six seconds. So it’s probably best I wasn’t able to make it.”
