The fine line between our parents seems an ever-vital one, and I don’t know what to do with the idea of it.
I push into my room, finding Calypso curled up on my bed, asleep. She cried herself to oblivion, and I’m not going to interrupt the moments of peace she’s managed to capture. Slouching into my desk chair, I watch her from across the room, trying to put myself into her role.
Everything I’ve thought is certain has fallen apart. It doesn’t matter that I’m safe with a friend, my life has come apart at the seams, my tiny already-broken family has crumbled even further. I’m lost and scared and hurting.
I don’t want to play her role.
We have mere weeks before the play. Will she have enough time to pick up the pieces and be a part of it? Is it even on the list of things she wants to worry about?
I don’t know. I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do about it, how I’m supposed to support and encourage her. All I have is the opportunity to be there for her when she wakes up.
With nothing better to do while I wait, I pour my attention into studying for finals. One way or another, I end up learning about dying wool instead.
Calypso
~~~~~~~~~~~~
When I wake up, nothing feels real. It’s like a piece of my heart is somewhere else, and I don’t know what to do about that. Surely I can’t just keep living like everything is okay. How am I even living if my heart has been dissected?
I push myself up on Lex’s bed in a horrible fray of hair and search for my backpack. I somewhat remember Lex going back into the auditorium for it after he took me to his car, but I can’t imagine where it’s ended up.
Lex sits at his desk with his headphones on, peering at his laptop. On the screen is a video of a sheep, and I can’t exactly get over the way his arms are folded while he watches, poised and serious.
I search the floor for my backpack to no avail. I want to check my phone, see if Mom’s texted, though I don’t know what I need her to say. There’s a reason Lex didn’t let me go with her. There’s a reason he stopped her from forcing me. What he said to her before taking me out to his car fills my head, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Stop thinking you have any right to demand how the sun should shine, lest you entirely snuff out the flame.
Will I ever be able to go back home?
It’s sickening how much I just want to be home right now when the very idea of it also makes me want to disappear. Home is the chaos I know.
And I love my mother.
I don’t want her to hate me or think I’ve been trying to hurt her. I’ve wanted to tell her a million times what I’ve fallen in love with, but the memories of her crushing my first love stop me. They always do. I don’t know how to tell her how badly she’s hurtme without hurting her and putting her on the offensive. I don’t know how to talk to her at all. It never feels like she gives me any room to say anything.
Lex glances my way, then he pauses his video and takes his headphones off. “Morning, sugar,” he murmurs, even though it’s past five according to his clock.
I don’t like his clock. It’s too red.
“What do you need from me, sweetheart?”
Sweetheart?He’s never called me that before. It makes something in my chest flutter.
“My phone?”
He stands, going to his closet and walking into the thing. Practically the size of my room, his closet is no doubt the kind that leads to other worlds. Somewhere, in the back, some hidden door will spill out into a realm far away from all my worries.
When he comes back out, it’s only with my backpack, not a quest, and I try not to look disappointed. He settles my faded blue bag on the bed between us and knows exactly the pocket that I keep my phone in. “What are you going to do with this?” he asks when he’s retrieved it.
“I want to check for messages from my mom.”
“Hm.” I think he might not give it to me then, but he does.
I open it, keenly aware of his stare holding to me while I look through my messages and find the stream of texts that came while I was asleep.
Mom is livid.
Obviously.
