‘Perhaps we should call it a night?’ Paul suggests – trying to hide his discomfort, but failing even worse than I am at keeping his emotions in check.
‘Yeah, good idea,’ I say, sniffing hard.
He stands up so quickly he almost knocks over his empty glass. I grab my things and follow him outside.
‘I’m really sorry,’ I tell him, wrapping my arms around myself, giving myself the hug I need right now – not that I’m much comfort to myself.
‘No worries,’ he replies. ‘I hope you get your eyes sorted.’
‘Thanks.’
There’s no way he believed that, and there’s no way I’m ever going to hear from him again – not even if he wants to sell his next house, I’ll bet, because as great as he thinks I was at my job, he’s clearly not interested in an emotionally dodgy woman who cried on a first date.
I watch him walk away. He was nice and all that but, I don’t know, it’s not Paul specifically that feels like a loss, it’s my ability to date, to move on, to be happy. I should feel bad for him, and embarrassed for myself, but I don’t. What I do feel is the most jarring combination of hopeless, because I don’t know where I go from here, and yet relief, because I don’t want to move on. I just want my old life back.
I can’t get it though, can I? I can’t go back, I can’t move forward, I’m just suspended in time – and what a shitty time to be trapped in.
I wipe my face with the napkin I brought out with me, whichis in tatters now – sort of like my love life – shove it in my bag, and pull myself together.
I don’t know what I expected to get out of tonight. He was never going to be my boyfriend, or even my plus-one to Kelsey and Neil’s wedding, but I think I just wanted to prove to myself that I was okay, that I could move on, that it was all going to be fine…
And the only thing I’ve proven to myself is the opposite. Fab.
13
Every now and then I’ll just be going about my business and my disastrous date with Paul will pop into my head. Now that I’m a few steps away from it, fair enough, crying all over the man was incredibly embarrassing. Any time I have a minute to myself, I cringe about it.
I have a moment now, because dragging my suitcase through the packed train station isn’t much brainwork, so I’m stuck with my thoughts, wondering how I got here. Not literally, I got an Uber, I mean here in this mess. I should be excited, getting a taxi to a train to a ship to a hot and sunny island. Getting dumped and then still having to take the trip with my ex – and his new girlfriend – doesn’t exactly scream: nice, relaxing summer holiday. I kind of can’t believe I’m using my time off for this.
What I thought would fly suddenly feels like it’s going to drag. Multiple days at sea, a long weekend in Sicily, doing wedding-based activities that surely involve Todd and Nikki. Ugh. They’ve taken something I love and turned it into something shit – which I suppose applies to my life, as well as this holiday.
What sounded like a dream feels like an annoyance. Why doKelsey and Neil have to have such an elaborate wedding? It’s the wedding equivalent of ‘this call could have been an email’. Most people manage to get it done in a day.
I’m just being spiky, because the situation isn’t ideal for me, but I do want Kelsey to have an amazing time, she deserves it. This cruise is a once-in-a-lifetime kind of thing, a dream – it’s just my situation that’s making it feel more like a nightmare for me. I just need to suck it up. It’s a cruise – cruise ships are huge. I’m sure I can avoid Todd and Nikki.
I’m just going to get on the train, sit back, relax and try to clear my head. Well, try to clear it while drinking the cute little cans of Cosmopolitans I picked up in the station. I just need to relax, to take it a day at a time, and enjoy the peace and quiet while I can.
I drag my suitcase on to the train, find my seat, and practically collapse into it. Bliss. Nothing but the hum of the train, the sunlight pouring in through the window and – I take my first sip of my cocktail – ahh, glorious, you’d never know it came from a can instead of a mixologist. I’m going to chill, maybe read a book, and mentally prepare myself for what’s to come.
I take my phone from my bag, to tap a message to Kelsey telling her I made the train the planner booked for me (I’m not usually the most punctual girlie) and I’m almost smiling to myself until a familiar voice wipes the vague happiness from my face.
It’s two voices, actually. Talking, flirting, laughing. My heart drops – I think it’s down on the tracks somewhere, waiting to be mullered by a train. It feels like it has been already.
Of course it’s Todd and Nikki. Of course the wedding planner booked us on to the same train. Of fucking course we’re sitting in the same carriage.
Yeah, I know, it makes sense, she probably booked the tickets all at once – but even so, this is just my luck, isn’t it? My nice,peaceful, relaxing trip – my calm before the storm – being ruined by their presence.
I slump down further in my seat, hoping it makes me invisible. Maybe they won’t see me. Maybe they’re too wrapped up in themselves to even notice anyone else? They certainly weren’t thinking about me when they got together.
They haven’t noticed me thankfully, so I think I’ll just stay slumped, carefully pour my drinks into my mouth, pop in my AirPods and mess around on my phone for a bit. Anything to block the sound of them being happy out.
There’s an email from Emma, the wedding whatever, confirming that the cabin situation is sorted, so that’s something at least. I’ll have a space of my own to retreat to, so maybe that will be my new peaceful space, seeing as though my train carriage is now full of people I don’t like.
Gosh, it’s going to be a long trip, if I sit like this the whole time. What if they spot me and call me over to join them? What if I need a wee and they realise I’ve been hiding from them? Can I skulk off to a different seat? Probably not – not without them seeing me anyway.
Once we’ve set off, I rest my head against the window, allowing the train to gently rock me, hoping it shakes out some of my stress.
Oh, here we go again, alone with my thoughts I can only think about one thing: Paul.
