Jesus. How the hell had she figured that out? His Ranger face must be slipping. No sense in denying it. “I’m toxic.” He exhaled. “I don’t want to bring her down.”
“You’re in love with her, aren’t you?”
“Doesn’t matter.”
She slapped the table. “Bullshit.”
His lips twitched. She had spunk.
“It matters the most,” she said in a calm, firm voice. “So answer me.”
He blew out a breath and sat back. “Yes, I love her. That’s why I should probably walk away. To give her a chance at a good life.”
“Leo.” She cocked her head, and her incredulous gaze bored deep. “What makes you think she wouldn’t have a good life with you?”
His guilt made him feel unclean. Unworthy, and although he knew Kaydee would never agree with that, he wasn’t going to give her a chance to. “She deserves someone without my kind of past. Someone strong, not weak. Someone like her who’s righteous and helps others.”
“But Leo, don’t you see? Youareall those things.”
He laughed without amusement and shot to his feet. “Come on, Gram. A guy who takes a handful of pills and washes them down with a bottle of whiskey is not righteous or helping others.”
Guilt flooded his stomach in a nauseous swirl. Unable to face her, he turned around and strode to the sink, trying to focus on something…anything outside. But all he saw were the faces of his family and friends when he’d come to in the hospital after he’d been unconscious for several days.
Worry. Exhaustion. Anger. Guilt. You name it, he saw it darkening their eyes. Aging their faces. He’d put everyone through hell. And it was his fault. His fucking selfish fault.
But he wasn’t that guy anymore, his mind interjected. He’d moved past all that. He’d learned from it. Grew from it. He was out of those woods.
But barely. What if something bad happened? He knew how far he could fall. Christ, the last thing he wanted was to drag Kaydee down with him.
“We all have things in our past we’re not proud of, Leo,” she said from behind him. “No one is exempt from that. But if you learn from it and grow, then you need to cut yourself a break and move on.” He felt her palm on his back. “I’m damn proud of you and all you’ve accomplished. We all are.” She moved her hand to his shoulder and squeezed. “Maybe you’re looking at your past all wrong.”
He grunted. “Only one waytolook at it. I brought others down. Without trying.”
He’d been a burden. Not before Drew’s death, but since? Hell yeah. He’d been a piece of shit burden and fucking hated the fact. Hated that he lived in a house his buddies co-owned, but he didn’t. Worked for a company his buddies co-owned, but he didn’t, although he was changing all that now. It made him feel like he was less trouble…less of a mooch.
But what really bothered him—what he couldneverfix—was the fact that he’d let the images in his head eat at him until only turning to booze had made sense.
He’d been an idiotanda burden. No way would he let that happen again.
But it didn’t guarantee that he wouldn’t hurt Kaydee.
“You’re definitely looking at this wrong, Leo,” she said with another squeeze to his shoulder. “You’re a gift.”
He snorted and turned to face her. “Now who’s slinging bullshit?”
She lifted her hand to pat his face. “Sometimes someone needs to fall in order to lift others up.”
He stiffened as her words sank in. That would mean he inspired. Now that was bullshit. The last thing he felt was inspiring.
Since he had nothing to say to that, he shook his head and left.
…
Friday came and went with not much communication with Leo. He sent Kaydee a few texts…mainly in response to hers. It did little to alleviate that bad vibe that had poured off him on Wednesday.
A call from Jovy yesterday had sent her heart into her throat. She’d wanted desperately to ask about Leo but didn’t. The woman had asked if she and Fiona were free tomorrow to come to At-Ease to do a hair-cutting clinic for the veterans. She’d kept the conversation about what she and Fiona would need.
What Kaydee needed was Leo.
