Once we are on the road, she asks, “Where do you want to go?”
“Can we go to your place?”
“Of course.”
The drive is quiet as I swallow back the sobs trying to escape.
“Lucy, it’s all right to be upset. I know you had a difficult relationship, but he’s still your father.”
I nod, because if I speak, the sobs will break free.
Connie glances over at me. “Do you want to talk?”
I shake my head, causing the unshed tears to fall.
I roll down the window just enough for the frosty December air to numb my face. I want it to numb all of me, to take away the pain of never knowing if it could have been any different with my father. The pain of knowing I never tried.
My mind drifts to my brother Ronan. I need to tell him. I pull out my phone, but this isn’t something I can send a text about.
“Hey, Lucy. We’re here.”
I glance up to see we are parked in the garage underneath Connie’s condo.
“Do you want me to call someone for you?” she asks, pointing to my phone.
“I need to tell Ronan.”
She nods. “Let’s go upstairs. You can call from my bedroom if you want privacy.”
I nod back, then follow her up the elevator and into her condo. I’ve walked this path too many times to count, but tonight it feels different. I touch the walls as we enter. Have they always been gray? Textured? Why are they textured?
“Lucy?”
Her voice startles me. I turn, realizing I was staring at the wall. The ball of grief in my chest tightens. It’s too much.
“Damn him,” I yell.
Connie’s eyes widen, and she steps back.
“All those times my dad tried to control me, I let him. I never confronted him. Then when I said I wasn’t going to medical school, he cut me off. Still, I never confronted him. Why didn’t I confront him?” I sink back against the wall. “Even after I learned what he did to keep Cody and me apart, I never confronted him.” I drop to the floor, my eyes once again welling with tears.
“Why do you think that was?” Connie asks quietly as she sits down next to me.
“The same reason I would go to him for help. Because as long as he thought he could do something for me, I felt loved.”
“Oh, honey.” Connie puts her arms around my shoulders.
“If I called him, he would ask,‘Sweetheart, what do you need?’He wanted to do something for me. I knew deep down that if I confronted him, I’d lose him forever. I didn’t have much of him, but I was scared to lose the little I had.”
Connie rocks us back and forth. “That makes sense.”
I pull away. “No, it doesn’t. Cody abandoned me when I was eighteen. Then my mom and dad abandoned me when I refused to go to med school when I was twenty-two. I should have walked away and said fuck you to all of them. But I didn’t.”
“Lucy, you are one of the most loving people I know. You could never walk away from your family, no matter how misinformed they might be.”
I laugh. “Misinformed?”
Connie’s brow furrows. “Yes, misinformed. I don’t understand why your dad was so intent on you becoming a doctor, but it was clear to me psychology was your calling. Remember when you told me you were changing your major?”
