“If it’s like before, I have a few months before it becomes obvious. I popped around fifteen weeks with Leo.” I stir the sauce, focusing on the mundane task instead of the implications. “Maybe longer if I’m careful about clothing choices.”
“And then what?”
“I don’t know.” The admission feels like failure. “I’ve been so focused on keeping the first secret that I never planned for what would happen if there were more secrets to keep. I certainly never expected to be in this position twice. I can’t believe I was so stupid.”
“That’s a mean word, Mama,” says Leo as he sets out the plates in individual places.
“I know, baby. I’m sorry.” Sometimes, it’s apt though.
Dinner is ready shortly after, and I try to stay focused, but I’m distracted. Leo’s chatter carries us through. When he announces that he’s finished with the pasta, I scoop him up for a hug as he runs by, ignoring the sauce he gets on my shirt from his face and hands when he immediately wraps his arms around my waist in one of his spontaneous hugs. I need this.
“I love you, Mama.”
“I love you too, sweetheart.”
The simple exchange breaks something loose in my chest. This is what matters. Whatever decisions I make going forward, they have to protect this relationship first. I let him go so he can wash his hands and start clearing dinner plates after saving the leftovers.
“Carmen,” I say quietly, “What if I’m wrong about Radmir? What if he’s not the kind of man who would try to take Leo away or reject him completely?”
“What do you mean?”
“What if there’s some middle ground I haven’t considered? Some way to tell him the truth without losing everything?”
Carmen sets down her water glass, considering the question seriously. “What would that look like?”
“I don’t know. Maybe starting slowly, seeing how he reacts to the idea of Leo existing before telling him about the pregnancy.” I test the pasta, finding it perfectly al dente. “Or maybe finding some neutral ground where we can have an honest conversation about what happened four years ago.”
“That sounds reasonable.”
I smile with a hint of bitterness. “Or maybe I’m just looking for excuses to avoid making any decision at all.”
Carmen comes to help me by emptying the clean dishes from the dishwasher so I can reload it. “Whatever you decide, I’ll help however I can.”
“I know. Thank you.” I finish rinsing as she puts away the last clean cup and start stacking them in the tray. “I just wish I knew the right answer.”
“Maybe there isn’t a single right answer. Maybe there are just different choices with different consequences, and you have to pick the one you can live with.”
Leo returns from the bathroom, his hands still slightly damp, and hugs me again. “Movie?” he asks hopefully.
I nod. My concentration is shot, but we’ve seen the dragon movie about three hundred times, so he won’t expect me to be glued to my seat.
“Thanks, Mama.” He hugs my side before running toward the living room.
“You’re welcome, baby,” I call after him.
Carmen puts popcorn in the air popper when I ask as I search for my biggest bowl. We join him in the living room, and he has the menu called up, selecting the movie he wants to watch. We eat popcorn and watch in comfortable silence for a few minutes.
He tells Carmen all about the movie, not waiting for her to get to the parts he’s revealing, and she listens and asks thoughtful questions. I’m struck by how much his life could change if I decide to tell Radmir the truth. Right now, his biggest worry is whether the birthday party he’s supposed to attend next weekend will have a bouncy house. If he suddenly has a father and a sibling on the way, how will that change his perspective on everything?
“Mama, you’re not eating very much popcorn.”
“I’m just tired, sweetheart. It’s been a long day.”
“Are you sick? You’ve been looking funny lately.”
Carmen catches my eye, and I see the concern there. Even Leo has noticed something’s different.
I manage a feeble smile. “I’m fine. Just working hard at my job.”
