Still, I follow him as he leads the way from the classroom. He doesn’t speak until we step outside.
“Did I waste a few minutes getting us somewhere semi-private, or can my five minutes start now?” he asks, that boyish charm slipping through.
“They can start now. Let’s walk toward the cafeteria.”
He does as I ask, walking in the direction I told him.
Several seconds go by without him saying a word. It has my anger rising back up inside me. Why did he even seek me out if he wasn’t going to talk to me?
I wait another thirty seconds or so before I speak to him, my sass coming on through.
“Did you want to waste the last five minutes you have in my presence in silence, or did you have something to say? I won’t grant you another if you don’t say a word.”
He looks over at me, a small smile on his lips.
Then he speaks, shocking me.
* * *
“I love that about you. You never bullshit anyone. I’m going to be completely honest and transparent with you right now. I worried so much about getting you to talk to me, which I never thought was going to happen, by the way, that I never once considered what I would say now that I have your attention. I’m tongue-tied. I feel like a fucking idiot. Not only for hurting you the other night, but for not even being able to put into words how I feel right now. That’s why I was silent. I was trying to figure out how to start this without it ending before it even began.”
She looks up at me, eyes wide.
“You have five minutes, Kellan. Just speak, and if I need clarification, I’ll ask.”
I nod. “Okay then. You think that I kissed you the other night because I knew Clay and Grace were there. I didn’t. I know why you thought that. I won’t lie to you and tell you I’ve never been to that club before. Monica loved it. We went all the time last year, so I knew that the security guards would break us up for kissing. They don’t like to deal with couples sneaking off into nooks and crannies to fuck, so they try to stop it before it gets that far. That’s what I was doing before our kiss. I was determining if I could get away with it before some guy pulled me off of you. It’s why I looked again afterward to see if I could see anyone headed our way. That’s when I saw Clay and Grace. After, not before. So I didn’t kiss you for any other reason than it was killing me not to.”
She looks as if she is absorbing my words, so I go on.
“I want to shoot myself for the fact that you feel like I ruined your potential last first kiss because it means that for once in my life, I was on the same page with the woman I was dating. It’s always been the girl planning our wedding and picking out kids’ names early in the relationship, and I went along with it because I didn’t know any better. How could I when I didn’t know what having a connection with someone should feel like? Then I met you, and I could see it. The white picket fence with the three kids. Maybe a dog or two. I saw it, and it was you who was standing next to me. I’m not saying it’s love. I’m not sure I even know what that is, but it would be too soon to declare it anyway, but I saw a future with you. A real one. I wanted that. I do want that. I know now that I ruined it, though. Maybe not the other night, but in the past.”
I take a deep breath, stopping to turn to face her. She stops with me, her eyes glistening with tears.
I’m fucking all of this up.
Rubbing my hand down my face, I look to the sky.
“You deserve better than me. That’s without a doubt. I’m a screw-up. I don’t know what I’m doing. Hell, I fucked up the only relationship I ever had in my life with Grace under the notion that I was in love with her. I’m going to tell you something I have never told another soul and likely never will after you. Even when I pursued Grace, I knew I wasn’t in love with her. It was such a dick move, which is why I avoided her most of the time. It’s the real reason I kept flaking on our conversations. All I could think about was the conversations my mom would have with me growing up, telling me how wonderful it would be if I married Grace. That it was my responsibility to protect her and keep her safe always. The pressure it put on me had me acting without truly knowing what I was doing. It’s the same reason I can’t even be in a room with her anymore. Every time I look at her, all I can think about is the fact that my mother loved the idea of us being together so much that I let it ruin the single most important friendship I have ever had in my life, and I will never get it back.”
I swallow back the tears as my eyes start to sting.
“I know that our friendship can never be the same as it was. I would murder any asshole who hurt that girl, and there I was being the one who needed to be murdered. That’s when I knew I needed to change. I realized I dated all those girls hoping that I would find someone who would release me from the obligation I put on myself to marry Grace. Once I figured out the problem was me, I knew I needed to work on myself, and that was what I was doing. I never planned to date you, beautiful.” I reach out and cup her face. “You were never part of the plan. I should have kept walking that night and saved you the heartache. Know that even though it was short-lived, you changed my life irrevocably. You made me a better man, and I will continue to try and be that man until the day I die. You taught me that.”
“You done?” She sniffles.
I shake my head no.
“Continue then,” she whispers.
“You are the epitome of beautiful. You are kind, smart, funny, and the best person I have ever met in my life. I want you to go find happiness no matter what that looks like for you. Know that no matter what, I will be rooting you on, even if we never speak again. You are going to do great things in this world. I only wish I was going to be there to see it.”
I lift her hand to my mouth, bowing slightly, kissing the back of it. I linger for several seconds, a tear escaping without my permission. I wipe it away quickly before straightening back up.
I don’t bother to say goodbye. I’ve never liked them much. It feels so permanent.
Instead, I give her a tight smile, turning to walk away.
In my head, I keep chanting to myself to keep walking. The urge to turn around and beg on my knees for her to give us another shot riding me strong.
