There was absolutely no reason for my heart to squeeze the way it did right then.
“I’ve always wanted a bunch of kids,” I admitted, relieved to say it aloud. “I guess it just wasn’t in the cards for me. Not for lack of trying and getting all kinds of tests run.”
“You were trying to get pregnant?” Nico asked. Something dark had taken over his face. It was unsettling enough to make my stomach twist.
“Yes. Almost since I got married. I wanted to start a family right away. What is it?” I asked when he reached up to tug at the collar of his shirt.
“I… I don’t know… I’m torn with loyalties here.”
“It’s about Matthew?” I asked. “About us having kids?”
Nico looked a mix of confused and… angry.
But angry about what?
“Matt knew you were… trying and going for tests?”
“Yeah, of course. He was the one there every month when it was clear I wasn’t pregnant, telling me we had another month to work on it.”
“Christ,” Nico said. His jaw had gone so tight that a muscle twitched.
“What is it? Please.”
There was a thickness in my voice then. Years of disappointment and shattered hopes coming to the surface once again.
“Honey, Matt had a vasectomy when he was twenty-four.”
I swear the floor yawned open beneath me and sucked me down. That was how hard my belly flipped.
“What?”
“He had a scare. As soon as he knew he was in the clear, he went in and got snipped. He said he never wanted to have to worry about that again. But… maybe he got it reversed.”
“Don’t do that,” I said, lower lip wobbling. “Don’t try to defend him. This is… indefensible.”
Now I knew why he’d been so firm about not going to get tested. Because he knew I would insist on being there with him when he got his results. Ones that would say he couldn’t have kids. Because he’d removed any chance of it happening.
And he’d said nothing.
Even as I cried every month when I got my period. Each time I did a test because I was just a few days late, full of hope, and then the crushing defeat when the results said my hopes of being a mom were further and further off.
“How could he do that to me?” I asked, sniffling. I was losing my weak hold on my emotions. I was going to be a sobbing mess in a minute if I didn’t rein it in. “Knowing how much I wanted it?”
“I don’t have an answer for you, honey. You’re right. There’s no excuse for that. Not when he knew you wanted kids.”
How much of my life with Matthew had been a lie?
If he’d been able to hold me while I cried about my dreams of motherhood being just out of reach, what else might he have kept from me, or outright lied to my face about?
“I’m sorry for dropping that on you,” Nico said, reaching toward my hand, then remembering the cuts and letting his arm fall to his side.
“No. No, it’s… good to know. There really wasn’t anything wrong with me. Matthew just didn’t give me a chance.”
I sniffled hard and squeezed my eyes shut.
How could he?
Just that thought had a sob escaping me.
