Unable to look at him, I nodded my answer.
“Dani, do you not see that the activity isnotenjoyable for Master Malunlessyou enjoy it too? That the activity means nothingto himif it means nothing to you?”
Tears rolled down my cheeks. “I didn’t want him to think I was too much of a burden.”
Hands were suddenly there on my face, wiping my tears away with gentle thumbs. I opened my eyes, staring into his dark green. “Little Owl,” his voice was as tender as his touch, “do you know what it would have done to me if I’d taken it too far? If I’dhurtyou? You were partaking in an activity that you don’t enjoy for my sake, meaning you had no stopping point. You keep saying you could ‘take it’, but when was too much? What happened when you couldn’t ‘take it’ anymore? You are far too precious to evenentertainthe thought.”
My voice was moist and choppy as I admitted, “I wanted to show you I was still strong, even without bondage.”
“And you think I thought you weak?” He rocked my head between his hands lightly. “You silly, silly girl. Bondage doesn’t make youstrong. Being able to ‘take’ pain doesn’t make you strong. Do you recall what your first daily affirmation was that you sent to me?”
I shook my head.
“‘I am beautiful, I am strong, and I am submissive’,” he repeated, staring into my eyes. “I guess we need to work on you believing your own words.”
“You still…” I swallowed hard. I shouldn’t be asking this question. Without meaning to, I had provided myself the perfectescape, a way to break things off between us that wasn’t just me vanishing off into the ether.
But I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t stand up off of this beanbag chair and walk out the door. I couldn’t leave this man. My heart would break if I did.
I cleared my throat. “You still want to continue seeing me?”
“I do,” he said with confidence. “But there’s some things we’re going to need to work on. Starting with a written contract.”
“But you said two weeks. That we’d?—”
“That was before I knew there might be some things you’d stretched the truth on,” he said with obvious frustration. I appreciated that he didn’t use the word ‘lie’ again. “Little Owl, a contract is important, beyond the legality of it. It is a very clear and precise do-and-don’t list that helps guide us and our roles, responsibilities, and standards for each other. And it will help us to rebuild our trust.”
I winced. “Mal, I’m so sorry. I didn’t realize the impact this would have on you.” I bit my tongue against the words ‘no pun intended’. “But a contract seems too…much. You’d be giving up bondageandimpact play for me. That’s… What if you change your mind? What if you get bored?”
What if you have to arrest me?Obviously, I did not say that last question out loud.
“Little Owl, if you think for a moment that I have beenboredwithout bondage, then clearly I have not been doing my job correctly.”
“I don’t mean…” I shook my head, trying to clear my thoughts. “The scrunchies are fun and all, but I know it’s not,” I didn’t know what else to say, so I went with, “the same.”
“You’re right. It’s not. It’s very, very different.” He leaned his head closer to mine. “But who said different was bad?”
I bit my lip, not having an answer for that.
“Little Owl, I have enjoyed the challenge of trying new variations of restraint with you. If I had my phone on me, I’d show you my wallpaper picture of you sucking on my cock.” My eyes widened in shock. “I haven’t told you this, but I have been rearranging my dungeon and bedroom at home in anticipation of eventually bringing you there. I wouldn’t do that unless I was serious about us, pet.”
My eyes flew to the tan duffel bag with his supplies. “Would you… I mean, if you don’t do that with me, would you find someone else you can do it with?”
His jaw dropped. “Never. Little Owl, do you have any idea just how completely you’ve taken over my every thought?”
I wasn’t ready to answer that question. “But there’s so much that I can’t do with you.”
His hand moved from my cheek to my chin. “Stop that,” he snapped. “Right fucking now. You are notlessbecause of what youcan’tdo. Have you considered everything youcando, that youhave donefor me? If I never touch another flogger again in my life, I will still be happy—so long as I can still touchyou.”
Tears flowed faster, and I had to sniffle to keep my nose from running. I loved everything he was saying. More than that, Iwantedit. Wanted the promise and the assurance of a contract with him. Wanted it in writing that he wasmine.
But I still had to try. Even if my heart wasn’t in it.
“Pain does nothing for me. It doesn’t turn me on or off. It just is. I just…build a wall in my head to stop it from really registering. I don’t know what I am supposed to give you, if not my pain.”
He leaned forward and licked my tears off my cheeks. “How about yourpleasure?”
Chapter Forty
