Zeki made himself look at Theo in all his warm, dusty loveliness. He deliberately thought of all the people Theo had let flirt with him when they were younger, and all of those lining up for the chance to court him now. He needed the reminder so he could be sensible.
“I was not much to look at even before the mistake that led to this.” He touched his cheek, the scar tissue that made that touch seem distant. “I am a witch, and I have a sharp tongue. I’m no fit match for anyone.” Certainly not for anyone like Theo. “But, perhaps someday, someone will knock at my door in the dead of night, and I will find myself with a secret lover.”
“Only a secret lover?” Theo asked, softly, unsurprised, as if this was something they had discussed when Zeki ate his dinners in the common room. As if, somehow, he knew Zeki needed him to be gentle about this.
“I will say yes,” Zeki informed him without emotion. “What other offers will I have? Only someone very lonely or very curious.”
“Zeki—”
“Don’t be kind,” Zeki cut him off harshly, then pulled in a deep breath. “You are kind by nature, which is all the more remarkable, because it’s all you have known and it has not spoiled you. It’s kept yougivinginstead of making you complacent or cruel. I am sorry for my cutting tone and angry words. You did not deserve them. You never have, and usually I am better at keeping them from you.”
“No one should make you a secret,” Theo argued hotly, ignoring the compliments.
Zeki ignored Theo’s interruption in return. “I suppose with all your admirers, you will not have much time to stop with me anymore while I eat my suppers. I’ll miss that.”
“Will you?” Theo’s tone stayed heated, and Zeki stared at Theo’s tiny frown in astonishment. “Yet I have sometimes gone a month without seeing you.”
Zeki, who had not wanted to be a nuisance, or too obvious, was more than a little confused. “You wanted me here more?”
“It has beenyears, Zeki.” Theo pronounced his name with frustrated pride. “How long was I supposed to wait?”
Zeki answered Theo’s frown with a heavy scowl. “You should not have had to.” His flat, angry statement seemed to take Theo aback. Zeki pushed out a breath and felt like a dragon, full of fire and jealousy. “You have a few years yet to consider marriage. I always thought… I foolishly thought you must not want to. That you were content as you were. I suppose I could not dream that someone like you would share my predicament.”
“Predicament?” Theo closed his eyes for several moments, leaving Zeki free to stare at him however he wished. But Zeki dropped his gaze the moment Theo opened his eyes again. Theo’s voice was soft once more. “What predicament?”
“I’m in your way, keeping you from working.” Zeki made a vague nod of apology and then looked around as though he had left something behind. The confidence charm had not been taken and it felt strange to see it unclaimed. “I should take my leave.”
“What did you mean, Zeki?” Theo stopped him by saying his name again, still frustrated, but also careful. Not wary. Just full of concern for Zeki and what his words might do to him. “Please tell me.”
“Must you have everything?” Zeki sighed at the flour on the counter, but he had no fires for this. He waved a hand, hoping to be vague. “I meant, to have a heart that wants. Even a hideous witch has a heart.”
“You are not hideous.” Theo did not raise his voice, but Zeki jumped, then stiffened at Theo’s following question. “What predicament, Zeki?”
Zeki had always thought he would do anything for Theo’s smile. But an upset, saddened Theo was far more powerful. He glanced around, though they were still alone, and told himself that Theo was too gentle to ever laugh at him.
“I warned you not to be kind. I can’t resist you when you are kind.” Zeki kept his gaze down, and curled his hand over the charm without picking it up. “I have loved you since before I brewed my first potion, I think.” He heard Theo’s sharp intake of breath but did not pause. “I didn’t realize it until later, although I had no chance, even then. A stranger to the town and in training to be a witch. Plain, for the most part. But I could imagine I did, dream about it. Then I made the mistake that led to this, and people say I am cursed, or will curse them, or they cannot look at me, so I stopped pretending the chance was there. But if you are to be married, then I should keep myself away. I want you to be happy, Theo. Take the last charm. Now you see a little of why he might need it, your shy suitor.”
He took his hand away and crossed his arms over his chest. He did not know where to look.
“He's not shy,” Theo said at last, not at all what Zeki had expected, if he had expected anything. “He’s bold and direct, even with the powerful. That’s why I was confused for so long. How I did not understand why he had not come to me with his heart. But it seems he thinks himself unworthy of what I believe will be a good match—such a good match. Because of this, he has not acted despite my preference for him. Aglaringpreference that everyone sees but him. Something that has made me, until now, someone no one thought they had a chance with, and so I was never approached openly like this, by so many.”
“I’ve noticed no preference for anyone,” Zeki pointed out, all but admitting that he sat and watched and stewed in envy.
In response, Theo grew softer. “I feed him more than what he pays for, and sit with him even when the kitchens need me. I serve him myself, when I can, for the pleasure of his company, and I look to his spot when he is not here and sigh so much that my family easily guessed. I stepped forward, but he did not meet me. I waited and waited but still he did not. I left my mark at the standing stone to tell him to come to me, and he did, but not to court me. Only to help me find another, the one he thinks I want. The one he thinks I deserve, even though it pains him to speak of it.”
Zeki’s rapidly beating heart wanted those words to mean what they could not mean. “Why are you telling me this?” he demanded weakly.
“Why have you never left your mark at the stone, Zeki?”
It was not fair for Theo to ask him that, too, after everything. “A healer without magic might have been accepted more, it’s true. But a powerful, angry creature with a face like mine and a habit of speaking his mind? Who would have me?”
“I would.”
Zeki’s eyes shot up to meet Theo’s. Theo dropped his shoulders and released a long, tense breath, but did not look away.
“You…” Zeki’s voice was hoarse when he could finally speak. “Theo, I am fearsome. I’m bitter and strange and mean.”
Theo reached out and took Zeki’s hand, then gently turned it over to put the confidence charm in his palm. Zeki barely felt its weight with Theo’s hands on him, as powerful as a river. “You’re not mean. Not to me, or Violet. Not to my family, or the children you help. Only to those who are mean to you.”
