Immediateopening.
Excellent salary.
Signing bonus.
Precious Kitty Publishing?Never heard of it. But then again, I've been stuck in the editing department. No need to know who features pets, much less specifically cats, or in this case, precious kitties. I'm not too proud to work there if it pays my bills while I transition to a better job.
I open my maps app and type the name in. Hmm, it's located three buildings down. I can make the commute work.
I click the job link.
The Job Description:
Immediateopening for a personal assistant to an eccentric self-made billionaire mogul.
Your superlative salary, plus a substantial signing bonus, is subjective after a quantitative probationary period and based on your qualitative ability to thrive under pressure.
(…applied by a lean-mean-aggressive
Boss (dick).
Apply ONLY if you're tough-as-nails with THICK skin!)
I sit backin my chair, taken totally aback by that description. Who the hell would write an ad like that if they were serious about hiring someone?
I read it again. Slower. Okay, so the billionaire boss is eccentric. He probably dictated those clearly masculine words, hoping to draw in a male candidate. Females don't talk or write that way.
His current personal assistant must have been trusted to place the ad. Because the last half of the job description reads like a warning.
…thrive under pressure applied by a lean-mean-aggressive Boss (dick). Apply ONLY if you're tough-as-nails with THICK skin!
I laugh out loud at that, and the couple at the table next to me looks my way. Payback is a bitch.
I'll likely be one of only a handful of candidates to apply. I can suck it up during a probationary period for a substantial signing bonus. I hit the application button.
The screen loads. What? There isn't a form to fill out? Just a blank text box for me to give them my sales pitch? That's curious.
Hmm, I bite my thumbnail, careful not to clamp down too hard and ruin my manicure. How should I respond? Professionally? No. That's boring. I won't stand out.
I can't brag about my sugar and spice and everything nice. That'll give my gender away. If they are looking for a man, it has to speak of snips and snails and puppy dogs' tails. Well, in this case, kitty cat tails.
I type:
My Application:
My name is Sam "Fearless" Mathieson.
I'm not afraid of a billionaire boss who's a dick
or the billionaire boss's dick.
I eat nails for breakfast and
wear Kevlar under my suit.
I’m OCD. Organization is my bitch!
Immediate opening?
