Her tone is totally chastising, as though I fell on purpose, andfor God’s sake.
“Jeez,sorry,” I mumble.
“Come on.” She reaches to grab my hand and gives it a tug. “You need to try to get through the whole thing at least once a day to keep your joints loose.”
“I don’twantto get through the whole thing once a day,” I whine, resisting her tug on my arm. “Good luck trying to pull my fat ass off the floor.”
“Gawd.” She scoffs. “Your ass isn’t fat. You’re actually a pretty small pregnant person, but you still need to move that ass.” She drops my hand and slaps her arm against the side of her thigh. “It’s not good for you to just lay around all the time. I don’t care how much your lady balls are aching.” She gestures emphatically at the TV. “Yogais supposed to alleviate that pain. This is literally your cure, and you would rather lay on the couch.”
I point at her. “If your lady balls felt likemine, you would be doing nothing but laying on the couch all day, too.”
“For fuck’s sake,” Celia mutters, stomping across the room to the kitchen bar and shoving her hand in her purse. Returning, she starts punching the screen, and then the phone starts ringing on speaker.
I stare at the ceiling. “Who are you calling?”
“Platinum Aviation,” Bertie’s voice rings out across the apartment. “How may I direct your call?”
“Bertie, it’s Celia. I need you to connect me with Colin,” Celia barks, and I suck in a gasp. “Tell him it’s an emergency.”
“Just a moment, please.”
I manage to roll onto my side and push myself upvery slowly. Too slow to snag the phone and hang up before the line clicks into a connection.
“Celia,” Colin answers in a panicked voice. “What’s the emergency?”
I stifle a groan and blurt out, “There’s no emergency, Col—”
“So here’s the deal, Casanova,” Celia deadpans, holding the phone in mid-air next to her mouth, opposite hand on her hip. “Your dumbass got Elle’s dumbass into this mess, and one side effect of said mess is extreme pain and stiffness in hergroin.” She cocks her head. “Let that sink in for a minute. Imagine how you would like to experience constant pain and stiffness inyour groinfor two months straight.”
The line is silent for a beat or two, and Celia taps the toe of her sneaker.
“Oh,” Colin utters. “Yeah, that sounds pretty miserable. Is everything okay? Bertie said—”
“Now, my sister, Frankie is having a hell of a time right now,” Celia goes on. “She already had a full-time job, but she’s recently taken another full-time job as a favor to a couple of her friends who are starting a non-profit. At the same time as all of that, she has to help plan an engagement party foranothercouple of her friends, and her plate’s too full to deal with our mama’s many, many social engagements and doctor’s appointments.So, I am getting on a flight to New Orleans tomorrow to go help her.” She pauses to cock an eyebrow. “I assume you recall all of this from my request for vacation time.”
“Oh,” he says again, sounding even more bewildered. “Yeah.”
“So because I’m going to be out of town for about two weeks,” Celia says, “and becauseyourirresponsible dumbassis responsible for this mess, I need you to make it your responsibility to make sure Elle’s stubborn ass does her prenatal yoga every day while I’m gone. Can you handle that?”
“Oh,” Colin says a third time. “Yeah, I can—”
“Nooo…!” I whine, flopping down on the couch. “I’ll do the freaking yoga! I don’t need him to babysit me while I doyoga.” I scoff. “No offense, Colin, but the last thing I want to do isyogawhile youwatch.”
“I’ll do the yoga with you,” he says, and then pauses for a beat before picking up with a smile in his voice. “If you recall, I told you a while ago that I actuallylikeyoga.”
I do recall that. It was part of the fake backstory I made up for us during the weekend that kicked off this unhinged chain of events.
Andyes, Reader, I’ll admit that it makes me smile for a nanosecond, but then I drop my head back against the couch and groan.
“I think it’s really great that you like yoga, Colin,however,” I grumble at the ceiling, “youare not constantly at risk of peeing your pants.Iam. And even though you’ve… you know…seen,like…stuff…” I huff. “I’m really not interested in peeing my maternity pants in front of you.”
At that, the room descends into silence for a second or two. But then Celia throws her fist to her mouth and snorts, andthenthere’s the sound of something shuffling over the line, and I can clearly make out the sound of Colin stifling a chuckle.
“You guys!” I snap. “This is notfunny!”
Celia throws her head back and straight up cackles. “Yeah, it is.”
Colin coughs and clears his throat. “Sorry, Elle.”
