“Now, I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that all I want is to just be with you again. I’ve loved you for so long because you were an oasis in a life I was so disappointed by. And now...and now...and now…”
Lucky’s hand is covering his eyes, but his trembling bottom lip and tear-stained cheeks are on full display.
“And now...now that I know you...now that I’ve been with you...I know that all the passion and color andlifethat makes up everything you are is exactly what I was missing in my life, and it’s all I want.” My head is aching so hard it feels like it’s about to split, and I can’t breathe because of a giant rock in my throat. “I don’t want to be here on the other side of this piece of glass. I’ve always been stuck behind a piece of glass and not with you, and I just want to be with you. I want to be there. I love you, and I want to throw myself through this stupid tiny piece of glass just so I can be there again, and I’m so tired of this. I’m so tired of feeling like shit, and I’m going to die feeling like shit, and I’ll never get to be back there with you again. It’s allwrong, and nothing makes sense right now, andI can’t breathe.”
“Ava.” A woman’s voice cuts through my fuzzy, buffered hearing, and I stop talking while I try to understand where she is and also attempt to catch my breath. “Ava, try to breathe slowly so you can calm down. Your heart rate is too high.”
My eyes somehow locate the nurse through a blur of tears, and nothing makes sense in this room. Lucky’s trapped behind glass, and he’s crying, and I didn’t think he was the type to cry, and I need to be there with him. I drag in as much oxygen as I can muster and shout at the top of my ailing lungs while I reach to flatten my palm on the glass, “I’m not ready to die! I don’t want to die yet! God, please don’t let me die yet, I need to be with him!”
“You’re not dying, Ava.” The nurse is so calm, and I love her, too, even though I’m not even sure what her name is. “You’re in so much better shape than you were. You are fighting this thing so well. You’re getting there. I know you’re exhausted and frustrated, but you’re getting there. You’re going to get there, and you’ll feel better soon. You’re almost to the edge of the woods. You’re not all the way out yet, but you’re so close. And that’s why I need you to breathe slowly.”
I can’t breathe slowly. If I breathe slowly, I won’t get oxygen as fast.
My bleary gaze slides to the piece of glass, and Lucky’s eyes are red and spilling over. His bottom lip is still trembling. He’s not wearing a shirt. I can see his scars. I wish I could kiss them and bury my nose in the skin of his chest.
“Let’s breathe slowly, Ava doll,” he murmurs. His voice is so serene, but also fragile. “Remember the storm that had me freaking out?”
“Yes.”
Weren’t we just standing in it? Just a second ago?
“And we were just breathing together,” he goes on. “Remember?”
“Yes.”
Through the piece of glass, I can see the wood-paneled halls of the Jazz Manor sliding past him. “I’m gonna help you do that, sweetie.” The piano comes into view, and he sits down. “I’m gonna play you a nice, slow waltz, and we’re gonna breathe with the rhythm. Okay, honey?”
I drag in an unproductive breath and stare at his face through the glass. “I want to be there with you.”
The sound of rich, full piano chords sings from the small piece of glass. “You are with me, Ava doll.” He lifts one hand off the keys and covers the scar tissue on his chest. “You’re right here, and you’re always going to be here, and in not too much longer, you’ll be out of that hospital, and I’ll be with you in person again. And no piece of glass is ever gonna separate us like this again. Now…” He places his hand back on the keys, and he starts thrumming out a long, steady, serene melody. “You hear this waltz,dolcezza? It goes like this...one, two, three...one, two, three...one,two, three. You hear it?”
I move my head up and down and stare at him like he’s the eighth wonder of the world.
“So, we’re just going to breathe with that. In for three, and out for three.”
I stare at him as he plays and counts and breathes. His bare, broad, muscular shoulders slowly rise and fall, and the sight of it is hypnotic. A span of time stretches, and I notice I’m mimicking his breath, but I’m not even thinking about how I can’t breathe anymore.
I think Iambreathing.
I’m breathing, but now I’m feeling really sleepy.
“I’m so tired, Lucky.”
His cobalt blue eyes haven’t strayed from mine this whole time. “I know you are,cuore mia.You go ahead and let yourself rest, but keep listening to the rhythm and keep breathing with me. And before you know it…” He’s speaking slowly, equally hypnotic, and the low, cozy timbre of his voice is just as soothing as the slow chords. “...I’m not gonna be stuck behind glass anymore. I’ll be with you again. And then I’m never gonna let you go. I’m gonna hold on to you for the rest of my life. You hear me, baby?”
“I love you.” It’s not exactly what he asked, but I’m so tired, and it seems like the only thing that matters anyway. “I love you. I’vealwaysloved you.”
“I love you, too, Ava doll.” The chords force my eyes to blink slowly, and my eyelids are too heavy. “I’m gonna love you forever. And when this is all over, we’re gonna do everything you ever wanted, hoped for, and dreamed of. So you keep breathing with this rhythm and let yourself sleep. I’m gonna be right here when you wake up again.”
“I love you.” My eyes blink shut, and I forget that I can’t breathe. I forget that I’m dying and he’s trapped behind glass. Because in my mind, we’re right where we belong. Which might be New Orleans. Or it might be Austin. Or it might be anywhere else in the world—just as long as we’re together. “I love you. I love you. I love you.”
Twenty-Seven
Lucky
It took at leastanother week before Ava was fully out of the woods. She stabilized, and her fever slowly, steadily pulled back. She slept a lot. She cried a lot. She vacillated between agitation, and despair, and hope, and resolve, and anxiety, and fear, and all the way back around again.
But she fought back, and she swung for the fences, and after the virus had ransacked her little body forfive fucking weeks, she knocked that shit out of the park. And then, my girl was finally cleared to leave the hospital.
