An hour later, when he still isn’t back, I poke my head into Cody’s room and see the two of them passed out.
Disappointment washes over me, but also relief. Maybe that interruption was a blessing in disguise. I don’t want to mess this up, and sex or whatever Ethan and I were about to do on the couch definitely would’ve wreaked havoc on our delicate ecosystem here.
He and his son look so sweet together. Cody is nestled in the crook of Ethan’s big arm. My sappy heart pitter-patters in my chest at the sight, but I know I can’t grow attached.
As I watch them, the reality of what almost happened settles in.
I almost broke my year-long fast with a man who is not available.
My shoulders slump when I think about it like this. I’ve heard him and his brother talking about a court date later this month, but Ethan hasn’t exactly explained what that means.
Don’t guys going through a divorce bitch about it? Complain about their exes? Ethan never brings up Allison. Only that one time during my interview almost two weeks ago and then a few days later when he came to my sister’s house for dinner. Allison hasn’t had the kids yet, so I haven’t seen how they act around each other to judge for myself whether he’s still in love with her.
Turning, I see a photo of him and hiswifeon the dresser. Ethan doesn’t seem the type of guy who would jerk me around if he wanted to reconcile with Allison, but Jamie didn’t seem like the kind of guy who lived a double life either.
See, this is why I instituted the diet. Because I can’t fucking figure out men!
When I’m in my room, I close the door quietly and drop my forehead against it.I don’t want to repeat the same mistakes. I refuse to get my heart detonated by another guy.
I might be jumping the gun, but I know myself, and I could totally fall for someone like Ethan. It scares me. Right now, this is only a crush, but what happens if I sleep with him? We already see each other every day. We have dinner togetherevery day. We watch TV together—alone—almostevery night. How long would it take before I was totally in love with him?
Rubbing my temples, I think back to that photo of him and Allison. If they’ve been separated for over a year and things were really over, why did they wait so long to file for divorce?
The questions won’t stop bombarding me. When I slip between my sheets, all I do is toss and turn. Sleep is elusive, and eventually I head to my en-suite shower, crank up the hot water, and hope the sound of the water doesn’t wake everyone up.
Ishouldtake a cold shower. I should stop feeding the hunger I have for this man when I know we can’t happen, but I can’t seem to get a hold of myself.
Steam billows up, and I close my eyes and give in, blindly reaching for the shower head. I fumble with the settings until it’s the perfect pulsing tempo and then aim it between my legs.
A gasp escapes me, and I lean against the cold tiles. The tension builds quickly, everything in me begging for relief. I haven’t gotten off once since I’ve been here. I didn’t want to spark something in me that I couldn’t contain, but tonight I can’t seem to care about my good intentions. I just need some relief.
With my eyes clenched shut, I let my thoughts wander. Let myself think about what it would be like with Ethan. How he’d kiss me if he’d had the chance tonight. How he’d move against me. In me. That gorgeous mouth sucking and biting my skin. His huge hands gripping my breasts. His thick cock stroking me in all the right places.
With a muffled cry, I come, my orgasm hitting me so hard, my knees almost buckle.
Exhaustion weighs my limbs down like lead. With as much energy as I can muster, I rinse off and reach for a towel. When I’m back in bed, for some reason my thoughts go to my grandmother, who always believed in signs. She used to tell me if I paid attention to what life told me, I’d always know what to do.
I’m afraid to think about what tonight’s interruption was trying to tell me.
It probably means I’m right, and that Ethan and I will never happen.
Or worse, that we shouldn’t happen.
Ethan
The second I wake up in Cody’s room, I know I’ve screwed up. The house is dark and still, the TV is off in the living room, and Tori’s door is closed.
Goddammit.
I want to knock on her door, but to say what? That I’m sorry for Cody interrupting? That I’m pissed but also relieved because I have no idea what I’m doing?
Collapsing on my own bed, I groan. Leave it to me to screw up everything.
I stayed with Cody after he’d fallen asleep so I could make sense of what had happened on the couch, but I hadn’t meant to knock out.
Tori and I have been having fun this week. Hanging out after dinner while we watched baseball. When she smarted off about the game tonight, I simply reacted, tickling her. Wrestling her down to the couch. She was laughing, and God, it sounded so good. She felt amazing in my arms, and her bright smile made me crave more. Before I realized it, I found myself hovering over her.
I didn’t mean for it to turn sexual. Didn’t mean to check her out, but one second we were joking around and the next we weren’t.
