Damn, I hope she doesn’t wanna go, but that’s a selfish thought. Abby is young and beautiful, and she shouldn’t be tied down if she wants to be social. “You don’t have to hang out with us all night.”
She nibbles her bottom lip, like she’s afraid to say whatever’s on her mind. “I’d rather spend the evening with you and Hazelnut than a bunch of drunk frat boys.”
Abby’s been tentative with me all week, even after we spoke on campus. I hate that I’ve created this weird energy between us.
Hazel trots back waving a candy bar in her hand.
“Nice job.” Abby high-fives my daughter, and we head to the next house.
While we’re waiting for Hazel to do her thing, Abby fidgets with her apron. “So, um, did you get a chance to talk to the team psychologist about how you’ve been feeling?”
Instantly, I freeze up. I don’t know why. Normal people talk about their feelings, but I’m starting to realize I’ve been emotionally stunted since Gemma died.
I work my jaw back and forth. “I touched base with Coach, who said he thought a few sessions might be a good idea.” Coach Santos is a good man. He called me last Sunday after he found out what happened at the Nut Festival to make sure Abby and I were okay. “But when I spoke to the team psychologist, he said tapping into deep trauma in the middle of the season might not be the smartest move. He thought I should do some meditation instead and deal with the rest in the offseason. We reviewed a few techniques he wants me to do if I get stressed or triggered.”
She gives me a tight smile. “Great. Whatever helps you.”
I get the distinct feeling she’s disappointed. “I have one last shot to get drafted, Abby. I can’t do anything that might compromise my season.”
“I didn’t say you should.”
My daughter is digging through a huge box of candy, presumably looking for the one she wants. I lower my voice. “Football has to be the priority in my life. If I don’t get drafted, it’s like… like Gemma died for nothing.” I don’t mean to make that admission, but now it’s out there.
Abby swallows, then glances down at the ground. “I can see how losing your girlfriend would make you feel that way. I’m so sorry, Nick.”
Hazel skips back to us. “I have two candy baws now, Daddy!”
Her giddy voice hits me like a bucket of cold water. What am I doing talking about Gemma right now when I’m trying to give our daughter a fun night? “Congrats, honey. Great job.”
I take her hand and try to smile as she skips alongside me. Silent, Abby follows behind us.
Jesus, I’m fucking this up.
When we reach the next house and Hazel runs up to ring the doorbell, I grab Abby and pull her close. “I’m sorry. Forgive me for ruining this evening. I’m doing everything wrong here.” After I check that Hazel is looking away, I lean over and kiss Abby’s forehead. “You’ve gone through so much trouble to make Halloween special for my daughter. Let’s not talk about my baggage and just have fun. You don’t have that much more time before you leave for your trip. Like, what, six weeks? We should make the most of this.”
I get another tight smile. “Sure, Nick.”
Confused, I rub the back of my neck. What did she want me to say? I thought this is what she wanted? To have fun together until she left?
As we wander up and down the street for the next hour, Abby slowly starts to relax again, and by the time we get home, she’s smiling and chatty.
When I open the front door, the scent of apples and cinnamon hits me.
“I left some apple cider simmering on the stove,” she says as she takes off Hazel’s coat. “I saw it on Pinterest, and since it only had a few ingredients, I didn’t think I could mess it up. Who wants some?”
Hazel jumps up and down. “Me! I do!”
I nod. “That sounds great. Thanks.”
My daughter scampers after Abby. I duck into my bedroom to change out of my costume and then crash on the couch in a pair of pajama bottoms and a t-shirt. Hazel crawls into my lap with her bucket of candy.
She starts counting it. “I got so much chocolate.”
“You sure did, munchkin. Gonna share with dear ol’ Dad?”
Her little lips purse. “Hmm. I’ll think about it.”
“You little rascal.” I tickle her and roar like a monster, and she squeals in delight.
