“Sorry, babe. That sucks. Bet this will make your day better—guess who smiled today?”
“No, she didn’t.”Please tell me I didn’t miss Marley’s first smile.
“She totally did. Watch this.” He waves me closer, and I stand behind his shoulder so we’re both looking down at Marley. “Who’s my pretty girl?” She looks up at him, coos, and gives him a toothless smile.
She smiled at Billy. I’m not surprised. He’s so good with her.
He tickles her, and her grin widens. “Who’s the smartest seven-week-old baby I know? That’s you, Starley Marley. Yes, it is.”
Billy says her eyes twinkle like she has stars in them.
He kisses her on the forehead and hands her to me. “Sorry, biscuit, I gotta jet. If I’m late to practice again, your dad said I’m cleaning out the urinals for a month.” He laughs like he’s amused.
That’s new. My dad still gives him shit, but I think it’s out of affection because Billy genuinely thinks it’s funny now.
I watch him grab his gym bag. He’s so handsome, it hurts to look at him. Especially now. I was a fool to think we’d have more time together after I had Marley. We’re so rarely home at the same time. Billy either has practice or conditioning or classes or a study group. When I’m not at school or taking care of Marley, I have to record broadcast segments or do homework. And we’re both constantly doing laundry. It’s never-ending.
The only time I ever see Billy these days is if I roll over in bed. But now he’s never naked. He wears track pants.
And he doesn’t reach for me.
I get it—I still haven’t gotten the go-ahead from my doctor to have sex. And I’m still wearing a few extra pounds. Except I thought our relationship was based on more than sex. I mean, he’ll snuggle me if I ask him to, but before I had Marley, I never had to ask. He would just grab me and tuck me to his chest.
Something has changed. I can’t quite put my finger on it. All I know is things are different now.
Granted, I’m exhausted because Marley does not sleep well yet. Billy tries to wake up, but after training all day, he basically falls into a coma. He offered to set an alarm clock so he could get up to do a late-night feed, except it’s hard to tell when Marley will be hungry. He already gives her a bottle when he gets up at five or six in the morning. Asking him to do another feed feels like I’m taking advantage of him.
Plus, Marley is my responsibility. Billy already watches her sometimes when my mom can’t stay, like this afternoon when he came home to babysit during his lunch break. He changes her diapers. Feeds her. Bathes her. Basically anything she needs. All that on top of his grueling football schedule. So no, I won’t make him set an alarm in the middle of the night to feed my baby.
“You okay?” he asks.
I was so in my head, I didn’t realize he was standing right in front of me. “Um, yeah. Just tired.” This is too much to lay on him right before he leaves for practice.
I’m learning that communication is important, but how the hell do you discuss something like this? I barely understand how to describe the problem. I just know that there’s distance. Distance I’m not sure how to bridge.
My throat tightens when I think about how he’s going home this weekend. When he mentioned it yesterday, I nearly had a panic attack. I had to remind myself that he’s not Ezra. That Billy’s really going home to help his granny and see his mom. I can trust him.
“Maybe y’all can grab a nap together.” He leans over and kisses my cheek, then the baby’s. “Be good, Marley-cakes.”
When the front door closes, my chin wobbles and my eyes sting.
I love Billy, and he loves me. We can work through this.
But there’s a little voice in my head that questions whether love is enough.
48
BILLY
The Aberdeen Country Clubin Austin is as pretentious as it gets. I’m sure we’re here because my father wants to hobnob with his friends and not because he wants to treat Mom. If it were up to her, she would’ve picked the Olive Garden, but that’s not highbrow enough for dear old Dad.
I pull at my collar.
The other thing that sucks, besides the snooty waitstaff and snootier clientele, is the fact that I have to wear a suit.
Maybe it’s a good thing I didn’t bring Roxy. This wouldn’t have been a fun night for her, and I can’t imagine bringing Marley here.
My mom looks uncomfortable, so I put my arm around her shoulders as we wait in the lobby. “Getting excited for some overpriced food that leaves you hungry afterward?”
