But then, Cody.
His pretty brown eyes. His shy disposition. His six hundred and eighty-two facts about the damage sugar inflicts on our arteries.
Something unnamable pulls me to him.
I had to have him.
“Do you want to know why I made the list?” he says.
“Yes.”
“Because I’m terrified. I want this. I want you. But a relationship is the equivalent of a vat of angry vipers to a guy like me. The list was meant to talk me out of it.”
He’s scared, too? I mean, I get that Cody is a timid guy in a lot of ways, but he’s also not. He’s always so sure of himself. Most would cower from a guy like Doug, but he never has, even though it cost him.
When he breathes there’s a visible puff of air. Now that the truck’s off, so is the heat.
“We should get you inside,” I say.
He nods. “In a minute. I want to finish this. No matter what I put on my list to convince myself to tell you to fuck off, I couldn’t.”
“There were other things?”
“A few. They never lasted. I mentally erased them and tried to replace them with new things.”
Awesome. My worst fear come to life.
“But that’s my whole point, Ari. Nothing chases me away from you. Nothing. If something did, I’m not for you.”
“But you said nothing did.”
“I did.”
“Soooo it must mean you’re for me.”
He bites his lip, nodding.
Something else could show up on the list tomorrow,a voice hisses from the darkness.
It could.
“You said there aren’t any cons left about me. What are the other cons about?”
“They’re about me.” His bottom lip trembles. “I’m so fucking worried you’re gonna wake up and see what everyone else saw. I don’t even know what I did to make them hate me so much, but it’s gotta be something. I used to think I could find it and get rid of it, but after a lot of searching, I never found anything. So I blamed teenage high school idiots, but I’m not in high school anymore. The Dougs of the world seem to find me anyway.”
My heart fractures. A lone tear snakes down my cheek. He wipes it away with his thumb.
The list wasn’t about me at all. It was about his fears. Fears too dark to deal with, so he made a list to convince himself to retreat again so he wouldn’t hurt again.
Maybe it was the same for Mom, too. Maybe one con was all it took because her fears were mighty.
Cody’s teeth chatter.
“We need to get you inside,” I repeat.
“Okay, but you’re coming with me.”
Chapter
