“What happened to her?” I ask, prodding him along, because I know he won’t be able to get through this without some encouragement.
“She was on the outside of the Famiglia, but still a part of it. They used the bakery for certain kinds of deliveries. I didn’t realize it at the time, but they were using it as a front for cocaine storage. Aunt Donna probably hated it, but she was a good woman and loved her family, so what could she do? I saw them unload a few times when I was over helping wash up after closing, and she’d always just cluck her tongue and shake her head and feed the soldiers her leftovers like it was nothing.”
“She sounds incredible.” I smile as I lead him to the bed. We sit there, side by side. “That must’ve been hard for her, but she did what she could.”
“Everyone loved her. I swear, part of me thinks they kept on using her bakery because the guys adored her so much. But it all changed when I was in sixth grade.” He sucks in a breath and tilts his chin up. “This is why I’m so protective of you, Fio. I hate that I’m burdening you with my pain, but I can’t keep running from it. I have to stop acting like it didn’t happen.”
“You can tell me.” I put my hand on his leg. “I promise, I’ll be here no matter what happens.”
He doesn’t look at me as he talks. “They jumped me on my way home one day. I was riding my bike. I don’t even know where I was coming from anymore, but the guys came out of nowhere. Knocked my ass to the pavement and dragged me into an alley. They must’ve been following me. I think about that a lot. What if I had ridden faster? Or been quick enough to get away?”
“You were twelve.” I try to picture poor young Luca coming up in this family. “Our life isn’t good for kids.”
“It’s barely good for adults.” He shakes his head and looks at me. “They beat the piss out of me. I’d gotten in fights before, but nothing like that. Three older guys, probably early twenties, hit me until I was bloody. I lost two teeth, broke my wrist, broke two fingers, four ribs, had my jaw wired shut, and got a concussion. They beat me unconscious, but before everything went black, they had one question for me. They asked it over and over, and eventually I answered because I was desperate for the pain to stop.”
I bite my lip to stay calm. I hate those guys, whoever they were. The thought of poor little Luca getting hurt like that. “What question was it?”
“They wanted to know where the shipments were going. They said it over and over. I can still hear them.” He blows out a long breath and hangs his head. He lapses into silence.
And I realize it then. Horror sinks over me as I realize what he’s been carrying all these years, ever since he was a twelve-year-old boy. “You told them about your aunt’s place.”
He nods, staring at the floor, his gaze distant now. “They robbed her that night. There weren’t even any drugs in the back right then, and no shipment was coming for another few days. I wasn’tthere, so I don’t know how it went down. A couple days later, when I woke up in the hospital, I heard Aunt Donna had been killed in a botched break-in. The sweetest, kindest woman I’d ever known was dead, and she was dead because of me. It fucked me up for a long time. I told my father what had happened when I could finally speak, and you should’ve seen his face. The pure disappointment in his eyes. Like I was the one who killed her.”
“It wasn’t your fault.” I pull him against me and cradle his face. “Look at me, Luca. You know it wasn’t your fault.”
“It took me a long time to really start believing that, but I finally do, and it still doesn’t matter. Aunt Donna died because I wasn’t strong enough. Now my biggest goal in life is to never let anyone down that way again. That’s why I’ll protect you until I die, Fiorella. Because you’re important.”
I kiss him and stroke his hair. “That’s a really good way to honor your aunt’s memory, but youarestrong, Luca. You were twelve years old back then. Of course you told them what you knew. Anyone would have. It isn’t your fault.”
“I still carry it. I’ll always carry it. There’s no getting over what happened for me, but I’ve learned to live with my sins. I’ll atone for them one day.”
I fight back tears. I hate that he’s got this scar in him. But what else are we, if not a collection of all the fuck-ups and embarrassments we’ve suffered over the years? It made him who he is today, and I care about this man more than I ever thought I would.
“I can help,” I say, pulling his face to mine. I kiss him again. “I can hold some of it.”
“Fio—”
“Let me help.” I kiss him again, harder. “Let me be here for you. I know it’s hard. It’ll hurt; that’s fucking life. But we can do this together. We really can.”
He pulls me into his arms and kisses me so deep I feel like my head might fall off. I can’t breathe, can’t think, and I let myself slowly sink into his taste.
Slowly, he breaks away, forehead against mine.
His fingers grip my sides. “You want to know something terrible?”
“Please, absolutely.”
“I’d never do this shit for anyone but you.” He kisses me gently and slowly, tasting and probing. “Only for you, Fiorella.”
That’s the messed-up thing. I believe him. I don’t think Luca’s some great hero, but when it comes to me, he’ll do absolutely anything.
And knowing that I have a partner who will burn down the whole world if I ask him to makes my chest swell like it’s going to crack in half.
Chapter 33
Luca
The depot’s bustling on a busy Tuesday morning. I pause in the middle of the action, and a strange feeling comes over me. In all the years I’ve been working for the Famiglia, running errands, driving cars, doing odd jobs, committing acts of violence and crime, I’ve never once wished I were anywhere else, especially not since being made a full Capo and given my own crew to run.
