Because I know – I really do know – that I’m better off without him.
But still, but still, but still.I don’t want to see how much better off he is without me.
When Katie and Aisling return, we all bundle into a taxi and head to Katie’s house because, as Sarah declares every five minutes of the journey, ‘There are preparations to be made!’. Like choosing an outfit for my first day with Tadhg.I don’t want to wear polyester vintage frocks in a hot, stuffy studio every day for two weeks, so I’d better set an attainable style standard early on.I want something casual but also cool.With my friends’ help, I eventually decide on a pair of high-waisted wide-legged jeans and a cotton patterned button-up shirt I bought in the Parisian kilo shop where I got the excellent dress I wore to Tadhg’s lunch.
‘You’ll look like a thirties bohemian crossed with an American housewife in a seventies film,’ says Aisling approvingly.
‘My two biggest fashion inspirations,’ I say honestly.
‘Tadhg will be very impressed,’ says Sarah.
‘Maybe my incredible style will distract him from how rusty my guitar playing is now,’ I say.
‘Well,’ says Katie.‘There’s something you can do about that …’
A few minutes later, the three of them are bellowing out ‘Wicked Game’ while I play along on guitar.I’m a little awkward at first, but my hands quickly remember what to do.
I’m good at this.How did I forget how good I am at this?
We move on to ‘Jolene’, and soon a wine-fuelled singing session is in full swing.
‘Play one of your band’s old songs!’cries Aisling, after we open a second bottle.
I shake my head.‘I can’t.Tadhg was the singer.’
‘Oh my God, I can’t believe you’re on, like, first-name terms with Tadhg Hennessy.’Aisling pretends to swoon.‘But come on, you can sing them now, can’t you?’
Katie and Sarah exchange glances.
‘Lol doesn’t sing in public,’ says Katie.
‘We don’t count as the public!’protests Aisling.
‘She didn’t even sing in front of her band!’says Sarah.
‘But how did you write songs?’Aisling looks confused.
‘When I wrote the vocal melodies I’d sing them at home in my room where no one could hear me,’ I say.‘Or I’d hum them in my head.And then I’d play the tunes for Tadhg on a keyboard at band practice so he could learn them.’
‘So who wrote the words?’says Aisling.
‘Both of us,’ I say.‘But mostly him.The words always came later, after we’d come up with the melodies.’
‘Well, who needs Tadhg,’ says Katie, ‘when you’ve got us?Come on Lol, play ‘I Know Him So Well’.’
‘All right,’ I say.‘But I’m not singing it.’
I keep playing cover songs, and the others keep singing them, and I realise just how many songs are still inside me, songs I haven’t played for so long.When Jeanne comes home, she joins the session, singing Françoise Hardy songs in her husky, sweet voice.
‘I didn’t know you could sing like that!’I say.‘Maybe you should be going round to Tadhg’s studio instead of me.’
Jeanne shakes her head.
‘Absolutely not!’she says.‘You’re the only one he wants.’
Chapter Eleven
2019
