“Tell me about them,” she gently asked.
“I don’t know anything about them. Don’t know who they are, if they’re alive. If they ever cared anything about me. Maybe my father doesn’t know anything about me like I didn’t know about Dani. But my mother did. She would have to. She walked away.”
“Tell me about your childhood. Who raised you?”
I took a deep breath and let it out slowly.
“Have you ever heard of the Trick Pony, Doc?” I asked, never taking my eyes off my daughter. I didn’t need to see Dr. Jefferson to know she knew of the place. Her stiffening body told me that. Rumors of that horrible place flew even beyond the biker world. The Trick Pony was all over the news. There hadn’t been a day since the FBI raided the place where some reporter uncovered a disgustingly new story and splashed it across the five o’clock news for all to hear.
“I have.”
“I took my first breath there. Only, I didn’t suffer the depravity they did. You see, someone saved me shortly after I was born. I thought it was Silas, or maybe even Sinclair, but it wasn’t. Silas told me once that there were six of us who left that day, four boys and a girl who carried me in her arms to safety. I never knew the girl. She didn’t stay long with us. Silas raised me and for a long time, I believed he was my brother.”
“Is it possible one of the young men who pulled you from there could be your father?”
“No. I checked. When I was thirteen, I did one of those at home paternity tests. I knew none of us were related by blood.”
“What about the girl?”
“I’ve never met her. I only know what Silas has told me about her. I was a baby when we left, so I don’t have any memories of that time.”
“Was there another time at the Trick Pony you have memories from?”
I nodded silently while I focused on Dani.
“Was Dani a product of the Trick Pony?”
I slowly nodded again.
“Dante, when I was in college I took a trip to New York. I attended a lecture by Dr. Gideon Scott. He spoke a little about the rumors surrounding the Trick Pony and how the experiences people had there shaped their lives. Consensual and nonconsensual experiences.”
I stiffened when she mentioned Malice.
“The lecture he gave impacted my life in a way I never expected. It was why I chose a career working with children of sexual assault. Would you share with me your experience at the Trick Pony? There is no judgment here, Dante.”
“As I said, I was a baby when we left,” I began, my voice devoid of all emotion. “Nightmares couldn’t begin to describe what I’d heard of the place. Knowing I was born there only made me curious. I should have left it alone. They say curiosity killed the cat. It almost killed me. I had just finished my undergraduate program at Texas A&M and transferred to MIT to take part in a new program when it happened. I was so happy to be accepted into the study, I celebrated and partied like any young man with no care in the world. Thanks to my brother and the others, I lived a charmed life. I had everything I wanted. All the advantages life could afford. I didn’t realize how blessed I was until I woke up after a night of drinking to find myself in that horrible place.”
I stood and walked over to where Dani played quietly. I didn’t pick her up. I just sat by her and watched her play.
“I wasn’t there very long, but long enough to realize the world I once lived in was just a mirage of reality because the truth was, the world is a fucking horrible place.”
Looking down at my hands, I saw them shaking.
I smirked at that, then looked up at Dr. Jefferson as I got back to my feet. “Doc, the things I am about to tell you. They’re bad.”
Taking my seat next to her again, she calmly said, “You can share as much or as little as you feel you need to. Remember, there is no judgment here.”
“There was a woman there. She was in her fifties. She used pain to make me comply. The more I fought her, the more pain she inflicted. She knew I was gay, and she used that to her advantage as she manipulated me into doing what she wanted. She was relentless, vicious, and sadistic. She never let up, and the pain she inflicted still gives me nightmares today, but what she made me do. What she forced me to do to Danika’s mother is something I will never forgive myself for. The reason I am a father is because that bitch forced me to rape a young girl. She beat us both until we succumbed to her demands. I can still hear Danika’s mother’s screams as I tore into her innocence, and through it all that bitch laughed. She fucking laughed as she forced us over and over again until I passed out from my exertions.”
Tears streamed down my face as I left nothing out.
“How can my daughter ever trust me, Doc? I raped her mother. Because of what I did, her mother is dead. My little girl will never know a mother’s love. I’m just as sick as that bitch, like the rest of them.”
Covering my face, I shook my head, unable to stop the sobs that wracked my body. I was a monster. The same vile monster that bitch was. I knew that now.
Dr. Jefferson was rocking me in her arms as I cried like a fucking baby. “I am so sorry, Dante. What you endured… You know Dr. Scott, don’t you?” she asked hesitantly.
Sniffing, I looked up at her and said, “He was one of the boys who pulled me from that place as a baby.”
