Her voice is soft and lacks any condescending undertone. The question gives me pause. Enough to consider opening the rest of this uncomfortable can of worms with her.
“My home, my friends, my horse. My job, even. I live for those things, don’t I?”
“Valid point,” she agrees.
I hold my breath when she sits up and crosses her legs next to me. She looks at me like she hopes I’ll keep talking and spare no detail. I love it. But I fucking hate how it makes my chest ache.
“Point is,” I continue, “I’ve got one too many loose screws to be fucking around with that stuff. I’d never forgive myself if I failed as a husband or dad, so I removed the possibility by not putting myself in a position to be one.”
“Oh, come on. You’re so hard on yourself. I don’t believe you’d be bad at those things, Tripp. But if you really don’t want to do it, that’s fine, too. Marriage and kids aren’t the winning formula for fulfillment. And maybe it’s for the best because I’d be pissed if I didn’t get along with your wife,” she admits with a laugh.
I’m not getting a damn wife. But if I did—in some sort of parallel universe—I wouldn’t stop being friends with Mesa, even if they didn’t get along. I’d get a damn divorce.
“But still,” she adds, “who cares about having loose screws? Most people’s are.”
“Yeah,” I sigh, knowing she’s right. “I just—never had a good example to go off of. I wouldn’t know how to make a good home.”
“Good is subjective. I think you’d have a home full of laughter, which means the people in it are happy. And you’d be the cool dad who can do push-ups with three little kids sitting on your back.”
I smile. “That’s cute, actually.”
“Oh, and hear me out.” She beams. “Cheering on miniature versions of yourself during little league season and scooping them onto your shoulders after their first home run.”
“Fuck,” I groan with a hand covering my face. “Fine, I’ll pretend. For five minutes. That’d be badass.”
She nods with a sweet and enthusiastic smile. There’s a distance behind her eyes like she’s not actually looking atme,though. She’s somewhere in her head—picturing me with my nonexistent brood of children.
I reach for my phone and then scoot to the side, making her laugh when my head falls into her lap. I hold up the phone so that we’re both on the screen and then begin recording a video.
“Hi, kids,” I start, in the type of voice I think a well-adjusted old man would use, “It’s your mom and dad.”
Mesa squeals with laughter, covering her smile with a hand over her mouth. I grin as well but hold back my own chuckles enough to keep going.
“I just wanted to say congratulations after the draft last night. It’s pretty cool being the proud parents of three Major Leaguers.”
Mesa’s chest presses into the top of my head when she leans forward to get closer to the camera. “I’m so sorry you had to grow up getting bullied for having a hot mom,” she chimes in with an exaggerated frown. “And boys, please keep your rooms clean. Even if you’re on the road a lot.”
“And don’t do drugs . . .”
“Right,” Mesa agrees with a nod.
“Without me,” I add.
She scrunches her nose and slaps my arm and shoulder. I crack up while ducking my head to protect myself.
“Anyway,” I continue once Mesa’s done landing slaps. “Your mother beats me, but I’m into it. Don’t alert the authorities.”
“And call us every Sunday night.”
I watch her on the screen, bright-eyed and perfectly happy to go along with the stupid shit I pull like this. She’s still unable to make her giggles go away completely, and for a moment, I just stare.
God, she’s beautiful.
The loose strands of hair that frame her heart-shaped face. The tan line from wearing tank tops in the garden peeking out from under one side of my shirt’s stretched-out collar that she’s wearing. Me, lying in her lap. Her, totally comfortable with it.
I slightly shake my head after fixating on her goddamn lips for too long.
When she folds her hands on my head and rests her chin on top of them, our eyes meet on the screen as the video continues to record. I could have sworn a wrecking ball comes crashing through the side of the bunkhouse and crushes every bone in my body.
