My face is flushed, my skin scrubbed raw, a deep ache between my legs, and I feel a bit unsteady on my feet, but it’s much better now. As if I am one step closer to being rid of the terrible nightmare I stumbled my way into.
Changing into comfortable clothes, I go to the box of keepsakes I have and tug Auggie’s hoodie on. But then my attention catches on the rest of the items inside. On Tripp’s and Auggie’s.
My grief, which had for so long been kept at bay, hits me two-fold. Followed abruptly by guilt.
“I know.” Darius steps behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist and resting his chin on my shoulder. “I know on so many levels this is fucked up. And I know it’s a cop out, but when Tripp knew everything was getting bad, he told us to be there for you. Told us he wouldn’t blame us if we fell for you. We thought he was joking at the time, didn’t take him seriously, but then…well then he died. And I’ll be honest Sunday, in some ways I blamed you in the beginning of these loops. But then I saw what Tripp meant, and I couldn’t help myself. I fell so hard and so deep for you, itnearly consumed me. Your deaths nearly destroyed me. And I wish we could bring Tripp back, wish we could bring Auggie back, but we can’t. We just have to keep pushing forward everyday and hold onto them as parts of ourselves.”
“But why couldn’t we save them?” It’s only Darius’s arms holding me up now. My vision is blurry as tears drop to my cheeks. “Why was it just me? Why did everyone else have to die? Tripp? My brother? Julia? Carrie? Countless others. Why was I the only one who got a redo? The only one who escaped unscathed?” I twist in Darius’s hold, my face landing on his chest, my tears leaving a trail on his shirt.
“You aren’t unscathed. But I know, Sunday. I know it isn’t fair. It doesn’t make any sense. And the more you try to think about it, the worse it is. But I don’tthinkyou were ever meant to die. And Ithinkthe universe knew that. Knew that you needed to live. Knew that we wouldn’t survive without you. Some things are just meant to be. And you living is one of them.”
“But I wished to die, Darius!” The confession is heavier than I expected it to be.
It is the weight of the world pressing into my heart and soul. It is the assertion that my selfishness caused the suffering of countless others.
Darius shifts his hold, grabbing me by the shoulders instead, and for a moment, I am terrified that he will discard me. That the truth of it all will be what finally ruptures us apart.
But instead he holds me in place just a few inches away. His eyes scorching mine.
“Sunday, you are so strong and so incredibly resilient. But when you made that wish? When you felt so low and so empty? You were an eighteen year old girl who had just lost her first love and her brother. You didn’t know how all of this would turn out, you didn’t know what it meant.How can you blame yourself for the universe’s fluke? How can you blame yourself when you have sacrificed yourself over and over again to right the wrongs of this town?”
“But I didn’t die. I’m still here.”
“You did! You died ninety-nine times.” Darius is speaking against my lips. His hot breath fanning my skin.
“But I came back to life.”
“You did,” he agrees. “But you remembered. A piece or part of you always remembered the worst parts. There was one loop where I yelled at you, I screamed in your face. Not because it was your fault, but because I was angry at the world. And the next go round, you were terrified of me. Afraid I blamed you. Maybe you’re alive. Maybe we all are. But you cannot say that you escaped unscathed.”
I want to argue, to disagree. But he’s right. Pieces of myself are tarnished, blemished, unrecognizable.
“I–”
“What do you mean?!” Axel’s voice carries from downstairs, loud and angry, filled with venom.
Darius and I exchange a look before he crushes me to him one last time. “Come on. Let’s see what’s going on.” He pulls us apart, but takes my hand, squeezing it, and leads me from the room.
I may never forgive myself fully for my wish. I may never be completely assuaged of my guilt.
But I will do everything I can to right the wrongs of this town.
40
October 9th
The scene in the living room is not what I expected.
“Luna?” I ask, dropping Darius’s hand I run the last steps to her.
“Don’t hug me, you buffoon,” she says as I squeeze her in my arms. “You idiotic girl that can’t stay alive. You’re worse than a fucking dodo!” But her arms wrap around me, tugging me tighter to her. “But you did it. You finally fucking saved us.”
We pull apart, and my attention catches on Agent Jane Franz; her mother. Her eyes crinkle at the edges, and her lips lift in the softest of smiles.
“Thank you, all of you. Especially you, Sunday. I know you took a risk, but I am so grateful for it. I finally have my daughter back.” She pulls me into a hug next, but it is much briefer.
When she lets me go, I am wrenched backwards by another set of arms.
Axel’s.
