“Right, Em.” I hadn’t expected any real words of encouragement from Emily for me to socialize or even try to make friends here.
“Amy, when are you coming home?” Emily nagged.
“When camp is over.”
“You’re not seriously spending the rest of the summer there, are you?”
“No. Not the rest of it. I’ll be back the second week of August.” I couldn’t believe she thought I’d abandon my kids just as the summer was starting.
“And then what? You know you still haven’t registered for fall semester.”
She was right. I hadn’t registered for classes. And it’s not that I didn’t know what I wanted to take. I knew exactly what I’d be interested in, and U of Denver offered it all. I just wasn’t ready to commit to going back. Not when there was so much more the world had to offer—if I could just pinpoint which part of it.
“Yeah. I know.” I hesitated, wondering if she would understand. Then again, maybe talking to my best friend would help me understand why I just didn’t have the motivation to go back. I took a deep breath and decided to go for it. “It’s just that I don’t think there’s really much there for me, Em.”
“Where? Here? What are you saying?”
“I’m not sure I’m saying anything. I’m just…” I struggled to try to explain how I was feeling, and I knew from experience when you wanted to explain something to Emily, you needed to make it about her. Even if it was hypothetical. “Like me, you were born and raised in Denver. You’ve had all the same friends, grew up knowing the same shop owners and neighborhood people. And when you graduated high school, you chose to go to a school that’s safe and around everything you know. I’m just not sure if that’s the same…comfortability I want.” I was starting to wonder if this was the best approach. I could almost feel Em frowning on the other end. She was silent, and it was extremely uncommon for her. “Em?”
“Where is all this coming from, Ame?”
“I guess it’s what drove me out of town when the summer started. I wanted to try something new. Somewhere far, where turning back wouldn’t be as easy.”
“Let me ask you something. Why would you have turned back?”
I didn’t answer.
“I’ll tell you why,” Emily offered. “Because you’re afraid that if things were getting too hot to handle, you’d turn back.”
That should have hurt, but she was wrong. In fact, it was the opposite. “Actually, I’m pretty sure I can handle anything that comes my way, Em. What I’m worried about is nothing happening.” I wasn’t sure if I was making any sense to her.
“Okay. Well, let me know how that works out for you. I’m going to go live my comfortable, safe life right here where everyone knows me.”
“Em, that’s not what I meant.”
“You’re no better than me, Amy,” Emily snapped. “You’re kidding yourself. Spend the rest of the summer there if you want, prove whatever it is you’re trying to prove to yourself. But just remember, it’s harder to fix things when you’ve been ignoring them for so long.” She hung up before I could respond.
Suddenly, I wasn’t so sleepy. I felt sick, and my head was spinning. Em was right; I was kidding myself. What did I think was going to happen? That I’d leave town for a bit and suddenly find my life’s true calling while busying myself as an art teacher?
Art. My dad had told me it was a poor man’s profession when I’d spent the last two years of high school thinking about it. I tried to shake the negativity out of my head, but it had only made me woozy.
Instead of running to the bathroom, I slipped on my shoes and ran out of the room. I ran as quickly as I could down the steps and then out onto the boardwalk. By the time I hit the sand, the warm humidity started to catch up to me. My body was sticky and my throat nearly suffocating. But at that moment, I felt weak. I slowed down and huddled over, catching my breath.
Why was I running? It wasn’t like I could get away from my thoughts or from Em’s voice. What was I trying to prove or do by coming here? And why had I been avoiding asking myself these questions since I got in my car with map in hand? I straightened and continued running out onto the sand.
I looked for a rock to sit on but in my jittery state I couldn’t possibly have sat down. I needed to go for a run, or swim or—I froze when I saw the mountain wall that spread across the beach and deep into the ocean water. I remembered the college-age kids I’d seen jumping that one morning. How daring and incredibly fearless they seemed. I continued my jog, but this time toward the mountain.
I reached the climb, slipped out of my shoes, and started pulling toward the top. Once I got there, it was just an even surface with a few low trees and loose branches.
I slowly approached the edge and kneeled to peek down. I swallowed hard and pulled back. I hadn’t seen them from the beach, but the bottom had rocks that stood out from the edge. I watched the water crash into the rocks angrily, and my heart leaped. I turned back and closed my eyes, remembering the excitement I’d felt from afar for those kids.
If they could do it, why couldn’t I? Why couldn’t I embrace my freedom as they had? I thought about Em and Jade, I thought about my father and Marci, an image of them having breakfast on the small, round kitchen table that had been there for as long as I could remember. I thought about school back home and how uneventful it would be going back. I opened my eyes and walked back toward a small tree. I held on to the branch as hard as I could.
I took a deep breath, opened my eyes, turned back to face the edge, and ran. I leaped from what I hoped was far enough out to avoid hitting the rocks. As I felt myself falling, I’d immediately regretted the jump. What had I been thinking? I waited until my body plunged right into those rocks, and then swore I heard my name.
“Amy.” A male voice echoed from the top of the cliff.
My body crashed into the cold, hard water. I pulled myself vigorously up from under the surface. I looked up at the edge of the cliff to see a figure dive headfirst into the water, his fall a lot faster than mine had seemed. He plunged a few feet from me. It wasn’t until he came up from the water and pulled his head back did I realize it was Rick. He caught sight of me and grabbed one of my arms.
