“Mom?”I rapped my knuckles on the driver’s side window. “What are you doing?”
She rolled down the window so we could hear each other. “I needed to talk to you, so I figured I should come to you for once but then I got here and realized that you’re a busy person, and maybe I was only making things worse by showing up unannounced like this. Maybe you don’t have time today. I should have called first.”
I blinked. Mom wasn’t a rambler. I was starting to worry.
“Mom.” I rubbed my arms for warmth. I hadn’t grabbed a jacket before running outside when I got her text. “Come inside.”
She rubbed her nose. “I don’t want to face Steven yet. Not after what happened at Thanksgiving. I’m too embarrassed.”
With a sigh, I rounded the car and climbed into the passenger seat. “What’s going on, Mom? Are you sick? You didn’t have to drive all the way out here. I would have come to you.”
“You always come to us, Chloe.” She pursed her lips, her forehead pinched in a frown. Then she shook her head like she had come to a decision that she didn’t particularly like. “Do you know what I realized? We visited you only once at the bungalow, and that was when you first moved in. We’ve never been to Steven’s place at all.”
“It’s fine,” I said. “It makes more sense for me to go to you. It’s easier.”
“It’s not fine. You have been making things easier for us for too long. I cannot…” Her hands twisted on her lap. “I’m so sorry, honey.”
I searched for the right words, opening and closing my mouth like a fish searching for air. I wanted to tell her it was all okay. That I didn’t mind, because this was what families did for each other. We had all done the best we could, hadn’t we?
But the truth was, it wasn’t all okay. Some of it was, some of it wasn’t, and it all got mixed up together somehow. I hadn’t setthe boundaries that I should have. It had never occurred to me that Ihadboundaries I wanted to set.
“You never asked me to take care of my brothers when you were sick,” I said slowly, carefully, still working through it myself. “I did it because it needed to be done. And I’m glad I did. I wouldn’t change any of that, except that I hated you were sick. If I had to do it all over again, I would. But asking me now to live my life on your terms…” I shook my head. “That’s not fair. If you don’t want to do the paperwork, hire someone. I can help with that. But I have my own life, and it’s mine to live as I see fit.”
“Terry said the same thing,” Mom admitted. “He felt terrible about what Steven said. You know he has always loved you like his own, and you were the only one of the five that showed any interest in the horse business. The idea of working with you every day…that was hard for him to let go of. But we are both so proud of you, no matter what you choose to do.”
“I know.” My eyes stung. “I know. It’s okay, Mom. Can we go inside and have hot chocolate now?”
“Yes—no. Darn it, I’m doing it again.” Mom cleared her throat and sat up straighter. “None of this is actually what I came here to talk about. I owe you an apology, Chloe. I should never have allowed your grandmother to treat you like that.”
“No,” I said hastily because, oh, god, I didnotwant to talk about this. Not now, not ever. “No, you don’t have to say anything, Mom. You can’t force Grams to talk to me. You can’t force her to forgive me. We can let it go.”
“I can tell her she can treat her granddaughter with basic kindness and respect, or she can find somewhere else to live,” Mom said bluntly. “You’re bringing her great-grandchild into the world. Is she going to ignore him, too? No. Enough is enough. We’ve coddled her longer than we should have.” She blinked rapidly. “Steven was right. We took the easy way out at your expense.”
I felt sick. “You can’t do that. You can’t send Grams away.”
“Honey, your grandmother is eighty-two. She’s fully an adult and can make her own decisions. We’re not sending her away. We’re telling her has a choice to make.”
My pulse beat a panicked staccato in my throat. “But she’s not wrong. I should have known. I should have said something when I first found out. I never should have left him alone that afternoon.”
“Oh, honey.” She stroked my hair back from my forehead. “You don’t really believe that, do you? You didn’t know. You’re judging your past self based on what you know now, with a degree in mental health and hundreds of clinical hours under your belt. That’s not fair. You have to forgive yourself, Chloe.”
You can’t forgive me. You don’t even know how to forgive yourself. Steven’s words echoed in my head. I squeezed my eyes shut.
“I think when we let Grams blame you for his decision, we let you blame yourself, too,” Mom said softly. “We should never have let you shoulder the blame just to keep the peace.”
“If I could just—” My voice faltered.
“Turn back time?” Mom suggested drily. “If only. But you can’t. It doesn’t matter how hard you wish otherwise. You made a judgment call, and it turned out to be the wrong one. I’m so sorry you have to live with that. We all wish we had done differently. We all thinkif we had only, then Gramps would still be here. You have to forgive yourself for what you didn’t know.”
“I don’t know how,” I confessed.
Have you ever done something you can’t take back, no matter how much you want to? You can’t fix it. You just have to live with it like a bad tattoo.
Stick with me, princess. I’ll show you how to be a villain.
I sat very still as his words collided in my soul like an earthquake. I felt rearranged by it. Suddenly I understood whathe meant. Forgiveness didn’t mean rationalizing a bad thing away. It wasn’t condoning or excusing. It was acceptance and letting go. That was all.
Steven had figured that out when I couldn’t. He had learned to live with himself. He was putting good in the world not to punish himself for being bad, but because that was who he was and who he wanted to be. I hadn’t done that. I had let Grams treat me like shit because I believed that was what I deserved.
