Maybe I should kick this off. We’ll start easy. “How have you been?”
“Uh.” Silence. “It’s been a rough semester.”
“What’s going on? Just taking some hard classes?”
“I wish.”
More silence.
“Is this about me and Rider? I feel terrible about you seeing all that. I’m sorry—”
“This isnotabout Rider, but”—he shivers—“do me a favor and never mention that morning again. Am I excited you guys are seeing each other? No, but I’m not that big of a douchebag that I’d try to tell you who you can date.”
All righty, then.
I swear I never do anything that makes my brother happy, but if this isn’t about Rider, then what’s his deal?
A solid two minutes go by during which he says nothing. I glance at my phone, frustrated that I have to get back to work soon.
I sigh. “Ben, I can’t help if I don’t know what’s going on,” I say gently.
“That’s just it. I don’t want your help.”
Ouch.
My eyes sting, and I stare down at my feet and blink.
He groans. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be a dick. I… Uh…Fuck. This is hard for me.”
“We used to be really close, Benny. It hurts that you can’t stand to be near me. We lost Daddy, and then Mommy, but I thought I’d always have you.” Hating the quiver in my voice, I wipe under my eyes.
When I finally look back at him, his head has dropped forward. “It’s not you, Gabriela. You’re amazing, and everyone knows it. My whole house, in fact. I’m the one who’s fucked up.”
“Don’t say that. Aren’t you here on a football scholarship? People hold up signs at games with your name on it, not mine.”
He closes his eyes with a grimace. When he opens them, he looks haunted. “I want you to listen to me right now.” I nod, eager to hear whatever he’s willing to share with me. “Youare not the problem. You haveneverbeen the problem.” Clenching his teeth, he shakes his head. “I can’t be around you. I get…”
His voice trails off, and I lean forward. “What, Ben? What is it?”
“I get nightmares.” Those pained eyes look up, begging me to understand. “I get panic attacks and have nightmares when I’m around you. I have dreams that you die, and it freaks me the fuck out.”
I freeze, stunned.
He swallows, a sheen of sweat on his forehead. “It started in middle school. That one time I saw you over the holidays. I went home that night and dreamed you had a car accident like Mom, and I woke up screaming. The next day, I flipped out at school. The more I’m around you, the worse it gets. Obviously, I don’t lose my shit like that anymore, but the panic attacks can suck.”
I bite my lower lip so it doesn’t quiver, but the last thing I want to do is have some kind of meltdown right now. I had one foster mother who was really nice, and she took me to visit my brother because I told her that was the only thing I wanted for Christmas.
As heartbreaking as it is to hear this, everything makes sense now. How Ben never wants to hang out. His gruff demeanor with me. The way he sometimes looks past me when we’re talking.
I take a deep breath and do my best to get my act together. “Thank you for sharing this with me,” I whisper. “I never want to be the reason that you’re upset or hurting. You know that, right? I love you and want the best for you, and if that means I can’t be around you…” My eyes sting again. Damn it. “I want you to know I understand, and it’s okay. You shouldn’t have to force yourself to do anything you don’t want to or can’t handle.”
“That sounds terrible. That I have to force myself to be around you.” He blows out a breath. “For the record, I like seeing you, but I can’t handle everything else that comes after.”
It helps a little to hear that. “You’re staying in town for Thanksgiving, right?”
“Yeah. It’s too distracting to go home before a big game. Not enough time.”
I twist my napkin. “I’m not sure if you know this, but the guys invited me over for Thanksgiving, but if it’s going to be a problem, I don’t have to come.”
