Piya the child murderer, Tiiran thought with distracted viciousness,itshouldget out.
“Tiiran,” Orin growled as if Tiiran’s face had showed him Tiiran’s thoughts, “what are you doing to us?”
Tiiran wanted them to stay and had said so. Then he had told them they could leave him because they said they must leave.Theywere the ones causing this, the ones who spoke of taking Tiiran with them, of not ever leaving him again.
He pushed his way between them, his head down, his hands gripping both coarse and fine cloth so they couldn’t go. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be like her. I’ll do as you say. Just like in bed play when I say ‘Yes, Orin.’ And in the library, when Nikoly directs me as he pleases.” He could barely breathe. “I’ve never had anything before. I’m sorry. I won’t be like her.” He raised his head and whatever else he meant to say was forgotten as he found Nikoly’s mouth and kissed it softly. Tiiran dragged himself from one mouth to find another, tugging Orin down to meet him, then returned to give Nikoly one last kiss before dropping his head again. He was trembling. “I’m sorry. I suppose you will say that I’m scared in addition to foolish.”
“Not afraid of kings or the fae.” Orin put a heavy hand to Tiiran’s neck, calming Tiiran again at last. “Only of hurting us.”
“He’ll also be leaving all he knows,” Nikoly added gently. “I am sorry for that, bee.”
Tiiran shook his head to deny it. “It’s a building, and it’s the country, and it’s mine, but I didn’t mean to act like she did. I’m not like her. I couldn’t be because, I would never—” He looked up when Orin began to pet him. “I’ll be afraid, Orin. Nikoly will be too, as well as tired, because I’m trouble.” He scowled at their expressions although they were the ones to say it and they were right. “So youmustfind us when you are done. To make it right, to make the tangle go away. I only ever feel that when you are gone or when you are displeased with me, either of you.” He glanced to Nikoly. “Then you take it away for me, and I thought it was on purpose, and it is; Orin, you are clever and Nikoly is scheming.” Nikoly frowned slightly but Tiiran shook his head for that too. “But also it happens when I am alone with you, and it is best when we are like this. Just like this.” Close, like lovers. “Whatever it is, it’s good and you both must like it too, to be with me even though I am bothersome and dangerous.”
Tiiran jerked a finger in the air to point at each of them when he thought they would argue. “I keep trying to tell you that it is there and it is there the most when you are with me, withus. So you must find us, Orin. That is that.”
Orin cupped his cheek, which silenced him, and stared down at Tiiran until Tiiran felt as easily crushable as one of his dried petals.
“As Tiiran says,” Nikoly agreed, drawing Orin’s gaze to him.
Then Orin’s hand slid away and he stepped back. “Kitten, you should think on what you feel so that you can better tell us about it. Learn its name. That is my instruction for you while I’m away. And to listen to Nikoly. Serve him well by heeding his suggestions. Now, I will leave. Don’t follow me. Don’t make me have to leave you again.”
“But, Orin,” Tiiran said anyway, but said no more when Orin started to frown. Tiiran didn’t want to wound him again, although he didn’t see how his worry could do that.
“You will serve him well by living,” Nikoly said softly when Orin was gone.
Orin had not turned back.
“And by not doubting his word,” Nikoly continued, exhaling in surprise when Tiiran pushed against him in a rough hug.
“Doyouknow what it is I feel?” Tiiran wondered, voice thick as if he had the snuffles again. “He could have told me. He would have, before.”
“He only just discovered he has a home and it has already been taken from him,” Nikoly explained without scolding. “And he doesn’t have you to hold as I do.”
“I am no comfort,” Tiiran declared bitterly, because he could speak the truth about himself too.
“I must be patient with Tiiran,” Nikoly murmured to himself. Then he pulled away until he was staring into Tiiran’s wide eyes. “Did Orin not just tell you that you are strength itself?”
“No. He said…”
Nikoly shushed him. “You are resolute, brave, and fae-touched, which means you are dangerous. We accepted this long ago. Well, I know I did, and from how Orin speaks of you, I believe he did the same. But if you could just….” He sighed heavily. “You can’t. That’s what makes you so remarkable—and threatening. You won’t mean to fight me, but you will. I now understand why my teachers all said I’d appreciate their restraint one day. Very well. Give me your hand.”
Tiiran objected. “I’m small but I’m not a child who needs their hand held.”
“PerhapsIneed my hand held,” Nikoly answered without a glance down, or a bat of an eyelash, or anything else that might have made Tiiran give in to him without thought. Tiiran held his hand out. Nikoly took it, then led Tiiran back into the library.
Chapter Twenty-two
Nikoly didn’t want Tiiran seen outside of the library. He also didn’t want Tiiran to tell the others they planned to leave that night. Tiiran was sent to a different abandoned office, the tiny one that had been stacked with books and scrollsbeforeMattin had added to the piles, to write notes to Mattin and Po explaining what to do and his plans to return when things were calmer. He also wrote a note addressed to no one, in casenoassistants showed up to the library in the morning and some unknown person would be the first to return after… after whatever happened.
Composing the notes was no simple task. He decided not to mention the records hidden in the cellar. They were safest if partly forgotten. He spoke of the mousers, the supply of components to make ink, and the Master Keepers who had never officially resigned who might need to be contacted again.
Then Mattin slipped into the room and Tiiran swept the notes aside to let Mattin poke at his hair again.
“Are you going to leave?” Tiiran asked him finally, trying not to wince at the application of one of Mattin’s wire-and-glass hair clasps by his ear. Mattin’s hands were trembling and Tiiran didn’t want to draw attention to it.
“I could. But not yet.” Mattin snapped another clasp into Tiiran’s hair. Tiiran resolved to remove them before he left. They weren’t made of jewels, but they were worth than Tiiran could ever afford to lose. “The library.”
That was all Mattin said, and yet it eased a small fraction of the fears Tiiran hadn’t known he had. Acknowledging feelings did not do much good, in his opinion, except that now heknewhe was afraid for Mattin and the others.
