“You what, Cillian?”
“That I am not ok!” His eyes are wild, desperate.
“Of course you—” I stop my forward motion at his gesture to remain back.
“No. Not this. Not just this.” He leans his back into the corner, letting his head thud painfully against a shelf of books. “What happened today could have been me.” I open my mouth to protest, but he cuts me off. “It almost was me. And...” He swallows hard. “There are still days...That it's hard. It's so hard.” His face contorts as he fights back tears.
His eyes lock on the curtains. “Days that I'm not...I'm not here. I'm not me.” When he looks back at me, I feel like someone is ripping my sternum open. “It's too much. I-I'm too?—”
“You are not too much,” I say with all the conviction I can muster.
“You don't get it. I am fucked up, Toni. The shit in myhead...this isn't just 'oh, I don't put the laundry up,' kinda fucked.” It's a statement meant to push me back, but it's weak at best. He gestures to his chest. “It's ‘I may not be safe to be around’ kinda fucked. I could?—”
“I'm going to stop you right there, because I need you to hear me.” I pause for protest, but he doesn't issue any. “I promise you, I will listen to you. I'll always listen and take you seriously. But Cillian,” I meet his eyes, squaring my shoulders, “I will not let you be a threat to me.”
He opens his mouth to protest, but I don’t let him.
“I’m not done. I knew how to scent violent men before I could spell my own name.” Concern flickers on his brows. “I need you to trust that I know when to run. It's hard-wired in me. And if I ever for one second thought you were a threat to me, I wouldn't be here.”
I take a half step toward him and then another, slowly closing the distance between us. “And I'll gladly hold space to talk about safety, and what will make you feel comfortable. But Cillian, right now, I think you're just using that to avoid what happened today. Because it was awful and it shook you and you're scared.” His eyes squeeze shut. I cup his cheek cautiously, expecting him to pull away, but he doesn't.
“And that makes sense. And I know you wanted to keep me from it. But I was there, and I'm here now, and you're not alone with this.”
A tremor rocks through him. He holds my hand against his. “And I'm not going anywhere right now. So stop trying to push me away. I'm incredibly stubborn, so you will not win.”
He huffs, almost a laugh, but on its heels comes a small sob.
It’s as if that one sound sucked his strength away because he sinks to the floor, back pressed into the corner.
I kneel before him, unsure how to offer comfort to a hurt so vast. With a hand on hisknee, I say, “I'm here.”
A brutal sob racks through him, and my hesitation flees. He pulls me into him, and I settle into his lap. I do my best to gather as much of him into me as I can, my legs around his hips, holding him tight as he weeps against my chest.
“I've got you.” I realize how many times he’s said those words to me in the short time we’ve known one another, how many times he’s been willing to carry me literally and figuratively.
Rubbing his back and stroking his hair, I repeat it like a mantra, like a prayer. Begging him to trust me enough to let me carry some of his burden for a little while.
CHAPTER 26
Cillian
Beyond the curtains,the light has faded, leaving the room dim and quiet.
I know we should get up, should let the blood flow back to our legs, should...Shit, there were plenty of things I should do right now, people to call, arrangements to help with. But all I want to do is hold onto Toni.
The weight of her in my lap, the warmth of her body, her gentle reassurances—the whole of her—is keeping me here. And, as much as I don’t want to admit it to myself, there is a part of me that does not want to be here. Or anywhere. It’s the part of me that is so goddamn tired of pain and loss. The part that is screaming to feel nothing.
So I tighten my grip. Rest my forehead against her chest. Squeeze my eyes tight.
“Breathe,” she coos in my ear.
I suck in a ragged breath. And another. Her scent mixes with the much-needed oxygen.
“Sorry,” I rasp.
Toni coaxes me to look at her. “Don’t you dare.”
“I did say there wouldn’t be hysterics.” I try to make myvoice sound lighter than I feel, a poor attempt to hide the twinge of shame curling in my gut.
