I bite back the urge to squint incredulously at the fact that they both apparently think I’m a predator or anactualserial killer, because it sounds like there’s something else bothering her.
“Thanks, lady,” Elle says. “I’ll call you later.”
She pulls the phone away from her ear and immediately begins typing out a text.
“So…” I begin, prompted by little more than sheer curiosity. “What’s wrong with the road and the drive?”
She continues to type for another few seconds before leaning forward to drop the phone back in her purse. “Does me answering that contribute to yourbottom line?”
“No, I’m genuinely interested because you seem uncomfortable, and I’m reallynotan asshole, and I don’t want you to be uncomfortable.”
“Oh.” Elle turns to me, green eyes stretched comically wide and with an exasperated faux-smile. “Are wefriendsnow? Should we talk about our feelings? Would you like to hold hands?”
“Actually,” I start, and nowI’mthe one who’s nervous about this entire ridiculous arrangement, “we probably will need to hold hands when we’re there. These people think you’re my very serious girlfriend. If we avoid something like that, it won’t be believable.”
Elle presses her full lips together, and her throat pulses with a swallow. “That’s true.” She pauses and draws in a silent deep breath like she’s centering herself. “Okay, here’s what we should do.” I glance at her as attentively as I can while still focusing on the road, and she turns toward me in her seat. “We’re both going to say one thing we like about each other.”
My brow pulls low.
I could tell herway morethan just one thing I like about her, but a play-by-play of what I desperately want to do to her enticing body probably isn’t what she has in mind.
She apparently takes my hesitation as something totally different and clicks her tongue. “I’m sure it’s hard to think of anything you like about me, but remember that your bottom line depends on this being believable. If you can focus on something good about me this weekend, it’ll be easier for you to not visibly hate me in front of them. How long did you tell these people we’ve been dating?”
I shake my head. “I didn’t specify. I just said I was bringing my girlfriend. They know I wouldn’t bring a girlfriend to this engagement party if I wasn’t serious with her.”
“Okay, well, if we’reserious, you probably like me a lot.” She points at me accusingly. “You might even be in love with me.”
My eyes shift nervously, and Elle instantly backtracks.
“I mean… in this fictional scenario.” She coughs to clear her throat. “And if that’s the case… again, in this fictional scenario… you have to like me. So think of one thing you like about me so you can focus on it.”
Miraculously, something totally not salacious bursts into my mind. “I’ve got it.” I look at her for a slightly longer beat and point at her in an equally accusing, but more playful manner. “You watch crappy nineties comedies.”
Elle pulls in her chin and curls up one corner of her mouth, resting her elbow on the console. “You don’t know that.”
“Yes, I do.” I wag my finger. “You instantly caught my obscure reference to Tommy Boy the other day. If you knewthat line, I know you’ve watched that movie at least a dozen times, so you’ve probably watched others.” I look at her again, this time with a disarming smile intended to both play nice and distract her from the fact that I find her long, slender body impossible to not look at. “Ilike thatabout you, Elle.”
A single, brisk laugh bursts from her, but she quickly reels it in by pinching her lips tightly together. “Wow,I can’t believe I actually heard Colin Flannery say he likes something about me, even if he only said it because a million dollars is riding on it.”
I roll my eyes. “I believe I said something I like about you during your review, and a million dollars wasn’t riding onthat.”
“No…” She swings her index finger sideways to point at me. “You said something complimentary about my work ethic, and—”
“Which is something I appreciate,” I say, lifting my hand off the steering wheel for a second, “hence, I like that about you.”
“Yeah, but unless this wild idea of yours came to you during my review—which I know itdidn’t—a million dollars was riding on it.”
“Not true, but whatev—”
“Forget it.” Elle uncrosses her legs and shifts in the seat so she’s facing forward again. “We’re fighting now, and that not only defeats the purpose of this activity, it also doesn’t contribute to the bottom line.” She waves her hands in a straight line at the level of her full, but small breasts as if wiping the invisible slate clean. “You like that I watch crappy nineties comedies. Focus on that. My turn.” She pauses, staring absently out the front window while the tip of her tongue makes a brief appearance in a quick swipe across her upper lip. Lacing her fingers together, she sets her hands in her lap and her mouth parts in silence for a second. “In the coffee shop, you were on the phone with someone.”
Nerves turn my palms clammy against the steering wheel because I don’t need any evidence of Archer turning up during this weekend. I alsorefuseto expose that part of my white underbelly to Elle.
“If I remember correctly, I overheard you say, ‘I won’t do this again for you. Clean up your own mess for once.’ That means—”
“What the fuck?” I can’t help snapping at her because I suddenly feel like I’m standing in front of her totally naked andnotfor the reasons I’d like to be. “You wereeavesdroppingon my call?”
Her lips purse in annoyance. “You weren’t as discreet about that call as you probably intended to be.” She drags a deadpan look at me and points at my face. “Crappy nineties comedies, Colin. That’s your happy place for the weekend. Go to it.”
