If I quit Sanderson Real Estate Services, I’d be letting my parents down. If I quit AGM, my friends would be devastated. I was damned if I did, damned if I didn’t.
“What would you do if you didn’t have to worry about anyone’s feelings?” she asked curiously.
“Focus on AGM,” I said immediately.
Nicole nodded and I saw a kind of sadness in her expression.
“What about you?” I asked. “I know you were pushed into this work as much as I was. What would you do if it was only up to you?”
“Open an architecture firm,” she said without hesitation. “Architecture is my first love.”
I remembered Nicole telling me that she’d wanted to be an architect that night we’d gone out to O’Connors. Since then I’d seen some of her architecture work, and it was impressive. I’dbeen in this field long enough to recognize that she had a real talent.
“You should do that then,” I said. “Be an architect. Open your own firm.”
“I’ll do it as soon as you quit your parents’ company and focus on AGM,” she shot back.
“Maybe we can do it together,” I said wistfully. “Make the change.”
“Maybe we can.”
We both knew it was just talk though, and that made me feel depressed. I knew it was ridiculous, being depressed about having two high powered jobs that made me more money than anyone needed. That allowed me to give generously to the community and to use my brain and skills for something I really liked.
But I also wanted to have a life outside of work. If only I didn’t have to worry about disappointing someone…
The next few days were crazy busy. Nicole and I worked together with our contractors around the clock until we finally came up with a solution for the issue with the site. We talked every day, either on Zoom or via text, but kept it strictly business.
I knew it was for the best, but in the few minutes I had to think about anything but work, I daydreamed about Nicole and our weekend together. Something had definitely shifted between us in Malibu and even though we’d had no time for any personal discussion, I instinctively knew that the shift had freaked Nicole out.
If I was honest, it had freaked me out too, but only because the idea of having a relationship was terrifying to me. I’d never really wanted one before, but spending time with Nicole made me wish for one, even though the last thing I needed was another person relying on me. Another person I would eventually disappoint by not being enough for them.
“You’re making a lot of assumptions,” my therapist told me at our next appointment. “You are a fully functional adult, why can’t you have a serious relationship?”
“With what time?” I asked dryly. “I’m working two full-time jobs here.”
“Interesting how working so much keeps you from having a relationship,” she commented. “It’s almost as if you hide behind work to avoid getting close to someone.”
“I’m close to Ariel and Maeve,” I snapped.
“Do they know you went to Malibu with Nicole?” my therapist asked.
“Um. Not exactly,” I admitted.
“Interesting.”
I hated it when she said that. There was a world of meaning in that one word.
“What do you think I should do?” I grumbled.
“I think you should consider what would makeyouhappy, even if someone else was disappointed in you for that choice.”
I had a flash of me and Nicole laying on the beach somewhere, taking a long vacation in a place with no cell service. The idea was so ludicrous I almost started laughing. Yet the idea burrowed in my head, popping into my thoughts at the most inconvenient times.
Nicole and I were working together on Zoom Saturday when I decided to see if we could get together again. One of us had to make the next move, so I guessed it would be me.
“You should come over for dinner tonight,” I said as we wrapped up the call.
“I think we’ve done everything we can until Monday,” she said.
