‘Oh no, don’t worry.We’ve only had two drinks, I know what I’m doing.And we don’t have to actually, you know …’ I pointed at the condom.‘Obviously.’I would have been more than happy if he’d kept doing what he was doing to me moments earlier.‘But of course if you want to stop, we’ll stop …’
‘I don’t want to stop!Fuck, I don’t.But …’
How had this all gone weird so quickly?If he really wanted to do it and I definitely wanted to do it, why weren’t we still kissing?I was suddenly very conscious that my bra was unfastened under my top.I wrapped my arms around myself.
‘Look,’ said Tadhg.He took another step back.Now he was buttoning up his jeans.‘It’s just … I think I know how you feel about me and I don’t want to mess you around.’
It was if a bucket of ice water had been poured over my head.
‘You knowwhat?’I pulled my skirt down over my thighs.
‘I know you have … feelings for me.For a while now.’
I felt sick, physically sick, with horror.
I’d thought I was being so careful.The last year with Tadhg was flashing before my eyes.I thought of those unbearable evenings when he was going out with Jess, when I tried so hard to act as if I didn’t give a shit, when I made myself not flinch when he had his arm around her in the pub.I thought of him seeing through my act the whole time.I thought of him feelingsorryfor me.His sad little friend with the embarrassing crush.After all this, I was just one of the string of lovestruck girls I’d imagined at the start of the year.The realisation was unbearable.It would have been unbearable under any circumstances butnow…
Now we’d had what I’dthoughtwas about to be the most intense sexual encounter of my life but was clearly just a tipsy ill-judged fumble as far as Tadhg was concerned, the grown-up equivalent of that post-gig kiss in 1999.And because he was a fundamentally decent person, he didn’t want me to think it might actually mean something.
So he was stopping before we could go even further, even though it had already gone far enough to leave me feeling utterly humiliated.How could he let things go this far if he knew how much I liked him?How could he have kissed me like that, how could he have – ohGod.I thought of the times over that last year when I’d been convinced that we’d shared a moment, moments that were clearly all in my head.The times I’d thought he might actually kiss me because he fancied me as much as I fancied him.I thought of the noises I was making a few minutes ago when his hand was between my legs, beforehe stopped to get a condom that we were definitely not going to use now.
I wanted to die, I literally wanted to die of shame.
But I couldn’t show him how I felt.That would make me even more pathetic.And so I forced out a laugh and went on the offensive.
‘Wow, Tadhg.I knew you had a bit of an ego but I didn’t think it was that big.’
‘I didn’t mean it like that, I just mean—’
‘Do you honestly think I’ve been tragically pining for you all year?’I snapped.
‘What?No!Of course not!’
‘Fucking hell, you’re unbelievable, do you know that?You get a bit of attention after a few gigs and what, suddenly every girl you know is madly in love with you?’
‘That’s not what I’m saying!’
‘Well, you’re right, this is a very bad idea,’ I said.I jumped down from the table with as much dignity as someone can muster when her bra is still undone.
‘Oh my God, Lol, would you calm down,’ said Tadhg, which enraged me even further.‘I’m just trying to be, I don’t know, a gentleman!’
‘Oh yeah, you’re such a gentleman,’ I said.‘If you don’t want to sleep with me, Tadhg, that’s fine!Just don’t tell me it’s for my own good.Christ, you’re so fucking patronising.’There were tears in my eyes now but they were tears of anger.
‘I’m not being patronising!I think you’re amazing, it’sjust …’ He looked away from me.‘It’s me and Jess.She was at the party last night.And …’
‘And what?’
‘And something happened.’
Oh, wow.I didn’t think this could get any worse but it turned out it could.
‘Good for you,’ I said.Where the fuck was my jacket?And my bag?I spotted them on the couch and grabbed them.‘Maybe she can write some new songs with you.God knows you need help.’
‘Okay, come on, Lol—’
‘That’s why you don’t want to “mess me around”, isn’t it?’I snarled, pulling on my denim jacket and buttoning it up to my chin.‘Because you need me here to make your stupid boring songs sound halfway decent.’
‘Is that really what you think?’Tadhg looked like I’d just slapped him in the face.
