“Oh.”
Nicodemus did not know what else to say to that.
Bel lowered his voice even more. “That is whyIam hunting it, in my way, without the others. They don’t understand as I do. Are you finally frightened now as you should be?”
Nicodemus dropped his gaze to the fire behind Bel, meant to warm him. “And yet you do not want it to keep hurting others, even though no one is paying you to stop it and it should be the State Bureau’s job.”
“Stubborn.” Bel hissed it, then was aloof once again. “Perhaps I just like to hunt.”
“And yet,” Nicodemus began again, mouth dry, “you will stand guard, for perhaps a week or more, outside my bedroom if necessary, while my…while my rut has me vulnerable?”
He was glad he couldn’t see Bel’s face, although the silence after his question was excruciating. He had just invited Bel to ask about his affliction. If he looked, he might find judgment.
Bel’s tone, when he replied at last, was reasonable and even. “Holt should return sometime soon. It might not be the entire week.”
Nicodemus snuck a glance at Bel’s face, then another, longer, openly incredulous stare. “If this creature can create a Ring anywhere, then it could certainly do so within my room itself.” The truth of it hit him as he said the words, and seemed to hit Bel as well. Nicodemus released a shaky breath. “You would have to be in there with me.”
Bel paced to the door then back to the fire. “You don’t know what you say.”
Nicodemus knew exactly what he said, if not how he felt about it. “Would it come for me to lure you?” He realized this possibility a moment later. “Is that what it discovered tonight? I suppose one of the others would also have drawn your attention for a rescue, but one of the others might have fought back and wouldn’t be afraid of the Realm as I am. Oh. I am the weakest link in the chain, as ever. Oh—” he had another realization. “Bel, I will be…. I will be useless and weak,” begging for someone who wasn’t there, “and it will be waiting. I won’t be safe. Bel,” he looked up, wide-eyed, “Bel, I won’t be safe! I—”
“No, no, lamb. You will be safe. I promise. Listen to me for once. I will make sure you are safe. Come here.” Bel lifted Nicodemus onto his trembling legs and walked him to the spot on the bed nearest the fire, which now burned higher and hotter, before gently urging him to sit. Bel’s hands were large, careful and steady on Nicodemus’ face as he met his stare. “I will make sure. I promise you. Do you believe me?”
“I thought you wanted me frightened.” Nicodemus was so hot but his limbs were shaking.
“Not like this.” Bel’s thumb went back and forth across Nicodemus’ cheek, soothing, before he seemed to notice. He pulled his hands away, then straightened. “You should not have to be afraid of this right now. I’m sorry. I didn’t think it was that incapacitating for you. You always seem….Fuck. Holt should be here.”
Holt would have called some of the others for help and politely, if stiffly, reassured Nicodemus that he would invent a lie to save him the explanation. A lie that was not needed, apparently, which Holt must have also been fully aware of.
“How long have you all known?” Nicodemus asked, embarrassed, but distantly. The reactions of the others were not what mattered in this moment.
Bel was looking at him, although Nicodemus did not feel like raising his head. “You’re not the first asterion to have strange symptoms or different needs. Not even the first with this that I’ve seen. There is that, and more, within the Realm. I don’t know how many of us know why Holt invents reasons to send us from the house twice a year, but I’d imagine most of them do. We don’t judge you for it. How could we?”
“But you all know.” Nicodemus sat with this for several more moments, shifting restlessly to wonder who and how much, if any of them had heard him, or seen him on the days before when he was flushed and grew hard for every breeze. Bel had seen. He was suddenly sure of that.
He put a hand to his cheek. Proximity to the fire as well as Bel’s touch had left it flaming hot. “It’s probably too late now, you know.” He took a deep breath. “Sometimes with enough…well…it can be not so terrible. Not so long or overwhelming. But it’s too late now, I think. Holt was caught up where he was. And tonight….” He surprised himself with a laugh. Tonight, he had gone out, only to run into Bel. Had drawn Bel to him, if Bel was right. His laugh ended with a sigh. “I should have gone out last night, I suppose. Found someone to fuck me senseless. It helps, sometimes. Or, it used to,” he went on, blinking rapidly when the flames in the fireplace stopped moving, then resumed as if Bel had forgotten and then remembered them. “But I dislike strangers who stare at the asterion, whodojudge.”
Bel hadn’t. Bel had left the house early as Holt had no doubt instructed him to do. Tonight, he had tried to get Nicodemus to safety, partly because he knew about his affliction.
And he wanted Nicodemus.
Nicodemus shifted on the mattress again. “Bel,” he clutched the bedding tightly, “if it happens...whenit happens, now—my rut, I mean—and if you are with me…it will ease it, if you take your pleasure from me.”
The flames winked from existence.
Nicodemus thought his heart might burst out of his chest. “Holt thinks it is rather a lot.” He shook his head. “He has never said that, of course, not Holt. But I know it’s a lot. I am…needy. I am loud. I will not have the sense to stop, even if it hurts.” Nicodemus shut his eyes. “Which is why Holt prefers to help out beforehand to ease the fever during the event itself.” He cleared his throat, opened his eyes again. “Anyway. It will help, if you do. And I will not mind. I will likely beg you for it, by then.”
“But would you beg me for it now?”
Nicodemus jerked his head up to stare at Bel in absolute shock. Bel gazed back evenly, undisturbed, mask in place.
“Do you want me to?” Nicodemus wondered in bewilderment, then considered the floor, where presumably he would kneel to beg. “I’ve never done anything like that outside of the rut. Holt is friendly, and anything else with strangers was to the point.”
“On your knees with your thighs wet and your mouth full and you still trying to plead for more.”
Bel’s expression did not change.
Nicodemus could not seem to draw in enough air.
