‘I don’t— Maybe not explicitly but I thought it was obvious …’
‘Well, clearly it wasn’t!’I say.‘You just assumed it was.God, Tadhg, the world works so smoothly for you now and you don’t even realise it!Everyone around you does what you want, so it doesn’t seriously cross your mind that one day they won’t.And now that day’s arrived, and I’m the one paying for it!’
‘I’m so sorry.’He looks it too.But that doesn’t change anything.‘I really didn’t think this would happen.’
‘You should havecheckedthat Hugo wasn’t going to say anything!’I’m on the verge of angry tears now.‘You should have fucking checked!’
‘You’re right,’ he says.‘I know you’re right.Fuck.I’ve really messed up.’
‘Yes!’I say.‘You have!All this attention …’ I trail off.
‘Yeah?’he says gently.
‘It feels awful, Tadhg,’ I say.‘I don’t know how you deal with it.It feels really,reallyawful.’
He looks away for a second, and when he looks back at me his expression is so full of sympathy and guilt and something that looks a bit like love that I can’t hold it in any longer.I dig my fingernails into my palms the way I always used to, but it doesn’t work this time, and to my absolute horror I realise I am, at last, after all these years, doing what I vowed I’d never do and crying in front of Tadhg.Or rather, crying next to Tadhg, because now he’s sitting beside me on the bed and his arm is around me and I’m sobbing into his shirt as he holds me tightly and strokes my hair and murmurs, ‘It’s okay, Lol.It’s okay, sweetheart.It’ll be okay.’
And somehow this doesn’t feel tragic, or humiliating, or shameful.
It feels like comfort.
But once I’ve cried myself out a bit, I pull away from him and say, ‘Shit, sorry.I didn’t mean to cry all over you.’
I reach over, grab a tissue from the box on my bedside table and blow my nose loudly.I’ve basically given up on vanity now.
‘You,’ says Tadhg, ‘have absolutely nothing to apologise for.I’m the one who has to keep apologising.If it weren’t for me, you and your family wouldn’t have to deal with all this shit.I wish I could … I wish I could stop it hurting you.’
‘The stuff on social media,’ I say.‘It’s bad.I mean, it’ssobad.And there’s just somuchof it.’
‘It’ll pass,’ he says.‘I know that’s not much consolation right now, but believe me, Lol, it will pass.’
‘Have you seen what people are saying about me?’I say.‘Actually, no, I don’t want to know if you’ve seen it.If you haven’t, don’t look at it.’
‘It’s all meaningless,’ he says, ‘whatever they’re saying.’
‘But it’s relentless,’ I say.‘And it’s not just strangers.It’s people I sort of know, all messaging me, asking questions … I even got a text from Caroline.’
Tadhg looks startled.‘Brian’s ex Caroline?’
I nod.‘She runs a lifestyle brand.Called Moon.She wants to give me some ‘pieces’ if I do any events with you.’
We stare at each other for a second, and then his mouth twitches, and I let out a very undignified snort of laughter, and we both crack up until Tadhg is doubled over with mirth and I’m gasping for air.
When the laughter finally subsides, Tadhg says, ‘Obviously you said yes to Caroline.’
‘Well of course,’ I say.‘I’ll be wearing nothing but Moon from now on.Though actually she only offered to lend the pieces so I’ll have to give them all back.’I flop back on the bed and stare at the ceiling again, but this time I’m almost smiling.
Tadhg looks down at me and suddenly I’m aware of the physical intimacy.Me lying, limp from laughing, him sitting next to me, the two of us on my bed.
‘You know,’ he says, ‘if you want to stop working with me, I totally understand.If you never want to do it again, I don’t blame you.’
I sit up and think of all those commenters calling me a grifter, calling me talentless (‘If she’s so great, why hasn’t she done anything until now???’), feeling sorry for me, accusing me of sleeping with Tadhg (I fucking wish), accusing me of being after his money, after his studio, after his house.I have many, many complicated feelings about working with Tadhg, but one feeling isn’t complicated at all: I am determined not to let those dickheads decide whether I do it or not.
‘No,’ I say.‘Let’s keep going.’
I walk him downstairs and we stand in the hall where, just forty-eight hours earlier, I said goodbye to him after dinner, totally unaware of what I’d wake up to.
‘I’m sorry to rush off, but my lawyer’s coming over to the house in fifteen minutes,’ he says.‘She’s going to sort out legally firing Hugo.’
