He took a moment to do that and the excited talk in the room grew subdued.
“Good to see you up and about,” Let offered diplomatically. The others agreed, including some of the kitchen staff, doubtlessly watching or listening to whatever foolishness Zelli would manage now. Zelli looked back at Tahlen.
Tahlen’s gaze had not changed from the last time Zelli had seen it.
“Tahlen.” Zelli realized he was trembling. “I…”
“I asked you to stay back,” Tahlen said, clear enough to ring through the quiet that followed.
Zelli nodded quickly. “You did. I’m sorry. But I was with other guards. And I was leaving to come back here when…” Tahlen glanced away, the tic in his jaw visible. Zelli inched forward. “I’m sorry.”
“Armor will be made for you.” Tahlen did not look at Zelli until he added, “You will wear it.”
Zelli opened his mouth to argue that wearing armor whenever he left the fortress was hardly going to be necessary but faltered upon meeting Tahlen’s eyes. “Yes, Tahlen,” he agreed, then frowned and lowered his head. He had come here to apologize and to make sure Tahlen would sleep. He had no right to push for anything else. But the silence through the normally bustling kitchens suggested he ought to apologize more. “I would….” No, he shouldn’t say he would do it again if he had to, although hopefully he would do it differently. “I shouldn’t have done that to you. The day was already stressful for you and I made you worry more.”
“Stressful?” Esrin echoed quietly as if in disbelief.
“Esrin.” Tahlen glanced at her without raising his head.
Zelli turned to the guards around the table, who were shooting looks between him and Tahlen with mostly blank expressions, except for Vint, who glowered at Zelli in disapproval.
Zelli nodded to Vint and tried to do better, the way Tahlen would have done. “I caused you pain,” he amended his words, readying himself for the effect of Tahlen’s gaze this time. “I understand if you don’t want to see me, now or ever again. I just came here to make sure you were all right. I see that you ate, which is good. Grandmother tells me you haven’t slept yet, and you should.” That was not exactly what Zelli had had in mind and he wasn’t sure it would work on this Tahlen. “I will get Grandmother to order it, if I must. Sorry.”
“As though you don’t give orders too,” Fy muttered around several ostentatious coughs.
“I…” Zelli started again. “I thought you would be angry with me. But… but I didn’t mean to leave you.” The heat of the room made his face sting, along with some embarrassment. He fought to stay upright and did his best to avoid all other eyes. Tahlen wanted someone to care for him publicly. Zelli could give him that, if nothing else. “I didn’t want to leave you. I’d never want to, even though,” Zelli briefly scowled, “you were out there in your armor and I was just supposed to be in my room, making myself sick with worry for you.”
Tahlen’s voice went hard. “That is my duty, Zelli, and my choice.”
Zelli jerked his head up. “My duty is to try to keep you from needing to do that. And I did. I think. Possibly.”
“Bydying.”
Zelli’s breath caught in his throat at the tension in Tahlen’s voice. He thought Tahlen struggled to make his expression blank.
“You and Grandmother keep saying that,” Zelli complained. “Surely I was only nearly dead—which is enough for me.” He was sure of that. “I saw no healers with me upon waking from this.” He waved a hand over his chest and Tahlen blanched. It made Zelli swallow his next words and consider new ones. “Did my family—I mean, did the fae do something? I’ll have to find a special way to thank them. Later. When I am not….” He didn’t know what he was at the moment, exhausted and more and more afraid that Tahlen hated him.
Tahlen was finally so annoyed with Zelli that he would leave. Physically, he would be there at Grandmother’s side, but he would become distant and made of stone again and Zelli could not blame him. Zelli’s breath came faster, too fast to not be noticed by everyone else.
Zelli blinked rapidly, willing his tears away. “I am always a burden, I know. When I’m not being useless, I’m creating problems. I thought I could fix that. I’m sorry. I’ll go back to my room. Excuse me.”
The kitchen was a blur. Zelli looked to the side, at nothing in particular. Even the months of Tahlen avoiding him hadn’t felt like this. Perhaps his wound was reopening. There wasn’t a hole in his chest when he touched that spot, but he could feel it there.
“Do you need help?” Tahlen asked before Zelli could muster the strength for the walk back. “An escort to make sure you get there?”
“I have one, apparently.” Zell nodded in Tahlen’s direction without looking at him. “Thank you.”
Tahlen stopped Zelli again before Zelli could move. “What about your other problem? The original one?”
Zelli shook his head, still without looking at Tahlen. “It’s very kind of you to ask,” he said, the words proper but shamefully brittle. “It seems to have resolved itself.”A little too late, he thought resentfully, although he wondered if understanding Tahlen earlier would have changed his decisions or only made Zelli even more determined to protect him.
“What problem?” Fy nosed in. Several people whispered for him to shut up.
Tahlen exhaled, sounding worn to the bone. “Haveyou eaten?”
Zelli glanced back, wiping his eyes when blinking did not clear them. Esrin came into focus first, at Tahlen’s shoulder, her expression almost fretful.
“Since you’ve mentioned it, I can’t recall eating anything since the night we returned,” Zelli admitted. He hadn’t eaten much during their day of traveling, either. “But I’m not sure I have an appetite.”
