She lifts a page, and I can’t tell which it is, but I can guess when she whispers, “You must really hate me.”
My chest clenches. “Idon’t.”
“Right.” Her tone says it all. I’mlying. But I know. I know for a fact I have never written a line that says I hate her. Never. Not once can I ever even remember uttering it. In a hard monotone, she recites, “Mother, can’t you see? Mother, can’t you hear? I scream into the nothingness, but it never ends up clear. I’ve tried and failed and tried again, but we’ll never get anywhere until you listen.”
My hands clench. My nails biting into my palms somehow ground me. My stomach swirls, and I remember the countless days while she was at work that I yelled that song at the food I was cooking and listened for cars coming up the drive. “You’re still not listening,” I hiss.
“What did I do that was so wrong to you?” she asks, looking too small in the midst of my precious things.
Forcing my legs to work, I push myself into the house fully and start gathering my pages. My heart stammers as love songs and other bits of plays I imagined writing end up stacked together all out of order.
“Answer me.”
“No.” I clutch the stack to my chest and extend my hand for the page she’s holding.
She doesn’t give it up. “I deserve an answer.”
“No,” I state again. “You don’t. You don’t because that question isn’t real. It’s just another way to control me. And I’mdone. Can’t you see that, Mom? I am done. If you want to have a conversation and treat me like an adult, then fine. I’m happy to tell you every wayyouhave made me come to the conclusionthat I can’t trust you. But I have spent myentire lifetending to your emotions. And I don’t have the energy anymore to continue feeling responsible for them.”
Her eyes narrow, bitter, and she drops them to the page she’s holding. “So I was just a terrible mother.”
“Yes.” The answer feels sour on my tongue. Sour and painful. Like pure acid. I wince, and my stomach rocks. Taking a breath, I—even now—try to soften that blow. “As long as you keep saying that, yes, you are a terrible mother. I’m through telling you otherwise. You’ve spent years telling me to grow up, treating me like a child, telling me to act like an adult. I came here to tell you the truth, see if maybe you’d hear me, but you already have your own conclusions. No matter what I say, I’m just a child who is lying to you. I will not be playing the role you’ve decided to give me anymore.” I spread my fingers, demanding my final page.
She drags it out of my reach. “Have some respect, Ca—”
“I am. Only this time I’m also having some for myself.”
“Listen to yourself,” she hisses. “How selfish—”
“No.Selfishis a weapon used by those who are.Selfishdoesn’t faze the ones who truly deserve that label. I’ve doneeverythingfor you.Everything. Without complaint. And I didn’t mind. I know how hard you’ve worked and tried your best. Iknowyou mean well, that you care about me and even love me in your own way.” Tears threaten to choke out my words, but I can’t let them end too soon. Not before I’ve said everything I have to. “I know you’ve been hurt, and I know all your concerns come from that place of your own hurt, but Icannotand Iwill notcontinue to enable you. I love you, Mom.” A tear careens down my cheek, and I crush my stack closer to my chest. “I love you. But you are paranoid and controlling and inconsistent. Right now, you cannot offer the stability or safety that I need. I can’t keep making myself smaller so that you don’t feel threatened when I’m more than you know how to handle.”
Her fingers tighten around my song, wrinkling the page, then flinching off. A spark of regret lightens her brown eyes for an instant, and she sets the sheet on the ground, smoothing the edges. Her voice cracks as she whispers, “So that’s it then? You’ve gone and fallen in love with some near-stranger and decided you’d prefer to run off with a boy than stay with me? I really have failed you.”
I won’t—can’t—even justify that with a response. Lex isn’t a stranger. And he isn’t just someboy. I fell asleep in his arms two nights ago after he took me shopping and shoved anything I wanted at me without a care. Anything to make me smile. I fell asleep in his arms again last night. Innocently. The question of more never even came into context. He invades my space, but he never takes a thing. The only time he ever looked at my skills and asked me to perform for him, he did so with an actual contract that I had to sign my consent on. Lex doesn’t make demands. Lex just believes. And teases. And is a gentleman.
“You’re invited to my play,” I say. “It’s the Saturday after this one. At seven in the evening at the auditorium. I’m playing lead. And I also wrote it. But that part’s a secret only two others know.”
Mom looks at me, her eyes widening by just a fraction. “Wh—”
“Because I thought I couldn’t handle the spotlight or the pressure, I asked my professor to pretend it was his. I thought I couldn’t handle a lot of things. I’ve been proving myself wrong.” IamHarriet. Independent. Strong. Capable. Hopeful.
These broken wingswillfly again.
I turn toward the door, hearing a rustle of paper and my mom’s weak voice. “Don’t you want this?”
I pause, look over my shoulder.
Mother, can’t you see?
Mother, can’t you hear?
“I think you need it more than I do.” I can make a copy in ten minutes anyway. “I’ll be back with Lex to get some stuff. And don’t worry about rent or anything. I’ll still take care of my part.”
“You don’t have t—”
“I’m not abandoning you. I need that to be clear. I’m not abandoning you like Dad did. I’m sorry I didn’t realize sooner that what happened hurt you more than you insisted it hurt me, that you were projecting yourself onto me.” I take a breath and harden my resolve. We need space. We need the space to come to our own conclusions and stop blaming each other for a lot of things. The space to mend ourselves enough that we might be able to heal together. “When you’re ready to have a real conversation, I’m here.”
With that, I leave the house I’ve always known, force my legs to take me to the car, meet Lex. He looks at the stack of papers in my arms and doesn’t say a word as I explain I want to get some things.
