Parker starts to fuss and pulls his attention away from dissecting my mood. Griffin starts to bounce her and sway back and forth.
“What’s wrong, Princess, is it too loud and bright in here for you?” He starts to look around the room, like there will suddenly be a different space or lighting than there had been for the decades he’s lived in this house.
Liam sets down the last dish he is carrying on the table. “C’mon, Dad. I set up a portable crib earlier in case my baby sister needed somewhere to rest.”
He holds out his hands, and my heart jumps into my throat. I haven’t said anything because I know this is yet another thingI’m going to need to learn to deal with, but I don’t want Liam holding my child.
Griffin might be able to read my facial expressions with an uncanny level of skill, but he’s not a mind reader. He pauses a moment, then carefully passes our little girl into the arms of the man who’s never kept me safe.
It feels like everyone holds their breath while Liam looks down at my little girl. I’m not sure what he’s thinking, but there’s a contemplative look on his face.
Is he seeing the soft blonde curls and rosy cheeks that make her look like one of Raphael’s angels? Does he see how much she looks like his dad when her long lashes flutter and reveal chocolate brown eyes? Does he see the dip in her lower lip that is the same as his and his dad’s?
Liam looks up at me, and I see the remorse in his gaze. He’s been giving me a lot of that when we do have to endure each other’s company. I get apologies, remorse, and amends. I want to tell him where he can go and shove his sorrys, but that would make Griffin think that there were still feelings there for me.
He looks away, and the moment breaks. “I know you know the way, but I want to show you what I’ve done with Natalie’s room,” Liam says to his dad.
My voice feels as lost as my thoughts. The heaviness of everything makes me feel like I’m choking, and I have to fight the urge to run from the room. It’s hard to force out sound, but I manage to rasp, “Excuse me a minute,” before I bolt from the room.
The front porch extends the length of the house and is lifted to meet the door. There’s a railing around the perimeter that is very convenient to lean against at this moment. I hang my head and try to focus on my breathing.
I’ve only met with a therapist a few times. It should have been much more, considering everything I’ve lived through sinceI was seventeen, but I went enough to recognize a panic attack. I find myself nearing panic just over the idea I’m panicking.
I close my eyes and shut everything out. I shove the sense of impending doom back, away back into the dark corners of my mind. It never fully leaves, but at least it’s silent for the moment. I’m coming to terms with the notion that I will never fully relax again. Not like I did in the days before my parents’ accident. Not like I did when I thought Liam would be there for me through it all.
A million apologies will never give me back the months I should have been grieving my parents, instead of falling deeper and deeper into the toxic web that was my relationship with Liam.
I’ve almost calmed myself back to a level where I feel like I can rejoin everyone, when the boards of the porch creak behind me. I look over my shoulder and see Claudia coming out to stand with me.
“This is weird, isn’t it?” she asks me.
“That’s an understatement. How are you dealing with all this?” I ask.
She shrugs one delicate shoulder. There’s something fragile about her. Not that I think she’s weak, but she’s definitely not forged in fire like I’ve become.
“It’s definitely going to take some getting used to. The family dynamics are—” she trails off.
“Fucked up. You can say it. The whole situation is a major cluster fuck. We all belong on one of those trashy daytime talk shows. Even around Harriston, we stand out. I know why I’m here, though, it doesn’t feel like there’s another choice for me,” I reply.
“Me either,” she whispers. “They say you don’t get to choose who you love.”
“Don’t I know it?” I mumble in agreement. “So you love him?”
Claudia bites the corner of her lip, then, after some hesitation, she nods her head.
I stare out at the darkening sky. I never really imagined what this moment would feel like. When Liam was caught with Audrey, he begged me to come back to him. I figured he’d eventually move on. Funny, but I never really thought about what that moment would feel like.
I’d love to say that I feel nothing. Not even a slight twinge, but that’s not true. I just don’t know what to name this feeling.
“That’s good,” I manage to say. My voice sounds flat, even to my ears.
It’s happening again. A blanket of apathy is wrapping around me, and for this moment, I let it, because apathy beats pain every time.
“You’re going to have to hang on to that feeling. Probably have to fight like hell to keep it, too. He won’t make it easy on you, but I hope you’ll be good for him. Just make sure he’s also good for you. Liam has a way of taking a lot more than he gives,” I say.
I can see out of the corner of my eye that she’s a little offended. She smoothes it away, though. Definitely too nice for someone like him.
“He hasn’t been like that with me. Being with him is as easy as breathing. I’m sorry that your relationship wasn’t like that,” she says, and it sounds genuine.
