I put my hands up and backed away slowly, ceding the victory to her for now. “Fine. You don’t wanna talk, that’s cool. Do whatever it is you’re going to do.” I turned and marched out of the kitchen, determined to pack our bags in as little time as possible. I itched to be back with Yejin, but she was safe next door, with Grant, who was being debriefed, and the rest of our security team, who Pujin trusted implicitly.
His trust was the one thing I’d never had cause to question, so I didn’t. I didn’t want Yejin to see our new house with a puddle of blood on the floor where she played. I didn’t want her to ask questions about the police tape.
It took me twenty minutes to pack up her special sleeping stuffie, some clothes, and a few other odds and ends to keep herbusy in a small hotel room. When I came back downstairs, Ari was nowhere to be found.
Of course, that caused panic to rise in me that made absolutely no sense.
Or did it?
I had to be honest with myself. When I saw her wrestling with that asshole for the gun, my heart fell through the floor. I imagined a world without her in it, and time stopped. Everything in me screamed to let a professional help, but I disregarded Pujin’s warnings to stay out of the house. Even after Yejin and Grant were clear of the damn place, I ran back in, knowing Arista was in there somewhere, at the hands of an evil piece of shit who threatened her safety and her life.
I didn’t hesitate to launch myself into the fray when the tussle broke out.
All I could think was how to keep her safe, how to save a woman I’d been trying so long to erase, to move on from, who I’d never managed to hate as much as I deluded myself into thinking I did.
Because at the root of it all, I’d never hated her. I hated that sheleft.
Because if I couldn’t have her, what point was having the family we’d both wanted so badly?
Because I was scared that I couldn’t do this shit without her.
I’d let myself hate her for seven years to mask my own fears of inadequacy. My fear of failure. Any time we’d fallen in our debut days, Ari had been there with a smile and sweets, ready to remind us that we couldn’t get better if we didn’t fail. To shore up our egos and point out all the amazing things weweregood at.
Ari was a rock, and we all leaned on her. Me more than the others. And when that support morphed into something new, did I once bother to stop and see what she needed from me?
No.
I continued to let her support me in my dreams. I let her take the weight off my shoulders. I used her for relief when I should have been worshiping her.
And when she got pregnant, I never once stopped to ask her whether this was something she wanted or not.
She kept the baby becauseIhad always wanted a family. Because ofmydreams. And she gave me that child, even though it put her own life in danger, because she knew how much it meant to me.
I couldn’t imagine giving up Yejin for anything. But she did, for me, because to not have her would have been crushing for me. It would have broken me.
Even leaving was a calculated, selfless act. If she kept the baby, it would have ruined my career, because I would have spent my whole life searching for her. If she kept Yejin, the label might’ve caught up to her and killed them both.
Giving her to me kept her safe. The label wouldn’t have put her in danger if it would ruin their chances with me.
Hiding her in plain sight was the most brilliant move, and I’d been so blinded by anger and betrayal and sadness that I hadn’t seen it until it was too late.
Much too late.
It didn’t take a genius to see how badly I’d screwed up. And because of my selfish desires, because I couldn’t just let her go when fate brought us back together, she was in the crosshairs again.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered to the kitchen as I paced aimlessly back and forth, dialing her number, only to delete it again, then dial it all over again, staring at the screen while my thumb hovered over thecallbutton.
Fuck, where did I even begin?
I’m sorry I was an asshole. I’m sorry I ever believed you would do this to hurt me. I’m sorry I let myself hate you when you didn’t deserve it.
A lot of things to be sorry for. And she was nowhere to be found to express it all.
Pujin wandered back into the kitchen with his own go bag, a frown on his lips as he talked into his earpiece. “Yes, we’re headed there now. I’ll secure the rooms and escort the Kims upstairs myself. Hotel staff has already prepared the underground parking garage for VIP access, and security is in place.” His eyes fell on me, then to the bag in my hand. “Yes, understood. I’ll let them know.”
He tapped his ear and smiled, the disarming grin leaving a bad taste in my mouth as I saw it for what it was: fake.
“She left, didn’t she?” I asked quietly, my eyes searching over his shoulder, down the hallway, a trace of hope and desperation tinting the words I muttered.
