I don’t move. I don’t say anything. I’m done.
“I said I wouldn’t hurt you and I did. Again.”
And he’ll keep doing it. I’m certain of it. So why is he here? What is he hoping to achieve? I have nowhere to go that he or my father wouldn’t force me back. I’m stuck with him. He knows that. He doesn’t have to act like he feels bad for his behavior.
“Just go, Ash. Let me have this minute and then I’ll do what’s expected. I’ll be your own little Stepford wife.” The sooner Ilearn that what I want or think means nothing, the sooner I can adapt and survive this life.
“Hannah.”
I lift my head, so angry that he can’t give me a damn moment to myself. “Go! I’m sure Meghan is?—”
“Meghan is dead.”
It takes a moment for the words to sink in. “What?” If she died, then why was he talking about betraying her by being with me? Where did he go on our wedding night?
He leans forward, resting his forearms on his thighs, dipping his head. He looks defeated. “She died in the fire. The one that killed my parents. The one the Keans set.”
The pieces click into place. His distance, the guilt in his eyes when he touches me, why Phoenix said Meghan would want him to be happy.
I sit up and see anguish in his expression. An anguish that tempers the fury I feel for him.
“I loved her. We were nineteen, but I was sure she was The One.”
Now I feel guilty for throwing her in his face so many times. “I’m sorry… I didn’t know.”
“I should have told you. That’s on me.” He shakes his head. “She shouldn’t have been there. I snuck her into the house, asked her to stay. She was sleeping in my bed, but I was off messing around with my brothers.” He closes his eyes, and I see the memory of that night play across his face. It breaks my heart.
“I should have been there to protect her." He turns his head, his piercing blue eyes meeting mine. "Everyone I love dies, Hannah. Everyone I touch…" He trails off, and I can hear the guilt crushing him.
“Is that why you don’t want me?”
“That's why I don’t want to want you.”
My brow furrows as I process his words. He doesn’t want to want me. Does that mean he does want me?
“It’s a betrayal to Meghan.” I remember the words he said to Phoenix.
“Yes, and I know this whole situation is fucked up. Here I am, using you to get my revenge for her and my parents. You deserve better than that. Better than a man who's too broken to give you what you deserve."
The pain in his voice strips away the last bit of my anger, leaving only a raw ache for him and what he lost. All this time, I thought I was competing with another woman when really, I've been competing with grief so deep it's become part of who he is.
I turn to face him, really seeing him. Gone is the dangerous, controlled man who terrified my art teacher. In its place sits someone haunted by loss.
My hand reaches for his, but I stop myself. Every touch between us has been charged with guilt, his guilt. Now I understand why. Each moment of attraction, every spark of desire has been tainted by the memory of his true love.
“I’m sorry I’ve made this hard?—”
“Hannah, no.”
I flinch, wondering how he can be upset with me now when I’m being understanding.
“I’m the one who is sorry. I truly don’t want to hurt you, but I can’t seem to stop.”
“Why did you agree to marry me knowing how painful it would be for you? If you still love her so much, why enter this arrangement at all?"
“The same reason you agreed to the arrangement. Business. Actually, for me it was revenge.” He scoffs at himself. “I married you to get revenge on the family who took the woman I loved.”
He shakes his head and rises from the bed. I think he’s going to leave, but instead he paces. "I told myself this marriage wasjust business. That I could keep my distance. But you…" He looks at me like I’m an enigma.
