Theyhadbeen in Acana territory for reasons they had never stated, Lan and Race and Heni.
They couldn’t have known Fen would be where they’d found him. But they might have been on their way to intercept Fen and the guards taking him to The Geon. Or possibly, Lan had wanted to prevent The Acana gaining another ally by keeping Fen from his intended alliance partner.
But Fen frowned, because he had offered himself as a hostage and been refused. He supposed that the Wild Dog carrying the Flower from the song off into the dangers of the woods—and the dangers of the camp of the Wild Dog—would not make Lan the innocent in any future disputes, and Lan would have been aware of that. He had taken Fen with them mostly because he had pitied Fen, and a little because he loathed The Acana and disliked The Geon.
But the story could be altered. Fen considered it from his new perspective ofcuband not Fen of the Acana. Fen could remain a captive, but not Lan’s. Nothing in that song about Fen was reallyaboutFen, after all. Maybe Lan had rescued the Flower-of-the-North from the cruel Acana. That could serve Lan’s purposes much better. People would believe many crimes of Fen’s father… Lan seemed to already believe them, even ones Fen had not spoken of.
Fen turned to his head to study the side of Lan’s face and got a brief, curious look in return. Lan’s hand stayed put. Fen didn’t move his either, although he turned to face the others. A part of his mind attended to their words. The rest of him was buried beneath warm furs with Lan at his back. The dangers Lan had so often warned him about were approaching but Fen was calm. Perhaps that was something like what Race and Dol had meant about taking a moment to rest. The Acana would sneer at the idea of sitting with his family and sharing a found feast of roasted chestnuts. Lan offered some to those who joined them.
Fen wanted to give Lan all the moments of rest, rare treats and a fire’s heat. For Lan to know the peace within Fen’s ribs when Lan held him. Because of the approaching dangers but even without them, Fen thought he’d want to make Lan happy. Lan might not be as fascinated with Fen as Fen was with him, but Lan thought Fen was pretty enough and didn’t mind sharing a bed with him. Fen could give him that for as long as Lan allowed.
He would have to talk to Ati, who would mutter about it.
Fen felt not a bit nervous at the thought of that conversation, although his breathing caught when he then thought of speaking of it with Lan, his insides tangling at the possibility that Lan would say no. But then, as if he’d noticed Fen’s agitation, Lan began to sweep his thumb back and forth again until Fen was soothed once more.
Fen forced his thoughts away from those plans to return to them where Lan wanted them. He did his best to listen to what he was privileged to hear and not narrow his world down to the press of Lan’s thumb over the pounding beat of his heart.
Fifteen
Fen entered the tent well after dark, clutching an old robe of Ati’s at his throat and wishing the robe reached his feet, which were nearly frozen. He had been in the tent earlier but only briefly to leave most of his things by his bed on the ground before heading out again. The stream everyone used for fresh water for drinking and bathing was cold during the day and no warmer at night.
Lan was in bed, which Fen had expected at the late hour, but he wasn’t asleep. He had left a small candle to burn down at the table, the flame providing enough light to show him propped up against the small headboard of the travel bed, on top of the fur cover, having removed only his boots and his shirts as though he’d been prepared for bed but hadn’t gone to sleep.
He sat up when Fen stepped inside. “There you are,” he began immediately. “I thought…” he stopped himself there, then went on, “that a bear had gotten you at last,” he finished, quieter.
Fen shook his head, although obviously he had not been eaten by any wild creatures. He should step further into the tent but his feet seemed frozen in truth, leaving him in front of the flap as it fell closed behind him.
Lan observed him with a frown, then straightened even more as if about to swing his feet to the ground and stand. “Are you well? It’s not like Ati to keep you this late.” He became alarmed. “Did someone worsen?”
Fen quickly shook his head for that too. “No,” he managed, after pressing his lips together to help warm them. The composure he had learned in The Acana’s holding did not mean much where he was now, particularly with Lan who saw through it, but Fen summoned some of it anyway and took a step. He took another when the first was easier than he might have thought.
When he was at the foot of Lan’s bed, he raised his head so Lan could clearly see his face. He didn’t think the Bal had words for the moment. If they did, he didn’t know them.
Though his mouth was dry, he said, “Lan, if you are lonely in your bed and do not mind, I could share it with you.”
Lan let silence fall between them although it was not one Fen knew how to interpret.
“Tired of the ground?” Lan finally asked. “Are you still cold?”
Fen dropped his gaze to the bed, to Lan’s feet, comfortably in socks. “That’s not what I meant, which I believe you know.”
“You have a place here,” Lan answered. “I have tried to make that clear. You have a place here regardless of anything else.”
Killan from the morra believed he could conquer all the known lands but not that he was suited to offer judgments. Yet he rang as true as the silver bells around a dancer’s ankles with every answer he gave.
Fen brought his gaze up to Lan’s knees, then took a breath before raising it to Lan’s face. “If you don’t want me, you have only to say.”
Lan inclined his head and almost seemed to smile. “Leaving me with the choice to lie or to admit it. Neatly done, flower.”
Fen felt something pass over his face and wondered if his eyebrows were high, if he looked as surprised as he was. “You want me?” he asked, clutching the robe tighter while his heart pounded. “In your bed with you?” he pressed and inched forward, his frozen toes digging into crushed leaves and dirt. “I don’t expect you to desire me as I desire you, but I am here.”
“No, you are there,” Lan corrected before taking a deep breath. “That you need to ask is part of what worries me.”
Fen dug his toes deeper into the leaves but only to warm them. His hold on the robe loosened. “You’ve been obvious?” He considered that out loud. “I’m used to….” He thought it best not to mention The Geon since the last time he had, Lan had nearly shouted to remind Fen that he and The Geon were not the same. “I’m new to this,” he said instead, although Lan had probably guessed what he’d been going to say.
“That’s another reason to worry,” Lan informed him without answering Fen’s initial question. He assessed Fen steadily until Fen shifted from foot to foot.
Fen made himself be still. “You often look at me that way. I don’t know what it means, but it makes me warm and anxious at once.”
