“What I’m saying is, this whole time we’ve been getting to know each other, I’ve been pregnant. Most couples have a timethat’s just them. We don’t have that. We arenevergoing to have that. And that’s okay, isn’t it? I mean, we don’t have to follow the same trajectory. We can slow things down now and take our time figuring it all out.”
His knuckles turned white as he gripped the wheel. “Slow things down?”
“Yeah. I know it’s weird because technically we live together, but that doesn’t mean we have tolive together, live together, right? We can keep separate bedrooms. We can be roommates who date.” I rubbed my damp palms on my pants and stared straight out the window. “You don’t have to be a de facto dad just because we’re together.”Please, please say you want to be together. Say this isn’t too much for you.
The truck swerved slightly, then quickly corrected. I grabbed my seatbelt and looked at Steven with wide eyes. “What happened?”
“Shit. Shit,” he muttered. He rubbed his temple, checked his mirrors, steered us onto the shoulder, and threw the gearshift in park. “I knew you were going to say that, but I still didn’t…I need a minute, okay?” He pressed the heels of his palms to his eyes.
“Steven?” I stared at him in genuine confusion. Water leaked down his wrists. “Are you…are youcrying?”
“No,” he said huskily. “Listen. Listen.” He inhaled sharply, then exhaled, his hands still covering his eyes. “I understand Radish is your top priority. That’s the way it is. That’s the way ithasto be. You want separate bedrooms, fine. I can live with that for now. But we’re not roommates, Chloe, and we’re not fucking dating. I don’t even know what that means. I understand why you’re scared. I know I’m not his dad. But I can besomething. You don’t have to take my word for it right now. Just give me a chance to prove it. Don’t shut me out.”
“I’m not…I don’t… What the hell are you talking about? I’m not scared.You’rescared.” I grabbed his wrists, dragged his hands from his eyes, and literally gasped. “Youarecrying! Why are you crying?”
“Because you’re trying to cut me out of Radish’s life. That really hurts, Chloe. I understand, okay? I do. I wouldn’t take a chance on me, either, if it were my kid on the line. But it still hurts like hell.”
I unbuckled and clambered over the console to him. He reached under his seat for the lever and sent his seat careening back, then hauled me onto his lap. “Steven,” I whispered, cupping his face in my hands. “Aren’t you scared?”
He laughed hoarsely. “I’m terrified,” he confessed.
I nodded. “It’s so much. You don’t want to get trapped parenting a kid who’s not even yours. I get it. So let’s go slow. Until you know what you want.”
“For fuck’s sake, Chloe.No,” he said, exasperated. “I know what I want, and it doesn’t scare me at all. I want you. I want this baby. I want the life we’ll build together. That’s not why I’m scared.”
I scanned his face and what I saw there shook me to my core. He meant it. “Then what is it?”
“Chloe.” He sighed, thunked his head back against the rest, and contemplated the roof of the truck. “My grandfather was an asshole who raised an asshole. My dad was an asshole who raised an asshole. I would really, really like to break that cycle, and I amterrified—” His voice wobbled, and he swallowed hard. “I am terrified that I can’t.”
“You already have.” I kissed his face, first one cheek, then the other. “You’re not an asshole. You have been a good son, a good brother, a good friend, a good farrier, and a good partner. Do you know what that all adds up to?” I dropped my foreheadto his. “A good man. You’re a good man, Steven. I am so damn lucky to have you in my life and so is this baby.”
He cupped the sides of my throat in his large hands, his thumbs pushing under my jaw to angle my mouth to his. He kissed me like he couldn’t get enough.
When we broke away, his eyes were shiny and wet, but he was smiling. “Shit.” He laughed and rubbed his eyes with the backs of his hands. “No one told me I could cry from being fuckinghappy.”
I swallowed thickly. “I still want you to take some time to think about all this.”
He shook his head. “Chloe. I’m in.”
“I might not be able to have more kids. Getting pregnant once doesn’t mean I can do it again.” I ran my hands over his chest, fidgeting with the buttons.
“I’m in.”
I fisted his shirt in my hands. “Please think about it. Don’t just say things because you think that’s what I want to hear, or because you wish it were true. I don’t want to be five years into this with you and you suddenly feel your biological clock ticking for something I can’t give you.”
“I am fuckingin, Chloe.” His hands wrapped around mine, his eyes glowing at me like I hung the moon. “I was ambivalent on fatherhood before I met you. I am so glad this baby is coming, but you would have been more than enough for me. Just you. Radish is an amazing bonus. Whatever other babies come along or don’t come along, I don’t care. They’re not real. You’re real, and Radish is real. I’m all in, princess. All I need to know is if you’re in it with me.”
“I’m in,” I choked out.
“That’s my good girl,” he muttered against my mouth.
It took us a long time to get back on the road.
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STEVEN
Pregnancy Week 21:Radish is the size of an endive
