‘Thanks,’ I reply, ‘but I think I’m going to drive. Just in case I want to make a quick getaway.’
There’s a beat. I know what’s coming next.
‘Are you sure you’ll be okay… seeing Todd there? It’s only been two weeks.’
‘Of course,’ I reply, and I make it sound so casual, like I’m just talking about what a sunny July we’re having. ‘I’m actually handling it really well.’
There’s another pause. Then…
‘Is that… is that Lewis Capaldi I can hear?’ she asks gently.
‘Just a bit,’ I reply. She’s got me there.
‘Thought so.’ She doesn’t laugh, bless her. Kelsey never laughs at me. ‘Look, it is going to be okay, even if it doesn’t feel like it. I’ll be right there. I won’t leave your side. We’ll get you through it. Consider it a dress rehearsal for my wedding. Survive your ex-boyfriend once, you can do it again, and each time it will get easier.’
I smile, even though my stomach has twisted into something tight and knotted.
‘Yeah,’ I say – maybe if I say it, I’ll believe it. ‘Don’t worry about me. I promise, I’ll be fine. Nothing is going to ruin your wedding.’
There’s a pause. One of those loaded ones, where you can feel the other person hesitating on the edge of something.
‘Are you sure you’re okay?’ she asks me.
‘I will be,’ I say. I’ve said it so many times now it barely feels like a lie. It’s something to say. A reflex. Like ‘bless you’ when someone sneezes. ‘Plus, I’m chief bridesmaid, so I have jobs to keep me busy.’
‘Speaking of,’ she replies, holding on each word for a little longer than normal, like she’s stalling for time. ‘I know you said you’d handle it, but are you sure you don’t want me to talk to the wedding planner? We can sort out your new room situation. Obviously you won’t be sharing with Todd now, and?—’
‘Kels,’ I interrupt gently. ‘I’ve got it. Really. Let me sort it, it will be therapeutic for me.’
She hesitates again. I can almost hear her thinking, biting her lip like she does when she’s trying not to fuss. I’m not sure whether she believes me or not, but what can she say?
‘If you’re sure…’
‘I’m sure,’ I lie again.
The last thing she needs is anything extra on her plate.
We say our goodbyes and I set my phone back on the windowsill, still careful not to drop it. I lean back, close my eyes and try to relax.
The bathwater is starting to feel cold now. The bubbles are gone. I glance down at the rogue chocolate chips still bobbing by my knee. At least I can pick them out now.
This sucks. This all sucks. So, so much. I have to convince Kelsey that I’m okay though, because fuck Todd, for doing this right before her wedding. I’m not saying he should have stayed with me, I’m saying that if supposedly he’s been feeling this way for a while, he should have spoken up much sooner.
I’m not sure I will be okay, if I’m being totally honest with you.I need to stop telling people that I am – especially myself. But not Kelsey, not little more than a week before we set sail for her wedding. I’m not going to let this ruin her day. I’ll show up. I’ll wear the dress. I’ll fix her veil and help her go to the bathroom and make jokes during the photos. I’ll smile like my heart hasn’t been ripped out of my chest, even though it really, really has been.
I will do it… I’m just not sure how yet. That’s all.
5
I key in the phone number for Emma, the wedding planner (or is she the wedding coordinator – I can never remember which one is which).
I stare at the number for a second before pressing call, taking a deep breath like I’m about to jump in at the deep end. I suppose I am, in a way. I just need to get this over with, ask her to sort it out, to wave her magic wand or iPad or whatever it is she uses and make it all okay. Kelsey will have made sure there was a back-up plan for this. Well, not specifically me getting dumped right before her wedding, but the need for an extra room here and there.
I don’t even care who keeps the cabin Todd and I were meant to share. He can have it. I don’t care if his has the better view, the fluffier towels, the minibar stocked with champagne. Hell, he can sleep in a penthouse suite with a hot tub and his own butler for all I care. I just want a door between us. The more the merrier.
All I care about – the only thing – is not sharing a room with my ex at Kelsey and Neil’s wedding. And it’s not even simply a room, is it? It’s a cabin, on a ship, that will be at sea for multipledays, multiple nights. It’s bad enough I have to share a ship with him – I mean, it’s bad enough I have to share a fucking ocean with him – but the cabin, that’s the pressing matter. That’s what I need to get sorted.
But I’ve spoken with Emma before and she’s… what’s the opposite of a breath of fresh air? The opposite of ‘nothing is too much trouble’? Because her attitude stinks, and literally anything you ask of her is too much trouble.
