Maybe, I thought after an hour had gone by, I should quit while I was ahead.Tadhg seemed very happy to be there too, but perhaps he was just being polite.Perhaps he was dying to get away from me and find his new musical-genius classmates.Perhaps he just wanted to go home.
But then he said, ‘Do you want to get food while they’re still serving?’So we went and got chips, and kept talking, and then he said, ‘I don’t suppose you want to get an actual drink?’So we went to the bar part of the Buttery and got pints and settled in to a corner table.And we talked, and talked, and talked.
We laughed a lot too.He told me about his older sister, Rosie, who like me had done French in college.
‘She went on Erasmus to Lyon,’ he said.‘And when she got home she claimed she’d basically forgotten how to speak English.It went on for ages.You’d ask her something basic like ‘Where’s the remote control?’and she’d pause and point at the couch and say, ‘What’s the English word for that again?”
I told him about Annie, who was now in sixth year in school and had mellowed a tiny bit since her spectacularly grumpy early teens.
‘We actually get on quite well now,’ I said.‘Which is a huge deal considering four years ago she chucked my favourite top in the bin after I dared mock her love of NSYNC.There was a lot of loud door slamming in those days.Anyway, she’s a goth now so at least she’s stopped playing NSYNC.’
We were on our second pint by then, which is probably why I said, ‘Speaking of teenage years, what happened with you and Caoimhe?’
‘Caoimhe?’said Tadhg.‘Which Caoimhe?Oh, Caoimhe from Laoise?’
‘Yeah,’ I said.‘Didn’t you, like, get together on the last night?’
Tadhg looked confused and said, ‘No!Why did you think that?’
I wished I hadn’t mentioned Caoimhe, but now I had to tell him.‘I thought I saw you together in the practice room on the last night.I was on my way to the loo and the door was open,’ I added hastily, lest he think I was spying on them creepily.
‘Ah,’ said Tadhg.‘Thatnight.’He paused and said, ‘I suppose me telling you doesn’t matter now.’
He didn’t say anything more and I said, ‘Go on.’
‘Caoimhe told me she liked me,’ said Tadhg.‘And I had to tell her I thought she was great but we should just stay friends.And she was embarrassed – though she had no reason to be, I was very flattered – and kind of upset and asked if we could just sit there until she was ready to go back in the hall, and of course that was fine with me.But nothing, like, happened between us.’
‘Oh,’ I said.‘Shit, sorry.I totally got the wrong end of the stick.So did you stay in touch?’
‘Ah, no, we didn’t,’ said Tadhg.‘We met up once but it was kind of awkward.You know what it’s like when a friend tells you something like that.I didn’t want to hurt her, and I didn’t want to lead her on or anything, so I think we both felt it was easier if we didn’t see each other.’
I was suddenly very aware of two things.One was relief.Relief that he hadn’t been into Caoimhe at all.Which meant there was a chance that post-gig kiss had been a real kiss after all.Which meant maybe there was a tiny chance he had likedme back then the way I liked him.Maybe there was a tiny chance he could like me that way now.Because I knew I still fancied him.A lot.
But I was also aware that I could never,everreveal these feelings to him – not unless I was a hundred per cent sure he returned them.I didn’t want to be the latest in a long line of female friends who revealed their love to an embarrassed Tadhg.The idea of him kindly telling me he didn’t fancy me was too horrific.He might say he was flattered by Caoimhe fancying him, but that was just him being a gentleman.No one’s immediate reaction to being told that a friend has unrequited feelings for them is ‘Oh, what a lovely compliment!’. It’s ‘Oh God, this is really fucking awkward – why the hell did they have to say anything?’. I couldn’t bear the thought of that.I couldn’t bear him feeling sorry for me, and maybe feeling guilty about hurting me, and then resenting me for making him feel guilty, and then drifting away from me.And besides the general awfulness, that would destroy any chance of having him as a bandmate.And a friend.Today had reminded me how much I simplylikedhim.I couldn’t mess that up.No, I would always behave in a strictly platonic fashion unless given very, very explicit indications otherwise.
I wanted to ask Tadhg if he was going out with anyone now, but I didn’t trust myself to sound cool and disinterested when I said it.
But then he said, ‘So, what about you?Are you seeing anyone at the moment?’
‘No, not right now,’ I said, as breezily as I could, as if I were temporarily between boyfriends and another one would doubtless come along in a minute.
‘Same here,’ he said, and my heart soared.
Then I glanced at Tadhg’s watch and realised it was after ten o’clock.My heart wanted to stay here with Tadhg until they kicked us out, but my brain knew it was definitely time to quit while I was ahead, before I said anything I’d regret in the morning.
‘I should probably go,’ I said regretfully.
‘Oh, really?’Was I imagining it, or did Tadhg sound genuinely disappointed?Just a little bit?
‘Yeah, I’ve got a nine o’clock tutorial tomorrow,’ I said.‘It should be a crime to arrange nine o’clock classes on a Friday.’
‘Where’s your bus stop?’said Tadhg, as we gathered our jackets and bags.
‘Westmoreland Street,’ I said.
‘I’ll walk you down there.’
‘Ah, you don’t have to,’ I said, although I really wanted him to.
