Just as I’m starting to feel more grounded – ironically – I hear the door open and close behind me. I’m expecting Brody,obviously, but it’s Todd who leans on the railing next to me, resting his arms next to mine.
For a moment he looks out to sea, not saying a word. Then…
‘Hi,’ he says simply, gently even, like he doesn’t quite remember how to talk to me now.
He sounds deflated. Not that he’s usually a happy-go-lucky-sounding kind of guy but he’s never had any trouble being moody. When his heart is heavy it somehow tugs on his vocal cords, apparently, because his voice changes.
‘Hi,’ I reply, matching his tone.
He seems like he’s fidgeting a little, like he’s trying to say something, but it’s not coming out.
We never used to have any trouble talking to each other, he’s always been the kind of guy to say exactly what he thinks, but I guess we’re not the same people we used to be – not together anyway.
‘You doing all right?’ he asks after a moment or two, a weird mix of casual and concerned.
I let his question hang in the sea air for a moment because, honestly, what the fuck does he want me to say?
‘Fine,’ I tell him. We’ll leave it at that.
‘Are you sure about that?’ he asks, turning to face me.
I match his pose, looking him in the eye. God, it’s like I don’t even recognise him. How is it possible that a person’s face changes when you stop loving them (or start hating them, anyway)? The features that once warmed your heart suddenly give you the ick. The deep blue eyes I used to love looking in suddenly seem so empty and pathetic. The way his mouth turns downwards like he’s always frowning, like he permanently looks sorry for himself.
‘Todd, I’m fine,’ I say again.
‘Okay, but are you happy?’ he asks, catching me off guard.
I puff air from my cheeks. Am I happy? A month ago I thought I had my life all figured out. Now I’m untethered, with no idea where I’m headed. Sort of like if this ship didn’t have a captain, steering it towards our destination. I’m an unmanned vessel on the path to fucking nowhere. Not that I literally need a man, to know where I’m headed, but you take my point.
‘I think so,’ I say.
Why did I say that? Why didn’t I just lie?
‘You think so?’ he repeats back to me, his eyebrows knitting together for a second or two.
‘Well, you know, my boyfriend did break up with me fairly recently, on the dance floor at a wedding if you can believe anyone could be so cruel, and it took me by surprise.’
He winces. Good. It was a horrible thing to do, he deserves to feel guilty about it. It’s sort of vindicating, to see even a flicker of remorse, because up until now he’s been all about himself, about his happiness, whether I was collateral damage or not.
‘You made your decision and I’m just living with it,’ I tell him. ‘Just like you are.’
‘What if…’ he starts, looking back inside through the glass. Brody and Nikki are on the sofa, facing each other, talking – not that we can hear them. I watch as Nikki reaches out, her hand finding Brody’s, their fingers entwining. He doesn’t pull away. In fact, it looks like he’s smiling, a genuine curve of his lips that feels like a knife twisting in my chest for some reason.
Todd must see it too because he puffs air from his cheeks. Then he turns back to me.
‘I know it’s complicated, that we’ve let things get a bit… messy,’ he says. ‘But we had a plan, Jessa. A real one. We were going to build our dream house, the one we’ve always talked about. Get married. Start a family. It wasn’t just talk, it was our future. What happened?’
‘I mean, not to be a cow about it, but you fucking dumped me, Todd,’ I say plainly. ‘I didn’t abandon the plan, you did.’
‘Then perhaps I shouldn’t have,’ he replies, his tone much more confident now. ‘Perhaps I made a mistake. People panic, don’t they, when they think they’re going to spend the rest of their lives with one person?’
‘I mean, look at our friends, Kelsey and Neil, Al and Kira – they’re tying the knot, willingly, without so much as a panic attack to make them rethink their life choices,’ I tell him.
‘Perhaps it takes a mistake to realise you’ve made one,’ he says.
I pull a face, as if to say: give over.
‘I just mean that, if everything happens for a reason, maybe I need this… this blip, to get into a good place, to be able to go for what I really want,’ he says. ‘You.’
