Horror fills my stomach, spreads in waves across my skin.
It’s okay. It’s going to be okay.
But is it? I promised Darius I wouldn’t hate him, and I won’t. No matter what he is forced to do. But if he is made to hurt me, will he be able to live with himself? Can I pretend well enough to enjoy it?
This wasn’t how I wanted to be with Darius for the first time, but he was gentle, kind.
Because he was allowed to be.
Darius’s eyes meet mine one last time before he is dragged off the stage and away.
But I will always remember the haunting remorse in their depths, theterror.
And I know, with certainty, Darius won’t live with himself for it.
Perhaps Sterling did this to punish me, but ultimately, it was to break Darius.
To force Darius to become the evil he despises.
23
October 6th
Back in the glorified changing room, I want to fall apart. To come undone. To cry and scream and rage.
But I don’t. Instead, I wait.
The bathroom door is locked so I am still basically naked, sticky, forced to sit on the wooden bench and lean against the cubbies as I wait. And wait. And wait.
Eventually I must fall asleep, but the sound of the door opening startles me awake.
Two women are pushed into the room.
“Clean her.”
I expect the same women as before, but it’s two different ones. One is older and I don’t recognize her, but the other…
Containing the gasp, I freeze in place zeroing in on the woman I know.
On Carrie.
Carrie pays me no mind as she makes quick work of unlocking the bathroom, and shortly after, I hear as a tub is filled.
The other woman guides me towards the running water, helps me out of the torn lingerie. “Come along sweetheart.”
Staring down at the tub, I freeze when Carrie guides me in.
A red thread wraps its way from my chest to her hands.
I see it, but unlike the purple lights, it doesn’t linger. It disappears as Carrie releases me in the hot water.
My attention zeroes in on her face. On her listless eyes, her raw nose, her cracked lips, her greasy blonde hair.
“Carrie,” I whisper.
Her eyes widen in shock, as if she hadn’t quite comprehended who I was, but she doesn’t speak.
Instead, she and the other woman begin to clean me. And I allow them to.
