Orin had put him there so he shouldn’t move, Tiiran assumed, though he felt strangely shaky about it. He tried to meet Orin’s eyes and couldn’t, not with Orin silently noting everything about him.
Orin broke the silence first. “I’d assure you that I don’t mean to frighten you, but I do.”
“I’m not frightened,” Tiiran scoffed, only to go still as he realized that he truly wasn’t. He was anythingbutfrightened, or, if the shiver down his spinewasfear, it was an entirely different kind then what he was used to.
Orin flashed a smile, there and gone. “You’re not frightened. And you’re not angry. With me. Anymore.” He gave Tiiran’s earlier words back to him then paused to let Tiiran realize it. He did that a lot—gave Tiiran the space to consider himself and what he wanted. “What are you, if you’re not angry.” It was not a question, but more of a suggestion for what Tiiran ought to say next.
Tiiran had spent a night in a half-frozen garden worrying over that same issue.
He looked up to Orin’s eyes, then down again. “I was embarrassed.” He was still embarrassed. “And confused.” That, too. “Sad.” He whispered that, then bit his lip. “Disappointed. And yes, angry, but not with you. With myself for being a lackwit and a sniveling fraidy-cat.”
“You left and didn’t return.” Orin seemed calm but Tiiran didn’t think he was. “And I didn’t see you the next day. Then something came up and I had to leave, so I might not have ever seen you again.”
Tiiran flinched and raised his head. “I told you to have no incidents!”
Orin ignored him. “Did you think I fucked Nikoly?” He narrowed his eyes when Tiiran made a strangled sound but he didn’t seem very surprised. “Becauseyouwant to fuck Nikoly?”
He didn’t actually deny fucking Nikoly or possibly wanting to. Tiiran gave him a growly huff and crossed his arms, only to uncross them so he could pull at the sleeves of his robe. “You liked him, Orin. You said things to him how you do. You liked him inthatway. Without me around, you would have had him immediately and you know it.”
“The question, Tiiran.” Orin was measured, even, and unrelenting.
Tiiran startled forward. “Orin, I kissed him. He kissed me. We’re courting.” He remembered Nikoly had answered him on that point but then said something far more alarming and confusing. His arguments abruptly left him.
“Ah.” Orin looked away, brows down. He stared at books or at nothing, then smiled faintly before turning back to Tiiran. “I expected it, but it did sting a little to hear,” he confessed. The heavy frown began to lift when Tiiran crept closer.
Tiiran deliberately bumped against Orin’s boots. “A sting? Nikoly said I hurt him too. I don’t understand how I’d have the power to.”
“Which is why you don’t run away.” Orin still didn’t give Tiiran any instruction or touch him, not even to tip Tiiran’s chin up too high. “You expected me to be more upset,” he guessed without guessing, watching Tiiran closely. “About the kissing or the courting? Did youwantme to mind, kitten? That’s not nice to Nikoly. That’s not how he wants to be used.”
Tiiran leaned in but stopped before he could hide his face against Orin again. He wasn’t certain that was allowed. “Orin,” he whined at last. “You already know, don’t you? Why are you making me say all this?”
“Becauseyouneed to know,” Orin returned. “And because a part of me wants to hear it, and because it pleases me to make you to squirm, and blush, and give in. It pleases you, too.”
Tiiran swallowed.
Orin smiled. “Don’t be a coward now, kitten. I wouldn’t believe it of you.”
Nikoly must feel much the same when he was waiting for Tiiran for tell him he was good, or to touch his mouth after rough kisses against a door. Tiiran wanted to be good for Orin so much he forced himself to speak.
“I kissed him because he asked me to and I wanted to. And I wished—” He stopped short. Orin would know what it meant for Tiiran to wish but Tiiran corrected himself anyway. “Iwantedyou to care. Even though I know I’m not like your others. I never expected to be, but IwishedI had your attention in that way, like I thought he did, or would. I want him and I have since he first came here, because I’m a fool, but he seems to want me too. So do you, and I don’t understand any of it. I let myself imagine I could be special to both of you. Then I wasn’t. Which is fine. It’s as it should be. I’m just another duckling, of course I am. Nikoly is the sort of person you should admire, and you are big, and clever, and put lights in his eyes. That’s also as it should be. I imagine you have people like Nikoly desiring you wherever you go. Well, not like him. Nikoly actuallyisspecial. I can’t compare and I knew that. But… but it still hurt to see. That’s all. I’m more mature about it now. No more wishing. I’ll be content with what I have.” He peeked upward. “Please, may I hug you again?”
“So polite,” Orin remarked, enfolding Tiiran in his arms. “From that alone, I could tell you’ve been spending more time with your pup.” He held Tiiran to him so crushingly tight that most of Tiiran’s heated, squirming nerves left him. He relaxed, then exhaled slowly and rubbed his face against Orin’s gambeson.
“Heislike a pup,” he murmured. “He isn’t. Yet heis.” Tiiran thought of the collars hunting dogs wore. “But Ialsohave the nature of one of your ducklings, so I don’t understand how I’m to deal with him. He bought me dried cherries,” he revealed a moment later. “What am I to do with him? I don’t know how to court anyone, much less someone who makes remarks about,” he couldn’t say it now, not the whole thing, so admitted to only a fraction of it, “being mine. He would be better served by you. There’s nothing wrong with voicing it, no matter what either of you might say to that. Well, that is, I suspect I know what you would say to that. I don’t quite understand what he had to say about it.”
Orin seemed almost reluctantly amused. “You should ask him.”
“But I can’t without asking you,” Tiiran complained. “Because I am also yours—one of yours,” he added, lightning fast. “Again, I know I’m not special. It doesn’t even really bother me that you have other partners out there.” If that were solidly true, he probably wouldn’t growl through the words. “It’s only that I will never be as good as them. That is what bothers me. I’mfrustratingto you. You’ve just returned. From danger!” Tiiran raised his head to make this clear. “You do important work and I am whining to you about cherries.”
Orin was smiling. That was oddly frightening too, in the not-terrible way that Orin excited Tiiran and worried him and pleased him.
“You’re asking my permission to court your handsome Nikoly,” Orin corrected. He looked Tiiran right in the eye and Tiiran snapped his mouth shut to stare mutely back. “Do you knowwhyyou’re asking me permission? Or why you wanted me to meet him?”
Tiiran shook his head, but that wouldn’t do; Orin required a real answer.
“I wanted to know if he was good.” Tiiran trusted Orin and Orin should know it. But the answer didn’t feel complete. “And if I could trust him?” he guessed.
Orin inclined his head slightly. “And?”
