The alarm in his eyes momentarily soothes my ruffled feathers. “No, I don’t want you to move out, Abby. I just don’t know how to talk about my shit. I’ve found that the only way I can play football is if I block out all the trauma, drama, and distractions and focus on two things—my kid and the game. That’s it.”
I nod slowly. “So I’m a distraction, and maybe trauma too after what happened at the carnival.”
He scrubs his face. “I’m not explaining this right.”
“Then spell it out. Say what you mean even if it’ll hurt my feelings. I’d rather know the truth than guess. I’m not good at guessing. Because my mind goes straight to you having other interests, like Tiffany or some other woman who’s been hounding you.” Okay, maybe not Tiffany because he just told her off, but there are girls all over campus who would be only too happy to jump into his bed.
His eyes close. “Shit. I’m sorry. Nothing could be further from the truth.” He reaches for me, and next thing I know, I’m in his arms. “It’s not you, buttercup. I swear. You’re the sweetest thing in my life right now. I’m sorry I’m being a prick.”
He kisses my temple as tears stream down my face. I don’t mean to cry, but I’m so relieved that he’s opening up to me, it feels like a dam of emotion has burst in my chest. “I figured you had moved on and… and… didn’t know how to break it to me.”
“Aww, baby, no. I’m so sorry I gave off that vibe.” His hand moves up and down my back.
We sit there in silence for a long moment. The breeze is brisk, and I shiver.
He stares across the quad. “You know Gemma died in a car crash, right?”
I sit back so I can face him and grab his rough hand. “Yeah, but I don’t know any other details.”
“That night, we had an away game. It was a two-hour drive. She was supposed to follow the team home, but she got tired of waiting. It was raining hard by the time we left.” There’s that thousand-mile stare again, but beneath it, I see the pain. “The police think she swerved to avoid a deer, and she flipped her car over. It landed in a ditch with two or three feet of water.” He swallows. “Where she drowned.”
“Oh, God.” I can’t imagine experiencing that kind of devastation.
“Our bus drove up as the ambulance pulled her out, but it was too late.”
I wrap my arms around him. “I’m so sorry.”
He dips his face into my neck. “This week was the third anniversary of her death.”
“Nick.” I squeeze my eyes shut. That explains so much.
“And when shit happens to you—that tree through your window or you going on that carnival ride—all of a sudden, I’m back on that country road in the rain.”
Here I am thinking we’re so good together when I’m really a huge trigger. “What can I do to make things better?” It pains me to say this, but now that I understand where he’s coming from, it would be selfish to pursue this with him if he’s not ready. “As much as I love living with you and taking care of Hazel, if you would rather find someone else to—”
“No.” Gently, he cups my face. “I just need some time to recalibrate, I swear. I’ve been thinking it’s long past time to talk to a therapist about this. We have a team psychologist on staff, and I have an appointment with him later this week. I wanna get through this without driving you away or fucking up my season.”
I nod and try to smile. “That sounds like a plan.”
A plan that could take months or even years to help him untangle that trauma.
I only have weeks before my trip, and given what he just shared about Gemma, I’m not sure I’ll get an invitation to stay with him when I return from England.
31
NICK
“Close you-a eyes, Daddy.” Hazel giggles from the kitchen.
“They’re closed.”
Her feet pad across the hardwood floor, stopping in front of me as I sit on the couch, dressed like a shepherd. The itchy wool costume makes me wanna scratch myself against a tree trunk, but I’m happy to endure it for a few hours.
It’s Friday night, and while I’d love nothing more than to chill on my couch before I get to bed early so I can be ready for tomorrow’s game, I want my daughter to enjoy some trick-or-treating first. She’s sacrificed so much so I can play football. She deserves to do something fun.
Abby suggested that we walk around the neighborhood this evening and said she’d take care of the costumes.
Things have been awkward between us all week, but I’m hoping tonight will help us get back to our laid-back vibe.
