The loneliness in his voice when he mentioned people he couldn’t protect made me think he’d want to protect us too. Maybe he would. Maybe he’d find a way to keep us safe while being part of our lives.
Or maybe he’d decide we’re liabilities he can’t afford, complications that make him vulnerable to his enemies and send us away…or worse.
The five minutes pass too quickly, and I help Leo gather his dinosaurs back in his tote before we get ready for bedtime. In the bathroom, he chatters about his day while I run his bath water, testing the temperature with my elbow the way my aunt taught me years ago.
“Mama, can we hang out with Mr. Radmir again sometime? Maybe he could come for dinner and I could show him my whole dinosaur collection, not just the ones I brought to the living room.”
The hopeful question makes my heart clench. “Mr. Vetrov is very busy with his work, sweetheart. I’m not sure he’ll have time to visit us.”
His lower lip protrudes. “He wanted to. He said he hoped he’d see me again.” He climbs into the tub and immediately starts playing with his bath toys. “Maybe if we invited him nicely, he could make time.”
I kneel beside the tub and help him wash his hair, trying to find words that won’t disappoint him but also won’t encourage false hope. “Sometimes, adults have to make difficult choices about how they spend their time. Mr. Vetrov has a lot of important responsibilities.”
“More important than dinosaurs and spaghetti?”
The innocent question makes me smile despite my anxiety. “To some people, yes.”
He shakes his head in disbelief. “That’s silly. Dinosaurs are the most importantest thing ever, and your spaghetti is really good.”
I manage a smile. “Thank you, baby. I’m glad you think so.”
After his bath, I help him into his dinosaur pajamas before we settle into his bed for story time. Tonight’s book is finishing up the dragon librarian series, and Leo listens with rapt attention as I read about the dragon’s struggles with power and responsibility.
“The dragon reminds me of Mr. Radmir,” he says when I finish the story. “He seemed kind of scary at first, but then he was really nice when we talked about dinosaurs.”
The comparison makes me pause. There’s wisdom in Leo’s simple observation that I hadn’t considered. Radmir does have that quality of authority that could be frightening or protective, depending on how it’s directed.
“Some people seem scary because they have big responsibilities,” I say as I tuck him in. “That doesn’t mean they’re bad people.”
“Like police officers or firefighters?”
“Something like that.” I’m glad he doesn’t ask me if Mr. Vetrov is a bad man. I have no idea how to answer that honestly. I’m sure he does bad things, but does that make him a bad person? The answer doesn’t immediately pop into my mind.
I kiss his forehead and turn on his nightlight, a small dinosaur that projects green stars on the ceiling. “Sweet dreams, sweetheart. I love you.”
“Love you too, Mama. Maybe tomorrow we can call Mr. Radmir and ask if he wants to learn more about dinosaurs?”
“We’ll see,” I say, because I don’t have the heart to tell him it’s not that simple. I hope he’ll have given up on the idea by morning. I don’t want Radmir to become an obsession.
I close his bedroom door and lean against it for a moment, listening to him settling into sleep. In a few minutes, he’ll be dreaming about dinosaurs and dragons, blissfully unaware of the adult complications threatening to upend our peaceful life.
I’m running out of time in more ways than one. The pregnancy will become obvious soon, and Leo is already talking about wanting to see Radmir again. Every day I wait to address this situation makes it more complicated and potentially more dangerous.
The smart thing would be to quit my job at the estate immediately and disappear with Leo before Radmir can act onwhatever suspicions he has. We could move to another state and start over somewhere he can’t find us.
The thought of running makes me feel sick. Leo loves his preschool and his friends. He adores Carmen and looks forward to her guitar lessons. He has a relationship with Aunt Molly that brings him stability and love. Uprooting him from everything familiar seems cruel, especially when he’s too young to understand why it’s necessary.
More than that, I’m tired of running from decisions I made before I knew better. I was twenty-three and naive when I slept with a man whose real name I didn’t know. I was scared and overwhelmed when I discovered I was pregnant with no way to contact him. Every choice I’ve made since then has been about protecting Leo, but maybe I’ve been protecting him from the wrong things.
Maybe the danger isn’t Radmir himself, but the secrets I’ve been keeping from him. Oh, and the danger his world represents. Can’t forget about that.
I brush my teeth and change into pajamas, going through the motions of my evening routine while my mind churns through possibilities. I could call in sick on Monday and avoid facing Radmir until I decide what to do. I could write him a letter explaining everything and leave it on his desk, then disappear before he has a chance to respond.
Or I could trust that the man who bought my son ice cream and listened patiently to his stories about preschool drama might be someone I can work with to find a solution that protects everyone involved.
I created this situation by keeping Radmir’s identity secret from Leo and Leo’s existence secret from Radmir. Now, I have to find a way to untangle the web of lies I’ve woven, hopefully without destroying the people I love in the process.
I close my eyes and try to sleep, but my mind keeps returning to the expression on Radmir’s face when Leo asked if he had children, and the carefully neutral way he said he hoped to soon. He knows Leo is his son. The question now is what he plans to do about it, and whether I’ll have any say in how this plays out.
