In my pain I couldn’t remember all the details.
If I could go back in time, I would never have told Celso about his mother, I would never have told my mother about Vincent.
If I could go back in time, I would run away with him. We could leave Boston and never look back. We could disappear into the world and become strangers to everyone we used to know.
We could fall in love over and over again and be together forever.
Celso stops the boat next to the metal buoy, which is floating on the water with a tall mast and a red light.
“Go on, it’s going to be ok.” He says, holding out his hand and guiding me onto it.
“But it’s not.” I whisper. “It’s not going to be ok.”
My mother leans over the side of the boat and grabs my face. “Misha. Everything is going to be ok. I promise you. They will find you by morning and all of this will be over. Look at me. Do you understand?”
I look into my mother’s beautiful green eyes and nod.
“Yes.” I say, letting her strength sink into me.
In the distance, far far away at the shoreline, bright blue and red sirens scream across the water as the search and rescue boats launch.
“We have to go.” Celso says. “Misha - are you ok?” he asks, his eyes tight on me.
I nod again. “I’m ok. Go. Get our mother out of here.”
I cling tightly onto the rusted metal, wrapping my hands and legs around the raw, cold iron as I watch their boat move further and further away, silently escaping into the night.
It’s pitch dark, and the wind is cold on my wet, naked skin. Somewhere beneath me in the darkest pits of this hellish ocean is my wedding dress, drifting silently on the tide.
I dip my feet into the water.
My heart is aching too much. My body is numb with disbelief. I’ll never see him again.
The plan was perfect. It still is.
Except for the part where I will never see him again.
I lick my lips, and even though I’ve fallen beneath the waves, I can still taste his blood on my skin.
How do I take back what I’ve done?
How do I bring him back?
I dip my feet deeper into the ocean, and the bright red and blue lights begin to surround the burning yacht as it sinks lower into the water. I watch it. Flames lick against it, making it the brightest point. The most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
I slip slowly off the buoy, my body caressed by the pure coldness of salt water. I gasp, pushing away from the buoy and lying on my back to stare up at the sky. My hair spills around me, moving with the ripples as the current already pulls me out to sea.
I don’t deserve to live.
I don’t want to.
I want to disappear and wake up in his arms.
Blowing the air from my lungs, I sink beneath the dark, silver surface of the water and let myself continue to fall, deeper and deeper into the ocean.
Epilogue
MISHA
